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Tuesday, April 3, 2012


No one is left.
I guess that makes this the perfect sanctuary, right? Life has been hell, college this semester has kept me swamped, and my days have been filled with chores to the point I have no free time... My phone is fried and the replacement isn't in the best condition either, I cant even really use it, so I'd rather not use it at all... I'm growing cold to the world, its as if my life has slowed to the point that I can feel my death creeping up on me, and its surfacing hundreds of false regrets, that I haven't even experienced yet. But are inspiring me to live a life that isnt meant for me. These thoughts and feelings consume me, and I'm rarely this conscious of their true nature, but they still consume me.

I don't know. For awhile, I genuinely thought I could be like everyone else for once. I thought I could be happy and positive, and that that would be my answer for everything. Life will continue and days will pass and I will be taken where I'm meant to go... Just like everyone else... Thats not true to me at all..

I don't want to keep acting and lying the rest of my life.

I think I was close, but never really close at all. I don't think I'll ever find that bliss again, if my emotions continue to haunt me in this way... .

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Sunday, March 28, 2010


Where to start?
Life is going good, I have never been so emotionally happy before... I think I have found my 'One'. I love her with all my heart, and I didnt think it was possible, but its true. I would give my life for her and I want us to last forever, despite what anyone else might think.

However, everything else is going bad... My computer is no longer in my room due to a C+ on my progress report, my cell phone was taken for 4 months and is in constant threat of being taken again, I have taken 5 more hours worth of daily chores, and my hair has been butchered 3 times in the past 6 months... thats 3 times as many haircuts I get in 2 years most of the time...
Due to all this 'Rehabilitation' my dad has done to me to try to get me to better in school, has made it worse... I got all C's and a D last semester and so far I have 4 F's a D and an A, half way into this quarter, because of it... My dad now thinks I'm doing drugs on the side in secret, EXCEPT I'm on the computer ALL day, or doing his stupid chores......
I am entirely substance free....

Anyways... I was also signed up for karate last year again... I quit before because they were cheating us out of money, not advancing me... I've been back a year, prices are up again, and I advanced once and they're back to the same crap! But! Get this - my friend had quit too, and we started back at the same time, except she goes FOR FREE! Not only that, but she is also a rank higher than me, and is still learning more, while I learn NOTHING when I go in to my private lessons... If only that was it though, she once came in during my private lesson, and helped me train on her alittle, and then 5 minutes in, she asked ONE question and she ended up taking the last 25minutes learning new stuff and practicing, in MY private lesson... She isn't even there as often as me too... She has spent 3 months doing stuff for choir that she hasnt been able to attend...

So... 2 weeks ago, I was at karate with her, I was showing tons of effort, since I guess what I was putting out wasn't enough? And I tried so hard, I ended up popping my knee out, falling as it popped back in... That motion chipped the bone in my knee so I have to have it surgically removed, and the bone over this whole time has torn some of my cartiledge since my dad has made me walk on it since then, even though I can't fully straighten or bend it...
I got the MRI today, no results yet, but it was the worst expirience of my life... I was in so much pain because I didnt have the support to keep my leg still, I was trembling the whole time and it made him have to redo it acouple of times... I was there, laying, with my leg almost straight, and pushed to the top, of the MRI machine just to try to keep it still, which over the 40minutes that it took, HURT LIKE HELL!

Not sure if they will be able to read it, but I do not want to do it again...

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Sunday, October 11, 2009


My year in...... however long it takes you to read this monster of a really bad story.
Nothing seems to be going right this year... Im doing better in school this year, yes. But socially everything has gone to hell... Usually Im more careful about letting my gaurd down to knew people, but in my attempts to be less introverted and make life a bit more interesting, I made some new friends... Everything was fine from the start but then a whole new can of drama opened up on me and things turned to hell... After questionably being used by my gf for gifts after several half a year being together, mostly through the holiday time of year, she breaks up with me in march after a month of avoiding all contact. We break up mutually at that point and we continue to be friends but after that I never got to hang out 1 with her in the following 8 months, still questionably avoiding me, she had some good excuses and i'd love to believe her but I will always have that doubt.
Meanwhile
My new 'friends' had developed major crushes on me and had been secretly argued about it between each other individually and one day one of them accedentally started it up again right in front of me... I didnt have feelings for any of them, since my mind was still focused on madison(the ex) and all but one gave up.. I was kind of surprised...
She tried to keep it a secret but it was obvious that she still liked me and then started talking about it with the same people she fought with about it, who then supported her and finally got her to ask me out over summer. I felt bad about everything that had gone on earlier for her and looked back on my experience with madison and thought i would give it a shot. It was the best decision of my life.. Everything went great over the summer and I kinda started getting feelings for her but madison started actually talking to me again towards the end of summer, and my attention immediately went back to her.
School starts back up, i break up with jessica, the new ex and a few weeks later i finally get to hang out with madison. We had fun, we went to see 9 and she decides she wants to go out with me again.
I tell one of my new 'best friend's and we talk about it for awhile. I come to school 2 days later (because it was a saturday) and jessica is completely avoiding me and her friends, the people i had known and been friends with longer were mad at me too. I asked around and a rumor started by that 'friend' had sprung about how i was emotionally cheating on her the whole time and had completely played her, although it was nothing like that. So i eventually had that cleared up, but jessica was still mad because i didnt tell her about hanging out with madison before my other 'friend' had. And then thinks i dont trust her, and gets upset again.

