Wednesday, January 30, 2008
How far we've come.
as Yensid-sama would say "you guys have reading comprehension problems." good Christ the only non-whiny part of that whole damn rant was me saying i'm gonna go shave and you dumb-asses think i'm going to go kill myself!
i'm touched by you're concern though, its always nice to know that people care and that if you did off yourself there wouldn't be a world-wide sigh of relief. i suppose its really selfish to take joy in the fact you can hurt others but sometimes you need that little ego boost, i'm glad that all you guys still want to hear from me now.
yep, my raison detre has been taken away, it turns out that she wasn't the green stick figure and once more i shall be wandering through the town with no people and searching for the one just for me and only for me. i am in no way enjoying this but unfortunately the sad truth is that being unhappy, dissatisfied or depressed doesn't change anything. i can pine and whine and bitch and moan but all that does is make make me seem weak, as much as i want everything that has happened to just go away and everything to go back to the way it was for 2 and a half years it won't. we're both different people now and operantly i no longer fit into the new plans for the future, so just like Athrun i was pretty much phased out and almost eliminated, but just like him i survived [i guess i have a ;lot in common with Zala, we've both terrible with women.]
alas i thought it'd be forever but it wasn't, all those promises mean nothing if the other person lacks the will to keep them, the distance, our youth, today's world and probably even our personalities drove us apart, i can't even bear to pick up the phone anymore, i don't know what to say. as much as i want to change the world to make it conducive to my will and her dreams i'm not god and therefore as i've said i once more am left without that i value most.
but i'm doing better now, i've amerced myself i video games and hanging out with my older brother, i suppose that might make me seem like a loser or some stupid otaku/geek but i'd rather be hated and alone because of who i am rather then loved for my ability to deceive. i believe that its possible to be happy living behind a mask if you have pride in your work but its not the life for me, i wasn't born to be popular and i don't strive to be popular either. finding someone who values me as a crude, feminine anime and love freak will always be my prime objective, but its not really the kind i can actively pursue at this point, i'll just have to hope for lightning to strike twice.
boy is it awkward to be admitting this, i guess every time i bring it up i feel like i'm validating it, i guess i think if i never say it it'll never be true, if your dream dies in the woods and no one sees the corpse is it still alive?
no, what is dead is dead, and hiding its expiration does nothing but burden your soul, no matter how much it wounds my pride to not be able to come on here and flaunt my happiness and my success like some bauer bird in reality to hide the fact that this has occurred and to go on like nothing has changed would be even more pathetic, denile is nothing but the opiate of the one two weak to face the truth, life sucks right now, i'm struggling from day to day and i'm definitely not where i wanna be, but i'm not some stupid emo shit crying off my mascara and cutting myself so i can wallow in my misery until someone comes and saves me.
because the problem with saviors is, once your safe and can walk again, they lose interest and move on.
one day Yukino will leave Arima, fuck what the manga says, one day she'll see him as holding her back, and his devotion won't be enough, so she'll elope with Asaba because he has lots of friends too, he's "fun".
so here i stand as Arima, but i refuse to lose myself to the darkness inside, unlike him, i killed that dark self the moment my support was gone, it took all i had, but i knew if i didn't i'd lose myself to it.
i hope i can thank her some day for saving my life, if i ever get up the nerve to call her again.