Saturday, February 9, 2008
its really a shitty situation when you're miserable and the path that leads away from that misery is very unpleasant and completely opposed to everything you believe and stand for.
in time this whole situation with Beverly will no longer matter to me, that i'll have memories of the times we shared and nothing else, that she'll just be some face in my past that i will have very little connection to and i'll be fine with that. i know that is reality, and i hate it so much, i hate that so much about our damn species, that we can just let go like that, forget people, discard people, devalue people all in order to preserve ourselves. its a survival instinct, and it works. but i really dislike it.
i guess its just because it doesn't fit into my idealistic romantic world that i had been living in for 2.5 years, its not pretty and poetic and it doesn't make me feel all warm inside to acknowledge that as reality. its hurtful to think thats how things really are, that you have to abandon people and give up on things you up until then would've given your life for in order to keep that life you were so willing to trade for their happiness. if i killed myself now it wouldn't make her happy, i suppose thats a very good thing being as it means that i'll still be here typing this posts out.
man i'm spoiled, its been a month now since Bev called it all off and i'm still not able to let it all go, i still long to hear her voice and for everything to revert to the way it was, but i know now how damn unlikely that is, that in all likelihood i'll go through this a myriad more times before i finally found what i just lost and sought throughout my whole life. i'm destined to raise many more women to the heights of Goddesses and then devalue them to mere memories, and the fact that i know i'm capable of that makes me feel like a horrible person, why did it all go wrong, why does the world have to be this way!?
i still want to call her, but i know its only because i want her to hold me to her bosom and soothe me again, i guess i have given up on her heart, or at least its no longer at the forefront of my mind [a painful realization] i only wish i could tell her about my pain and she could help me like the old days, but i guess those days ended on 19-08 as well huh?
besides, tomorrow i will have not talked to her for at least 21 if not 28 days, i live 2000 miles away and we seem to have almost no similar interests and whether either of us want it or not the slightest slip of the tongue on her part could gut me like a fish and leave me sobbing on the floor again. i'm so afraid to call her [i'm crying now, i don't know if thats relevant or not, just thought i'd let you guys know] because i don't know what she'll say, and i don't know what she'll say because we haven't talked in a month, i wonder if she even cares about me anymore.
effort and sincerity: with those you can accomplish anything. i wonder if thats true, i never slacked off with Bev, i always tried my best and i always told the truth but still this happened, i wish Time-Space With Yuko was real, then i could ask her if thats really true with love. the irony is that that kind of talk is the reason Bev left me, reality avoiding. if it is true i'm doing the wrong thing, i ran away from Bev, i stopped showing effort,and this action is not my choice, i don't want to do it, its in no way sincere, but the fact remains i'm too much of a coward to call her. i wish she'd go online and read this, she told me before i came over there at some point that she'd actually always had been reading my posts, she just didn't want to comment because she felt her words weren't smart enough and that i didn't care because i never answered questions she asked. i wonder if she read this now [crying again] if she'd be able to tell her words had meaning?
i'm trying so hard to be strong but its not working, because without sometimes i forget how to stand, i'm so sorry to all of you, i never find time to visit and i never write AP because it reminds me too much of her, i'm just giving up it seems, i just can't do anything right right now, but i'll keep trying, i really hope you guys keep coming back.
for 2.5 years i could never hear Bev's voice in my head, no matter what i did her voice would never come to me, today in the the bath i kept hearing her cooing in my ear
"i'm you're beaner *giggle*"
"te amo, mi amor"
"i looooooooove you"
why does it hurt so much, why does it seem like life is just trying to hurt me, words i could never find when they helped just show up when it hurts?
maybe next time i check in i won't be such a tool, i meant to start talking about other things today, but i failed, better luck next time!