All this while ive neglected my real and closer friends.

And now my trust between all of my friends has been severed by either or both sides to the point where we might as well just consider ourselves aquaintences.

And now Im going out with madison again but I am beginning to see the patterns start up again. It hurts alot to still remember everything from before and see it happening again, while besides what had happened in nov 2001 (1 close family member died on each side of the parentals' family and 1 in my family((brother)) consequetively in a week), this might be the worst week of my life... and I believe I might have made the worst mistake of my life getting back with her at Jessica's expense, when Jess has truly been there all along...

I use to think,and had accepted that my meaning in life was to help and guide others, being someone anyone could come and talk to.

I now feel as though my meaning has been stolen from me and my freedoms are being taken from me.
My close FRIENDS no longer go to my school so i cant hang out with them or talk to them. Jessica has my other friends wrapped around her finger so they trust her more than me now. And ultimately, I feel neglected and looked down on by everyone.
Even my family has been neglecting me a bit, normally I would LOVE this. But now its my health being neglected. I need to see a doctor over many recent occasions and as I have reminded them over and over, it was never set up. I have cists behind my ears that wont go away and shouldnt even form there... And thursday night, I was at karate, being forced to kick people during sparring and the EVERYONE blocked with their elbows... I want to get it over with fast so i have to show effort so i can get a new belt... Imagine 10 bony elbows coming down between the bones and muscles of your foot as you the 2 forces combine, atleast 5 times each round! My dad doesnt even care either, they wont have it xrayed, im pretty sure its fractured, but im forced to go around walking on it for hours each day doing chores...
However they worry about me getting into college but they constantly murder any self esteem i manage to build up by the end of everymonth by somehow relating it to the fact Im just a relaxed person and how im too laid back that i can never be successful because i will never care about a due date.. And never find a job because im too incompetant (i am but i try my best not to be and 99% of the time they use it as an example, it hasnt actually applied to the example and is only an excuse to prove a point that they wont let me defend without taking away something ive earned)

Anyways, thats what has gone on over all this time... No one knows the whole truth about whats been going on lately but whoever has read this now... Life just really sucks right now... I would have posted this in bits and peices on facebook over time but I know no one bothers to read it so Im posting it here so i can get it all off my chest where i dont get the false hope that people actually care when they really dont and so if I become suicidal for having nothing in life anymore, theres atleast an archive for the mental mayhem ive gone through this past year... I cant wait to move out... 15 more months... Maybe i can survive that long... And even if i cant manage the payments for a home or apartment, anything will be better than being here.


I truely appreciate anyone who has read all this and thought it over to comment. Even if its only 1 or 2 sentences (though that would be very depressing), thats 1 or 2 more sentences than any of my real life 'friends' would have read on facebook...

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Saturday, February 7, 2009


ho...hum...
May killer geese invade and kill us all...
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Friday, September 5, 2008


...
I dont know why but sneaking on seems 80x harder than what it use to...
I reallly reallly reallly hate high school this year... My teachers suck =.=
My english 2 teacher gave us a poem yesterday and wanted us to read it ("The Eagle" and its only like 6 lines) and then today he popped out of nowhere with a quiz about it. I already knew what all the words meant so I didnt think Id do bad, especially knowing no one had known about it but when we got the tests there were 7 problems...
:
"Define these words:
crag: (final fantasy lied to me on this one D: (( there are castle rock thingys lieing around that you gotta go to sometimes and i really had no idea what it was other than what id seen in the game so i said a rock/stone thing resembling a castle xD)
wrinkled:
azure: (I would have shot myself if I had gotten this wrong <_<)
and like 3 other words


2 what was the rhyme scheme... i havent done this in forever so i had no clue -.-

3 meter?.... again... havent done it in forver... i guessed and was close but i guess im sylable happy because i put 11 and it was really 7/8 ( he accepted both )

4 i forgot how he worded this one but i got it right so it doesnt matter :P

5 forgot this one too but i got it wrong

6 WHERE IS THE WRITER'S NATIONALITY? this one pissed me off because if he hadnt told us yesterday this would be really messed up and there were some people who were absent yesterday. HOW IS THIS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THE POEM? this question pissed me off because literally no one knew it -.-
I dont see how knowing where the writer lived has anything to do with the actual poem... especially when its about an eagle...

7 word for word (just not in caps) because this one was really messed up: CLEARLY THE WRITER IS IMPRESSED BY THE EAGLE. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE IS IMPRESSED BY?
I almost wanted to stab him... this was a cheap shot because he did sound impressed at all... and.. impressed by a creature he created for his poem?


The Eagle
He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ringed with the azure world, he stands.

The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls.
by Lord Alfred Tennyson

and thats literally all he gave us prior to it...
*sighs* only 36 more weeks of this crap...


