Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Tobira no Mokou
yeah, i admit i am pretty bitchy. my whole long rant about how the finality of existence and how my new years transition was uneventful was pretty much just me begging for pity and being a whiny little shit.
i'm glad a lot of you guys could feel my pain though, on second thought its possible i should feel really bad that so many of you guys DID see where i was coming from, that's not really good at all if you think about it. i feel a lot better now, its just on the actual day i feel kinda shitty because i'm forced to kinda sit back and watch as the rest of the world celebrates. i was looking forward to another new years of playing Gears with my brother online but being as he was probably off comforting his beloved and her family over the loss of her father i can't really blame him.
i suppose its up to an individual to be happy, its sort of a cop-out to say "the world hates me" or a similar sentiment. fate does determine everything but i believe that are personal choices are what creates that path so really saying that i'm fated to be miserable is to say that my actions will always bring me to misery and i just don't believe thats true. all of life is a series of challenges and fate is the action that the personality you were given drives you to make, if its my fate to be miserable that's my fault.
so in retrospect it was my reliance on my kin that led to my unhappiness, i'm just as bad as my mother, i expect my brother to drop everything and cheer me up, though i never did blame him for going to see her, God knows i wouldn't think twice about throwing him under the bus for Bev's benefit so with all the rationality granted to a functioning human being i can't complain him for choosing her over me. hell if he didn't i'd be highly disturbed.
Bev keeps saying i need friends, she's a lot happier now that she has an entourage so by human nature she believes i'd be happier if i had a bunch of friends, but truth be told i doubt that'd help. i'm just not good with friends, i'm selfish and inconsiderate by nature, only help people if its for my benefit, in Bev's case i'm in love with her so her happiness makes me happy but for the most part thats the only instance of that happening, over the last few years i've started to become more empathetic but really thats a new skill for me, i'd really have to level it up for it to affect me in any way normally. i don't know, its so easy for me to sacrifice for Bev and so impossible for me to do it with anyone else.
plus i've never really met anyone i'd really want to be friends with it think, maybe Dafina and a few other people over the years, but right now in my circle of friends i just can't see spending much more time with any of them, i like them all fine, its just weird to me. i try to say that its because i've met no one like me but Josh and Chris are a lot like me and i look down on them, maybe because they look like stereotypical "nerds" and i look like a stereotypical gay/bi person and their utter lack of anal-compulsive primping annoys me. or it could be that Josh is a disgusting pervert who's obsession with sex is only matched by his fear and inability around women or that Chris has bigger breasts than Bev, is trying to get fatter, dominates conversation, tells week-long stories about his anime-based dreams and has no interest in romance at all. i really don't know why i feel they way i do but i don't think making friends is a solution for me.
see my brother is awesome because he's pretty much me, though slightly more retro, but i can deal with that, show me another person like me, my brother or Bev and i'll have another friend, but being as i've not met such a person i'm secure in my seclusion. i'll go out and party with Bev, because she's my ice-breaker, i can associate with people she likes, but i'm not much on getting my own crew.
and believe me, if i could have spent new years in vegas with Bev i would have in a second, sometimes that distance really can suck.
but alas i'm still alive and i don't care if the cake is a lie because i don't like sweets.
i'm just going to keep going on my merry way and hope that Bev can understand i'm happy this way, hell as long as she stays with me she can prod me all she wants, i think its cute and sweet!
Doc: I'm a pacifist...
Donut: You're what babies suck on?
Tucker: No, thats a Pedophile!
Church: I think you meant to say "Pacifier."
Tucker: Yeah... i was thinking of a whole other thing there.
my speakers work again so that means catching up with and finishing Red vs Blue.
Sanctuary is playing on my Zune so i'm ducking out now, peace!
♥ JD Person ♥