Tuesday, January 1, 2008
well another year gone and not much gained on my part, though i suppose if i really think about it i did do a lot this year, maybe its just that i feel no vast, obvious differences. i did spent that wonderful week in Vegas and Bev did make me a man but i suppose that i'm still a pessimist at heart and every once in a while it just gets the better/worse of me. it could just be that my brother was off keeping his lover company during the first new year without her father so the fact that i rang in the new year with my father alone probably added a bit to to the unpleasant vibe i had as i realized it was just two minutes left in 07.
or it could be that for a few years now finality has really been painful to me, to realize that everything only exists for so long then it just ends, that each date only exist for a day and then its gone forever, never to exist again, that after 365 days that years change and never go back, to realize that so much is finite is really depressing, or at least is for me. plus there is the fact that i graduate this year, its that date "08" that i've know would lead to my being pushed into the real world since 1st grade, but its always been this far off thing, far in the future i'll be gone, but the time is now and once more that hit me like a ton of the bricks to the soul, i suppose i just find the world so painful, i suppose i'm just the type that prefer that long lifetime of dying slowly.
maybe thats why i run away to fantasy so much, because i'm really unhappy with reality, the only part of which i truly enjoy is Beverly, so maybe its true that i try to escape it and thats why i spend all my time watching anime and playing video games. its probably why i look up to characters like Kira, he's everything i'm not, he faces reality, he's driven and he actually does things, not only does he face the world but he changes it. maybe if i had the abilities he does i'd be like that too, it could just be because i see myself as a failure that i myself make that true. i think so deeply about this but all that seems to do is make me more confused, hopefully i'll figure everything out and become something some day, or at least find a nice little niche that i can spend a lifetime of dying slowly in.
but in the meantime i'll still live my life, my boring little slow dying life, playing my video-games and probably living vicariously through them. i finally just beat that level i was training to beat, apparently my methods weren't "good" or "bad" just "normal" which i suppose is good, i still think that if those soldiers were willing to kill Croix's fiance the deserve to die, sometimes even us squishy mortal beings deserve death and i think that situation was a great example of when people really need to just die. of course i was right that Croix was the dark prince and apparently Noir was just waiting for him to become his evil self, though i still think that taking him in the woods would have done just as well but hell, what do i know? either way now Croix is off randomly killing all humans he sees, Alouette is taking her last breaths and Prier is mourning the fact that she'll have to off Croix, and this is the point where i can convert some Succubi and all the people with immense spiritual power are all gone so all i have is Culotte and Éclair to try and convert some seductresses with which i'm guessing will really suck [pun not intended] so hopefully in training these two useless slackers they'll develop some ability to purify or else my chances will be ruined to gain me some demoness sex-appeal power.
new years in all its depressingly un-eventful glory went on longer than expected so i'm guessing getting around to you guys will take even longer, sorry for the even greater wait.
Dark Eclair: Culotte... Eclair, you two can't do anything without your big sister Prier!
its like the programmers knew ahead of time both of them were absolutely useless.
♥ JD Person ♥