Thursday, January 7, 2010

the game.
i started smoking agian. I hate smoking. I hate the smell. I hate the taste. I hate the everything about it. But it takes the edge off things. And i hate myself for feeling like i need it. the nightmares wont stop. I keep having the same dream. About the crash. I dream im in the car watching everyone. I see them laughing, smiling. Then the car startsspinning. Faster and faster. Theres screaming. A loud crunch/bang/kaboom noise. And then its over. Its because of that dream that im to afraid to drive in the snow. I called myself into school today because i was to afraid to drive in the snow. : /
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Monday, January 4, 2010

how long untill i can wake up without checking my phone to see if steven needs a ride? How long untill i can walk through walmart without crying? How long until i can laugh agian?
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Sunday, January 3, 2010

good day sunshine
today marks 1 month. It was hard. Too see groups of friends at the mall. Why cant i have my friends?
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Thursday, December 31, 2009

#In2010 everything will be alright.
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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

things have changed
hi. Yesterday i was surprisingly okay. I dont know why. Derek and i are trying to plan a new years party. But the thing is, we dont have any people to invite. Its painfully true that all of our friends ust died. I have other friends, but theyve allready got plans, and derek doesnt have any. D: so i guess itll ust be me and him getting shitfaced in his basement.
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Monday, December 28, 2009

all was golden in the sky.
so i was being cute and doing a myspace survey. And one question was "if you had to earase one year of your life which one would it be?" i thought to myself, this on. Its been the hardest by far. But then i thought agian and decided no, the time i had with steven, shanna, and lauryn were the best times of my life. We were so close, and i wouldnt erase it. For anything. I dont want to forget. I just wat to know that im not alone. I guess im really selfish like that. or something. I wish i had more time with them. I still feel guilty. About the crash. I feel as if i could have stopped it. If i had gone i would have been driving and i feel as if thingswould have turned out differnt. But i was un-invited because steven was buying me my christmas present. The reason for their going to walmart was my fault in a way. Otherwise they would have stayed and fucked around andys house.
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Sunday, December 27, 2009

i fucking love bagels.
I eat alot now. I guess theres this emptyness in my chest, and it wont go away and i feel as if i eat alot it will fill? Or somthing like that. I got a text from my friend molly saying that a mukwanago teen was killed in a crash. I stared crying because i know what the mukwanago kids are going to be going through. And my coworker ashley was best friends with her. Why does december suck so much? I miss everyone one of them so much. But andy is doing swell. He doesnt know about the crash yet. Today he walked with a walker 12 steps. He tried going on his facebook, but couldnt remember his password. Which is a good thing. But i dont know. They say he hasnt been told yet. But when they pulled him from the car he said 'theres 3 more inside'. And lauryn died on impact so he had to have known. Niether steven nor shanna were responsive. I dont know. With the head inury he recieved its likely he wont mremember the entire day. But he should be talking visitors soon. :] i miss him.
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Thursday, December 17, 2009

my mother is making me see a counsiler. The first visit she randomly asked my orientation. So naturally i respong saying 'are you hitting on me?'
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Friday, December 11, 2009

i just went to the last of the 3 funerls. Im so devistated. I dont even know what to do. Ive been clinging to stevens sweatshirt, lauryns bracelet, shannas hairclip, for everything theyre worth. Because when i have them i dont feel so alone. I dont see how to get my life back on track, i cant seem to accept that theyre gone. I locked the messege from jenn saying they died. Its jut seeing it makes me know this is real. It seems if i delete it, everything will go back to normal. How can 3 perfectly good kids just up and dissapear? Im not thinking straight. Bed time. Oh. And andy is expected to be okay. :) hell be in the hospital for about 6 more months but still.
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Sunday, December 6, 2009

i know i had said i was done, but i have one last thing i need to vent on.
last thursday, dec 5th. 6 of my best friends were involved in a car accident. Lauryn, Shanna, Steven, Andy, Cori, and Becky.

