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Saturday, March 28, 2009


*Waves* Hello there everyone! ^_^ How are you?

Well since I haven't done a post in forever, I am going to do one right now. And this isn't going to be a post just to say hi but I am going to be talking about a lot that has been going on, so it will probably be a bit long. I know I haven't been commenting much, but I am doing so today so if you can please read this and maybe comment, that would be great. Thank you. *hugs*

So for the most part I have been busy with school(had some stress days), friend problems, morbid thoughts, down times...you know, the usual things life throws at us. Lol. Although I have had some WONDERFUL times too of course! :D Been texting Kelsey(I love you! X3), talking to Caprisha, Steph, and Kathryn on TheO, been playing a new game I got called, "Avalon Code", and having a ton of laughing moments.

However, the past two months have been filled with down times for me it seems like. They come and go. I know all human begins get this way, we all have our depressed day. But mine is a bit different from normal people^^; As some of you may know I have morbid thoughts about killing others, mostly the people I am closet to. They say everyone has thoughts like these, but the people who have OCD find it harder to get them out of their mind. I have a form of OCD that triggers thoughts like these; it is called "Violent Obsessions". If you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a link to a website that tells you all about it:

http://understanding_ocd.tripod.com/ocd_obsessions.html

Anyway, so I have been doing very good with these thoughts. I am able to control them more easily now and make them go away faster. But I still do have them of course...they just don't say, "see you later!"...I wish, but they don't. Well...last night I was holding my baby cousin, Sam(you know, the one who I have shown videos of)...and I just rocked him to sleep and I had a terrible thought of throwing him into the fireplace while the fire was going...

Do you know how bad this hurt me? To picture myself throwing a sweet little boy into a fire? The OCD takes stuff that you love and twists it around to make you feel like you hate it...it hurts so bad to think like your some crazy, sicko. To know that someday you just might snap and do those things...it literally tears me apart and makes me feel really down, as I do today. And its not just Sam that I have thoughts about, but my Mom as well...I love her so much, she is like an angel but to think stuff like that...it just takes it out of you. You're filled with guilt, shame and you soon start to lose trust in both yourself and other people.

There are only a few handful of people I can talk to this about becuase others would misunderstand me completely and think I was crazy. And that is what happens. They get hospitalize, reported to the police, etc. It is one of the worst feelings ever to be misunderstood....

Now you're probably thinking, "Meagan, you know that isn't you! Your always so kind and its just your mind telling you stuff like that! You wouldn't be feeling guilt about killing another person if you really were a psycho!"...but how do I know if OCD is really what I have? Lately I am so use to the thoughts that I actually FEEL like doing them but I know I wouldn't...it is just a constant battle with myself. I never know what is true and what is not....

Also, please don't say that you could just be angry at your Mom for getting into a fight or something like that. I don't have any negative feelings toward any of the people that I think bad thoughts about. OCD is triggered in the mind without reason. They say it will take years to find out how it truly starts.

Ugh, so anyway...I'm glad I got that all off my chest^^; Thank you for reading all of that if you did. I just...this place is like a second home to me and all of you are like family members. I really do love you guys. So thank you for always understanding and accepting me. I will be just fine as I have been of course. Just got to keep moving forward! *thumbs up* ^___^

Enough with that drama. XD Today is started snowing like crazy! Winter is not giving up! Although I am kind of sick of Winter^^; I want the nice Spring weather I love so much! I want to get out of the house!!! XP Oh well, I am watching the Disney marathon on the Disney Channel so all is good! X3 Disney = ♥

Hmm...that was oddly random. XD

Also random, random...but there is this boy at school named Nicholas AKA Taz...and yeah, I think I like him. XD Lol.

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Okay...time for quiz result time!!



Your Animal is the Otter



You are a supportive, caring person. You value human life, and you think each person deserves compassion.

You are optimistic and inspiring. You see what people need to feel complete, and you help them get it.



You bond easily with others, and you are especially close to your family. You love to share, learn, and play together.

Security is important to you. You are calm, as long as you aren't threatened.


.....Wow for only putting in your birthday, this is pretty accurate. O_o

AMV random pick!

One of my favorite chobits video of all time! ♥ Please watch! :D And it has Chii in it so of course I love it! XD

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Take care everyone! Thank you for reading this! :D Once Summer Break starts I will be on here more. Two months away! X3 Yayness! *hugs* Take care and may you all have days filled with sunshine and happiness^^

Much Love,
Meagan


Hideki and Chii + Hugs = ♥ XD
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