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Tuesday, May 1, 2007

The End...
(this is what i wrote in 15 minutes...didn't know we had an essay due in english today..i found i actually liked it when i re-read it..here ya go...)

The End.
She coughed as the blood ran down her chin, and sighed. She wiped her arm across her face, smearing a line of red from her knuckles to her wrist. Tears ran down her face and her stomach heaved trying to force out the poison she willingly drank. “You have to be brave….You have to be brave….” She whispered over and over again to herself. She coughed again, more blood spewing from her mouth. She didn’t bother to wipe it away this time. “It will all be over soon…” She thought to herself as she sank down to the clod bathroom tile. The cold felt so good against her flamming skin. Her eyelids began to flutter as she fought to remain conscious. “What have I done? Where will I go? Will they remember me?” She thought, as her breath rattled in her lungs. Her throat was on fire, and she gagged, trying to bring some relief. Sweat poured from her forhead, to mix with the drying tears on her face. She could feel the darkness closing in but, she tried to hold on a little bit longer, hoping that someone will come to hold her as she breathed her final breath. She closed her eyes, not wanting to watch as her own blood pooled around her. Her hearing began to fade as she heard footsteps running near. Her body went limp as she felt it being pulled into someone’s lap. “You came…” She whispered, smiling slightly. As she felt the darkness over take her, the last thing she heard was, “Hold on….hold on…..please….hold on…….”

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Save tonight...and fight the break of dawn...Come tommorrow..tommorrow i'll be gone..
I really like that song. *yawns* It seems the people around me are more scared of death than i am. Heh..it's..mildly amusing. *yawns again* It's raining...why does it always rain when i'm in a bad mood? Hmm..i think i'm gonna have to investigate that a tad bit. *shrugs and yawns* My moms kept me up late talking to me about Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Disco. (those were their exact words, just so you know.) Four more weeks till my next belt test. Not as excited as i should be, i guess. We have the Recital, and then testing is the very next day. Yippee..i am not cold. I just have very chilly defenses.
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Monday, April 30, 2007

Down in flames.......
Every day i lose another piece of myself. I feel it slipping away and i can not stop it. All i can do is mourn it's loss and pull myself back together the best i can. No one but the dead can truly understand what i am going through. I swore myself to this and i am going to go through with it. On my own. Funny how i look at myself and i see how i am beyond anyone's help. There was once a time when i would have screamed untill my voice was gone, for help. But that time has long passed. For six years of my life, i screamed for help but, no one heard me. I screamed and i screamed and i screamed until there was nothing else i could do. No one answered. No one came to my rescue. Six birthday wishes i wasted on wishing i could get out of the Hell i was in. I got out after nearly eleven years, only to land in a new kind of Hell. The kind that slowly drains everything that you are. The kind that makes you lie awake at night and clench the side of your bed because the pain hurts so. The thing broken inside of me can never be fixed. I won't let it. It's what makes me who i am. If i had been anyone else, i would not have made it this far. Yet i can not help wishing that i had a different life. Can not help wishing maybe if i was a little prettier, maybe if i was a little different? But i know these dreams will never become reality. Because deep down, i will always be me. Kristen Rene' Bristow. Krissy. Daughter to a neglective mother, sibling to an oblivious sister, daughter to an abusive father. Yeah, i know. "Don't let the past make you who you are." That's bullshit, pardon my French, but your past makes EXACTLY who you are. It shapes, and molds, and forms you into your very being. The minute i hear someone say something like that, i want to smack them in the face. Lies. That's what they are spewing from their mouths. Lies. They may think that what they say is the truth but, i am willing to bet that the people who say that, are the ones who have lead any easy life. "Leave it to Beaver" family, lots of money, and graduated from Havard with a degree in underwater basket weaving/Psychology. Normal humans amaze me. You know what i mean by normal, by now. No, i wasn't locked in a closet. To my step-dad, i was a slave to be stepped upon and beat. To everyone else, we were a perfect family with one black-sheep child. The child that everything was blamed on. The scape-goat, if you will. And that is what created the monster they regret giving birth to. But they'll never understand. All this monster wanted was for someone to love them. Someone to acknowledge them as a normal human. Someone to see past the shrieks of rage to the screams of pain underneath.
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I found a link to a Romanian dojo of the style of karate i'm learning!!


Interesting, neh?