Algebra 2 is hard too since last year i took Geometry and pretty much forgot the rest of Algebra 1
I recognize the problems but all the stupid formulas and the order of each step to do it correctly? Ok... yeah right... I had forgoten where i sat in that class when i came in and im expected to remember stuff i did 2 years ago in a subject i already knew at that time while i was focusing on all my others... b(-.-)d

High school is going to be hell...


The only thing im happy for is that my World History teacher isnt that bad and lets me sleep sometimes and my science teacher doesnt give homework and lets us use anything we want for tests and our finals except the text book...
I probably only have 2 unbareable teachers which are english and spanish but spanish isnt that bad cuz I know most of it already... I dont know what PE is like yet...


Sorry im ranting so much ^^; If i dont than i pretty much have nothing to talk about ( unless you all want to know how i passed out on the couch at around 6pm and woke up an hour ago and if so then its because i was tired because i didnt have breakfast or lunch and then suddenly ate alot to make up for it at dinner and then i closed my eyes and went to sleep) and then I would have lied about coming back because i wouldnt post anything so no one would know if im alive or not...

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008


uhg...
Bad news... Kinda... I was right about the no computer during school days thing but its worse than I thought... My parents told me a few hours ago that I cant be on the computer at all during the week and all- blah blah blah- but if they caught me on during it, they would probably take my computer and put a pass word on it then clear a spot in the living room and put it in there. X_x

Thats like the worst fate ever... The only way I can get on during school days is if I get straight A's and that is really hard since I have no motivation or competetive spirt towards school at all- and its out of my control too because even if they offered me 20000 video games and a 200in. flat screen to play em on, I still wouldnt... Just geting a B is hard at this school too... And now theres a site that moniters EVERYTHING YOU DO...What you didnt turn in, what your grades are constantly, if you missed or were late to class (which is more bad news for me because I got a school map today and my classes couldnt be worse- il talk about it in a bit), what you ate for lunch, etc...
Its annoying...

Good news is that theyre pretty heavey sleepers as long as my bro isnt awake because hes always making noice by falling over stuff adn knocking stuff over which means around this time I can sneak for a few to check sites quickly...


~~~~~~
About my classes now...
I went to school today to find them and see some of my friends and find my locker and all and I think the district hates me or something because my classes couldnt be scattered worse...

The school can be described as a square within a square within a square... The quad and cafeteria and locker rooms and gym for PE are in the center square, most class rooms are in the middle square, and for all the sports and stuff is the outer square with a couple class rooms laying around the edges...

Anyways... I go there and find out that my locker is right in front of the school when I walk in- which is nice- except when I get to it, I find that its on the very bottom and Im like 6'2" -_-.... Next, I get the school map and look up all my classes... my first class is on the far left of the school (outer square) then i have PE so I have to go to the center of the school then walk back to the field which is by my 1st class again, then I have snack so I have to walk back to the center of the school to the quad, then when thats over, 3rd period is on the very far right of the school... after that I have to walk back to the center and up to the very very top of the school because the corner between the two classes is blocked off for construction so I cant cut through there... Then I have lunch so I gotta go back to the center then after it, my next class is on the very bottom of the school by the entrance and for my last class I have to walk back to the place of my first class but go up more to it...

Yup... OH... and I gotta push through like 6000 kids to get to each in 5 min... Isnt that fun!?!

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Blah
I feel out of place from not posting for so long... Im surprised to see a couple people here after all this time, too. I want to keep this short because I just got back from a 8hr car and 4 1/2 hr plane trip from alabama and im ready to go play with my animals but my school starts this wednesday and since i know when it starts il be bored out of my mind and need someplace to procrastin- uhm post reminders of what to do <.< >.>, i should let everyone who is still here that I has returned, if they dont already.
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Thursday, May 15, 2008


bored.......
sorry for the huge rant earlier
i knew i would regret it later but it seems like no one actually read most of it so it doesnt really matter.....

anyways just came to say im bored

cya




(from previous post) 1 sorry i havent been around lately...
2 Im grounded til mid july or until my parents forget that im grounded
3 if any of you reading this has a guitar and can read tablature, can you tell me how this sounds? :

1st string (only)
-5-9-8-5-1-8-7-3-0-7-5-2-7---
--5-1-3-5-8-7-3-0-5-9-6-2-2--

Its suppose to be one of the many versions of one of the songs in Paranoia Agent that I wanted to try to play and actually remember...

It sounds good for the most part... The end is a little hard though so if you know what the song is suppose to sound like compared to that, any suggestions on a closer ending would be great ^^;

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Sunday, April 13, 2008


...
Im still here...
I think Adam ditched the whole myO though... he hasnt updated in an even longer time than I AND nothing has really changed...

I dont know what there is to do here anymore except watch the blue bars go on and off for the 3 peope who still post...


I might be changing the background and some stuff eventually but Im not sure



Anyways... I suppose thats it... ttyl...

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Monday, March 24, 2008


Seriously?
In the almost 4 years Ive been here, I swear I've never seen the myo this deserted... Whats happened?
I keep it at that... I dont have to time to get deep into a post today... I doubt anyone will see it anyways til everythings back to normal... IF everything goes back to normal...

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