Tuesday, July 3, 2007

*short post*
Thank you for those of you who commented, you know who you are.

I did txt him and he ignored me but I should have seen that coming a mile away.

I finally found the name of the movie that has been haunting me. Back in Feb. I was watching TCM in the hotel and fell in love with this movie, but it never showed the title while I watched it. So off and on it bugged me that I didn't know the name of it. Today I found it! It is a movie from 1934 called, It Happened One Night, it stars Clark Gable from Gone With the Wind. You know, the guy who says something along the lines of 'Quite frankly dear, I don't give a damn' yep that awesome actor is in it. I want to buy it and looked it up online at wal-mart and it is there but only sold online and it is 18.88 it is expensive for a black and white movie, but so totally worth it. For you guys who don't like chick flicks, this very much is a chick flick.

So much for a short post.

Hope all is well.

Jess
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Monday, July 2, 2007

...................
I dyed my hair again. I really love it.

SO I am super tired and luckily I only have a two day work week before I got to the beach. I haven't been to the beach in years! I am excited I am even going to go fishing.

It's been almost a week since I have talked to my friend and I know if I txt him it will make things worse but I don't know what to do. I don't really know how much time to let pass before he has calmed down. He said he was pissed at me and I am afraid that he won't ever be "un-pissed" at me. Oh well I guess. I am going to try and leave him alone until I go back home in August. I just wish things weren't so screwed up.

Well, that is pretty much it. I hope to be able to get on tomorrow, especially since it is my last day with a computer until next week.

Hope you all have a wonderful week and safe and wonderful 4th of July.

Jess
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Friday, June 29, 2007

   I feel ... I feel... I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN IT! *cries*
Yeah, I don't know how to explain it but I feel a little better and I also, at the same time feel like crying.

A couple of days ago I had a REALLY BIG fight with a friend, more so a crush and I know I won't be talking to him again. He made me feel guilty and make me feel like everything was my fault but deep down I know it isn't. I just feel really cruddy about it. I can't stop thinking about him but he said some pretty nasty mean things to me.

ANYWAY, it has been awhile hasn't it? I miss being on here so much but I didn't even make it to work so no computer AT ALL these past couple of days and it was pouring so I couldn't walk to the library. I may be able to this Saturday but it is supposed to be raining some more.

I want a break so bad. I felt so bad from that fight I am pretty sure it made me sick.

My friend offered to pick me up for thier 4th of July party but I am pretty sure my family is going to have a cow. I hope I can really go. What are yalls plans for that day?

I gotta go pretend to work now but I hope to be back Monday!

Have a wonderful week-end!

Jess
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

   It has been so long!
Well I am at work right now. Hence the whole not being here. I don't know when I am going to be able to come back, or even visit sites for that matter.

I hope everyone is doing well. I will be home this week-end for a little bit, I don't really know for sure for how long. But I hope to catch some anime and be able to post here and visit.

I am on day 9 of work and haven't worked on any of my stories. : ( BUT I have been working out and have noticed the results. Hopefully at this rate I will be the size I was my freshman year of highschool (four years ago).

I have been really depressed lately but I think I am getting better. I got to a coffee shop everyday for lunch and hang out there, it's the highlight of my day. Except on week-ends where the highlight of that is watching anime. Although last Saturday I feel asleep at like 9:30 and barely made it through Naruto. That better not be the case this week-end.

I need to get back to work but I hope to see you all soon!

Have a wonderful day!

Jess
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Sunday, June 10, 2007

I am going to crash
I never finished all that stuff that I was supposed to yesterday so today I will be cleaning the rest of my room (it is done for the most part), packing (still have a long way to go on that) and getting the last minute things that I need.

I hope you all have a wonderful summer while I am stuck in my hell on earth. I am thinking that I will be able to get some stories written while I am down there. I have been putting them off for a long time.

Be good and have fun!


Jess
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Saturday, June 9, 2007

   Not much time...
Today I am cleaning my room, attempting to pack, and getting last minutes items. I am leaving for work (out of town).

Since I cannot use my aunt's computer at her house, where I am staying, I won't be able to be on that often. But I will try at work and at the local coffee shop. Maybe I can get my laptop soon, I highly doubt it though.

I asked that guy I have been talking about if he wanted to go on a trip when I get back and he asked where and hasn't said yes or no yet. I hope he says yes I really need this "vacation". I bet my mom is going to try and tell me no but I am 18 and graduated, she shouldn't really be able to tell me anything. I will tell her where we are going and everything but I am going I never get to do what I want to because I am always busting my ass, excuse the language. I think I do that to make her happy and she is never happy with me so that may be partially why I am depressed sometimes.

If I don't see you all for the next couple of months I wish you all well.

Jess
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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

   My life just keeps getting worse...beautiful misleadings.
Yesterday on myspace I posted a blog about what I realized yesterday while I cleaned my room. Here it is:

"*Bleed it out*

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line

Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind

Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose

String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare
Bled myself out and no one cares

Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
[End Chorus]

Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow

Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works

Fuck this hurts I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

...

So I have realized what has been going on...