That day during homeroom steven lauryn shanna and i were making plans to bring our sick friend andy brownies and go to walmart. i got a phone call from my boss a few hours later asking me to work.

it was snowy but i wasnt afraid of the weather because, 17 year olds are invincable. right? on my way to mukwanago on county es. i saw an accidents aftermath. i looked bad. i got directed to go another way.

as soon as i clocked into work, i recieved a frantic text from a mutual friend saying steven shanna andy and lauryn were in an accident and in the hospital. she asked me to keep tabs. i went in back and made myself throw up to get sent home. it worked.

i was scared out of my mind. i had my mom drive over to dans. i had to tell him and his mom. they had practicly raised steven. they would want to visit him. i didnt bring my phone.

as soon as i got home, i heard the familiar blip of my phone. i walked over to it. saw the messege. "steven and lauryn died :\ shanna and andy are in the icu. shanna lost a kidney." with that i let out a scream, threw up, tried to walk upstairs, but i passed out. my mom came down and saw the messege. she went and told dan.

dan and him mom drove to the hospital to be with the familys. when i woke up i begged my mom to take me too, but her car wouldnt work right, and she refused to go without a 4 wheel drive vehicle.

i went home, called a few people, and cryed myself to sleep.

the next day i went to school. i spoke to dan. shanna passed too. she was doing alright for a few hours, but then her heart stopped. they revived her. but her lungs filled with fluid and they had to pull the plug. she died smiling, like she always did.

as to steven and lauryn. lauryn died on impact. steven in the ambulance. andy, the driver, is in a coma. he woke up yesterday morning. but they put him back in a coma. hes reciecing brain surgery. he will most likely have pernament brain damage.

now i said cori and becky were involved as well.

cori was driving the car tat hit them.

this is what happened.

cori was on her way back to east troy. andys car was on the way to mukwanago. the speed limit drops from 45 to 35so andy hit his brakes on some black ice. he slid. ending up horizonally on the other lane. coris vehicle t boned them. there wasnt anything she could do.

becky was the passenger. she ended up with a few bruises. cori has a broken ankle and a hell of a guilt trip. shes blamning herself.

i miss them all. vey much. i still havent seen the cars, but i know they were awful. they had to jaws for life the roof off of andys car, and theres not a straight piece of metal anywhere. it must have rolled. coris car faired better, the front is crunched in. this is just what ive heard. i cant briong myself to look just yet. the accident i passed, was them.

steven, was the most interesting charecter ive ever met. he was himself. he stood for equality. and tolarance. he founded a club called solidarirty at our school. the club is for spreading the word that its ok to be gay, its ok to be black, its ok if youre a jew, its ok no matter what or who you are.

shanna, shes the sinshine. she brightens everyones day. she always smiled. always. even when she was broken up with, she came to school the next day smiling and laughing about something stupid. now, everytime i see the sun, i think shanna. shes outside right now.

lauryn, she was the hybrid of both. she wasnt afraid to be herseld. you never knew what would come out of her mouth. she was always laughing. so quirky. and a brillient mind.

in their final hours they made a video and put it on youtube. it was their goodbye to all of us.



the blonde in the black and white is lauryn. the petite one in the blue is shanna. the guy without the glasses is steven. and the one with the glasses is andy.

please everyone keep and in your prayers. i know hes a fighter, but he cant do it alone.

the school has become closer now. people ive talked to before are texting me expressing their sympathies. extra hugs are given out. everyone is driving safer.

please, myo, drive safer.

on friday, everyone in the school made snow angles in their memory. it was one of stevens last requests. he told jenna to make him snowangels. he said hed grade them. so we all did our jhomework. dan and i made a sun inthe snow, and a kitty. the sun for shanna, the kitty for lauryn.

today, im speaking to a reporter. as the last concous on of that group of friends, i want to do them all justice and make it clear that cori wasnt at fault.

everyone be safe, drive slow, like a granny, wear your seatbelt. (it saved andy.) and live each day to its fullest, just like they did.
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