Tuesday, February 12, 2008
well its my birthday, the first one in 2 years without a special person but i suppose there's nothing i can do about that, i can't make Bev mine again and i'm sure not ready to be with another person so i'll just have to deal with being single for now, no matter how much i don't want to do that, no matter how much i hate it its either deal with reality or dwell on a past i can't change and dream of the future i no longer can have.
i hung out with my brother again today, i have to say it was a pretty good time, being as we're so much alike and he's a bit older than me its like talking to myself from the future and i really couldn't ask for a better candidate for a friend than future-me. we went out and had chinese, its always cool eating with my brother because he takes me places i'd never normally go. after that we went and saw "Rambo."
i must say that its a pretty good movie if you know what you're going there to see, pure action, guys exploding and getting turned into chunks by a 60 year old man with a very large gun. there is no plot what-so-ever and it really is fine that way. i guess its just a way to heal, just seeing meaningless things that make you happy, that you don't have to find something uber-deep and profound to be happy, you can just be happy over the shallowest things. i suppose really i should be sad because people really are dying in Burma like they do in this movie and it really has been going on for as long as Stalone has been alive so it is a real problem, but right now i just need to see it as action porn so i can leave my troubles and just be happy if only for the time i'm there, away from reality and the problems i face there.
i'm taking tomorrow off school because its the 18th year i've been alive and usually i have bad luck on such days, and seeing what happens on normal days i can only imagine what bad luck looks like. i spent a lot of today crying, because i'm just weak and i cry a lot, especially now. i seem to be now more famous being broken after being broken up with than i ever was when i was happy and in my wonderful relationship. i suppose in everything there is a little bit of goodness, that maybe now people will remember me, even if it is for my pain and weakness.
i'd like to say that if i don't have a joyous birthday its because of the loss of what i valued most in life, but i've always bitched about my birthdays, even when i had a devoted lover so i suppose my complaining now is less justified in that light. i'll probably end up crying again, and i'll probably end up very depressed at times tomorrow, but alas tis nothing i can do about it, so i just have to hold on and know that one day the pain will stop. no matter how much i dislike this outcome its the only one i can have, i can't go back to my last save and try again, even if i could it'd probably be too late anyway, maybe i was just destined to fail, guess i'll never know.
the important thing is that Bev PMed me today, which meant a whole lot to me, that she still cares about me, i still don't know if i should call her, i'm still afraid i'll hurt her again and drive her away, or that in my fragile state she'll hurt me, this uncertainty i'm still not used to, everything used to be so easy but unfortunately life is not easy and in the end, as painful as it is to accept: this is reality, not what i lost. life is most often unhappy and those who have found their happiness are blessed, not normal. me, i'm average again, alone and in pain without any real way to make it go away, no cure-all anymore, but sooner or later i'll have to deal with that, wishing it wasn't so doesn't make it true, and it seems now that praying ever night that your love will last doesn't make it happen, it seems God just steps aside in matters of the heart.
so yes i'll be alone and in pain, probably for a long time, but i'll have to accept thats the way it is or else i'll just stagnate and die. hopefully i'll find the strength to be happy again soon, but if not, oh well it can't be helped anyway.
"you won't change anything."
thats true of missionaries in Burma and of me in heartbreak, my moping and complaining won't change anything, i need to find my Jeep-mounted machinegun if you will.
see you Peoplezez later.