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Can't trust anyone anymore.
Heh. Should've known i couldn't trust anyone. I became too trusting and weak. The old me would laugh at how stupid i have become. To err is human. To trust is stupid. Now i am slowly returning to who i was. The real me. The me who has been dying to come out. Why did i believe he actually still cared for me? It was guilt, not care. Stupid stupid me. So i do not trust anyone. Not even Tai. Funny how i logged on to fix her site and see why my pm's were coming back saying they couldn't be delivered to that user, and i end up finding out the truth. Wow. Real eye-opening day today.

Oh..and follow this link to see the sword i will begin practicing with for my solo Kata.


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The biggest mistake of his life....
Hey..it's me again..heh..Sunday morning i wasn't feeling too good...yeah..i was sick..ahem..scared a few people.....i think my mom knew what was wrong cause she took me out to lunch at Taco Bell's...that food always does strange things to my stomach...(but i love them burritos...i love them gooood....)And ummm....the sickness got umm....thrown..out of my system, you could say...over the following couple of hours, me and Mr. Trashcan became very close friends...heh...i felt a little better afterwards though...my stomach still hurts though...*sighs*....i woke up thism orning and my eyes have changed colors...they usually only do that when my mood has changed...and i think it has...a while back, i changed into who i am now...i used to be umm....kinda crazy...(ask Tai...)no i think i'm slipping back into that personality for some reason..it's like a defense mechanism for me..now i'm trying to figure out what set it off...i've got the song,"Save tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry stuck in my head...."Save tonight..and fight the break of dawn..come tommorrow...tommorrow i'll be gone..." Oh...and "Out here all night" by Damone..."People take what they need...then they tell you get lost.....calmly leading you on while they're ripping you off...."...*sighs*...time for school now! Yay...
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Friday, April 27, 2007

Fallen Angel....
...Destined to fly..broken and crazy...but too strong to cry...
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Wait's over......i guess....
And damn, does it hurt...i guess i should've expected this...i knew i didn't have i chance....heh...God, was i blind...i should have known i would end up feeling played like this...i got my effin hope up for nothing....lol...ah, well..i'm stronger than this..i'll get over it eventually...i think....now i understand why people cut themselves..because it destracts the mind from the pain on the inside....not that i'm thinking about cutting myself..but i am planning on challenging my sensei to a fight tommorrow morning..he's really the only person i know that can handle my temper and survive...XD...i need this, i think..i've let myself fallout of place in my dojo and i need to reinstate myself.

Oh...it's storming outside now...perfect..at least i have somethng to look forward to when i get home...

"What's REAL?" -Velveteen Rabbit

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Errgy....i ate a chocolate-chip muffin...i know i shouldn't have but....i did...and now i am paying for it...*sniffs*.......IT JUST LOOKED SO GOOD!! And i couldn't resist..now my stomach hurts...*sighs*....Oh, yeah! My sister took sowing class this semester and she made me these really fuzzy pajama pants!! They are SO fuzzy...the moment i touched them, i was in LOVE....yeah....yesterday was pretty normal...just talked to Tai on the phone....hung around...watched CSI...ripped half of my toe-nail off.....chased my sister around the house with a broom....and then went to bed...yeah...normal...^-^...
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Thursday, April 26, 2007

So, i got out of my fourth hour early today..we weren't really doing anything, seeing that we had to take another E.O.I. test today. Here's what happened...my lab partner and some of his guy friends started messin with me..mainly one guy..well...they started acussing me of witch-craft to the point where i couldn't take it anymore...so, i got up, asked my teacher if i could leave, he said yes because he likes me and he's cool like that...the guy who had done the most acussing was still there, standing next to my table, still talking to my lab partner...i dunno what came over me but i walked up to him and racked him...HARD...and then calmly gathered my stuff and walked out the door...now i'm here...seething...teacher didn't see though..if he did, he doesn't care cause he didn't try to stop me on the way out..............last night was ok..went to church...wasn't to happy at first but it changed later on..(thank, Tony...guess we're even now, eh?)
So...i'm currently trying to decide what song i wanna put on my site....i'm thinking either,"Betrayed" by Avenged Sevenfold, "Nice to meet you anyway" by Gavin Degraw, "Here with me" by Dido, or "Days go by" by Dirty Vegas...can't really decide though..i'm might put some Romanian songs on here too..maybe..i like too many of them though..i couldn't decide which ones i want....^-^..

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