I never truely liked this boy who haunted my thoughts. I only admired and envied his freedom. I saw him as my 'outlet', my way to achieve my freedom. Only it didn't work how I had subconsciously wanted. I hate that I had done it, but I did it with out even knowing it, does that make me a bad person?

I think so. I hate myself and I think I have fallen even deeper. This is my cry for help but too bad no one knows or even cares. I need a break. But I keep pushing myself. I continue pushing everyone away. I will be by myself during the next two months and I fear my thoughts are going to drive me insane. "

I don't understand why some people are telling me I am stupid for what I did, I am sorry I offended you. I didn't think it was a big deal.

Pinkchii009 : Please help me understand why it is stupid.

Hylan : Thanks for the comment.

I have been feeling bad lately. I just don't want to go on anymore. I stayed at my grandmothers last night hoping to get some sleep cause my mother and I had a fight. But I didn't get so good sleep because of the dream I had. The boy I thought I liked was hanging out with me and a freind. WARNING it gets unappropriate the next paragraph is appropriate. Don't say I didn't warn you. HE was in front of us and then all of a sudden me and my freind were doing it in front of the guy I thought I had liked. We were covered so he didn't see us. But I was uncomfortable doing it with my freind especially since he was there.

I feel like a horrible daughter and person. I tried rebelling by sneaking out(I've only done it once, this year), dying my hair, smoking, drinking, and getting this tattoo. But at the time I really thought I needed to do it. I don't think I would be here if I hadn't. It's helped me be a better person, if that even makes sense.

I gotta go do some stuff. I can't leave comments at work but I will try when I get home.

Have a wonderful day!

Jess


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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

AMP energy OVERDRIVE is AWESOME!!
Yeah I just finsihed a 16 FL oz of it and want another one. They have this new one that I am guessing is cherry flavored.

I have been gone for the past two days in Corpus with my freind and I got a tattoo. I love it but it is so much work. Seran wrap is SO MUCH trouble.

I got into it with my mother when I got home, she found everything and anything to complain about and yell at me for. It really ticks me off. I am not supposed to go anywhere but if I am going to be stuck at home for the next two months at my aunt's house I am going to have fun before I leave to work this week-end. So I am going to be in more trouble.

Have a wonderful day!

Jess
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Monday, May 28, 2007

   %I am hoping that mood face is confused.%
I am confused.

So Friday I skipped my classes and stayed in my BCIS teacher's class until I went with that guy out to eat. We ate Chinese food, I LOVE Chinese food. I had fun and then he poked fun and said that we weren't going back to school. I was really late to work by this time and my belongings were there.

Saturday I had a wedding and that day was just plain crappy. I called that guy if he could pick me up and when he finally called it was late. I asked my mom and she said no. :( So I asked my cousin (the bride) if I could invite someone and she said it was fine. So he came and I had fun. I missed anime by the way, which was not fun.

Sunday my uncle let me go to the movies with him and we were going to go see Pirates of the Caribbean. We bought our ticket, now we are on our way into the theater the movie is in and it is incredibly quiet. He goes do you smell that? I said no. We turn the corner and there is a ton of people which is weird because you would guess from the quietness that there was hardly anyone there. Then the smell hit me. It was gross. The only open seats were the ones in front that you have to keep your neck craned up the whole time to watch the movie. So we got a refund and went to his house. I had fun. He turned on the air and I got cold (I get cold easily) He poked fun at me when I grabbed my jacket to try and cover up. Not even 10 minutes later he gets a comforter and I am just looking at like I can't believe you have the nerve. Then he goes oh, did you want some? SO when he hands me some covers I pulled all of it away leaving me with all of it. I had a lot of fun and didn't want to leave when it was time. I had to be home by 12. He goes why can't you just tell them I got pulled over? My parents would freak. SO I go why don't I just stay the night. lol.

Hopefully we will be able to go see POC today. I really want to see it especially before someone ruins it for me. My friend was laughing at me cause he kept saying things about it. Making me think he was going to ruin it.

Have a wonderful day!

Jess

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Friday, May 25, 2007

NO EXAMS!!
SO I am exempt and I am happy about it. I was sure that I wasn't going to be. Mostly because of my absences due to my wisdom teeth being pulled, I was out for three days.

I think I am finally over that guy. Ha, that sounds so silly. But I keep thinking about him, well, not exactly him but the things he did. It's werid, sorry, I know.

I can't wait until Saturday I am going to watch anime but I may not be able to because I have my cousin's wedding and my family is coming in.

I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday but it is a male. I haven't had a male doctor in years. No offense to male doctors I just feel more comfortable with female ones because of the fact that I am. Sounds stupid but it doesn't really bother me.

Ok so today is going to be weird/interesting. My BCIS teacher was gone yesterday so we had a sub. My teacher is NEVER gone so I was a bit upset. I have decided to buckle down and skip 1st block and go to BCIS to work. I have been really slacking in there.

This post is getting to long based on nothing. So I will stop.

Have a wonderful day!

Jess

UPDATE!!: UGH! I was planning to read posts and comment but it won't let me comment! :( Hopefully I will be able to later today.

Jess
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