Sunday, February 3, 2008
i'm glad you all think i'm so strong, and that i'm so full of insight into the good parts of humanity, i really don't understand that second part, being as all i'm doing is bitching about my life, maybe i'm too close to it to see, maybe when i look back i'll see the wisdom all you guys see in my words, but right now i'm saying what i'm saying just to try to empty out all the turmoil inside me more than i'm trying to instruct you all on how to be a better person.
i'm also glad you guys trust my strength enough to call me a bitch and tell me that if i were an emo none of you would talk to me, its support like that that makes me strong, i'm so glad i have you guys here to help me out at times like this.
but i must admit this has been a piss-poor day, crappy weekend actually, i had no school friday so i had a lot of time off and unfortunately instead of being time for me to heal and progress somehow it turned into time where i ruminated and in the end, regressed. though i've never been through this before so there is a good chance that i am in fact progressing and that on that path there are peaks and furrows and i just fell into one of those because right now it really feels like all i can to to keep from breaking.
at times it feels like emotional feedback, like when you bring two ones too close together, when i'm idol i just feel all this pressure all around me, all the dying dreams, all the promises for the future, the world that i was building for the two of us that i thought would be my masterpiece will most likely be left to wither and die so that at some point in the future i can try it all over again, hopefully with the ending i was hoping for. and the re-realization [don't ask me how many times i've "realized" cuz i don't fucking know anymore]of me not having all those half-breed mexican children i was hoping for.
i think, no matter how fucked up it is, that i miss the poetry as much as i miss her. i miss the fact that i was such an inspiration, i was leading a committed, long-distance, interracial, high school romance which was going to be my "first and last" and everything was going to be "forever" because we "promised". i guess i liked the fact we'd overcome so much, and now its all a failure. that i'm 17, i've had one girlfriend and that lasted for less than 3 years. my pride is really fucking me over so much.
but its not all bullshit, i really miss the activities we'd do together, i turned on rock of love II and after realizing that i had no one to repeat the lines to and gossip about the girls to i became very sad, i miss watching the vh1 dating shows with my beaner. its so weird to have no grand finale each night, before i didn't mind it was bedtime because that meant it was Bev-time, and even in the morning going to school i got to call her before i left, and that always cheered me up. i miss that, i miss hearing her voice, i miss her so deeply but i know calling her will do nothing. if i call i'll just end up trying to dump all my problems on her again, try to force her to be my life-raft and she can't be that anymore.
and sometimes she just isn't the same, some of the things she's said, that she believes now really hurt me, and it really feels like i can't win. if she's the same then i'll fall in love with her again, and if she's different then i'm asking a different person to comfort me the way the other did. i really feel like we lack things in common, i just can't seem to get up the nerve to call her. 2000 miles seems to far for the bonds of a friendship to stretch, without my heart begging for her and being nurtured by her love it just seems too hard to be calling her each day.
today my dad got bit by my brother's dog and had to go to hospital, so i was left at ho,e to just mull about again, the first thought i had, the first fucking thought was "i need to call Bev." yeah, and say what? tell her my story, if she's home, cuz unlike me she has a life, so i tell her my story, if she takes my call, and if she listens to my story, and then what? it just all seems so pointless, i feel so empty and everything just feels like an escape, the passing of time brings pain and i have naught to look forward to.
as long as i'm busy i'm happy, i can run from all the thought of how my life has changed, how i've lost so much. my strength is in the fact that i can move on, but i still can't do that fully, i still get drawn back and i still feel pain.
i feel like shit for feeling this way but i don't know what else i can do, i want to talk to her, i want us to be friends but my wanting alone was not enough for our relationship so can it really save a friendship? i don't even know if she wants to take my call.
oh well, i haven't driven you guys away, i can still bitch to all you, i'll try to start visiting again, so i can give as well as take.
i went to home depot today, felling all mopey, and whilst my mother was getting home repair advice i went off and stared at all the lights in the light section, i think all the lamps and ceiling lights are pretty. its funny though because here i am lost, alone and wandering and i was literally drawn to the light. so either i really am seeking a new lover or i just have an attention span like a moth.