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myOtaku.com: Hugs 4 Al Elric

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

   Sorry...my rantings/some odd comparisons to Harry Potter...
I just had to type out my feelings. I love her so much. Even when I think of her name, my stomach goes crazy and my eyes start welling with tears. Iíve never loved anyone this much. I go insane every time that I see her and know that it will be months upon months until I see her beautiful face. And I have to worry about stupid guys stealing her away...I wish that we could just be happy. Together.

I think she loves me. It makes sense. I was there for her so much last year, and I try my best to even be this year...even though facebook and the phone arenít good enough substitutes for a cuddle session on my bed waiting to watch Tim and Eric.

To Tim:

I love you. And even though this note is addressed to ďTim,Ē Iím really being serious. I just canít let myself because my mind and heart are working against each other. That is so clichť. Oh ho, that is so clichť. Youíre allowed to hit me for that one.

Love Eric

Why is it this easy to type? Why not to speak? No, Iím lying, arenít I. Itís even difficult to type this shit up. Fuck that. Itís not shit, itís the truth. And that is not shit. Itís true undying feelings from the dark passageways of my heart that very few people are allowed into. Less and less each day.

I love barbies. And my sister. And Chloie.

I thought that my sister and Chloie were the only ones with this access part of my heart. Chloie especially. The part that opens up on any occasion that we come across each other. I thought that once I was gone from Mia, Iíd miss her, but Iíd probably get over it, and when we saw each other, it might be awkward. But for some reason, my heart says having two best friends is okay.

Iím sorry Nicole. Iím sorry Courtney. You get this place in a lesser degree. You donít reduce me to tears every time I think of our memories. Iím sorry. I really am, you mean a lot to me, but apparently 3c and Mia/Chelsea or Chelsea/Mia (which ever slash pairing I hope it turns out to be) mean quite a bit more.

I feel like awful.

I have Sheska and Winry smiling at me with big beautiful eyes. And all I can think about are Miaís eyes. And my own. Sheska has Miaís eyes. I have Winryís. This is ridiculous. Why is everything related to us? Why do I sit here and cry about someone that Iím to cowardly to ever ask what their true feelings are?

I should never be a Gryffindor. I am a coward. But I guess thatís why Iím in Ravenclaw? Because Iím too wise to be honest? I donít know...maybe I should be a Hufflepuff. They seem like the people to act on impulse. On love.

Hufflepuff always gets bashed, but if thatís their true demenor...then all you bashers have no souls. We should be begging to follow in Helga Hufflepuffís glorious footsteps. Gloriious...haha. Makes me think of an old Vash/Vixie lemon.

That cheered me up a little.

Then I read what I wrote and got brought back crashing down. God, if I ever need a raw emotion paper for next semester...this might be it. I mean, bottled up lesbian tendencies = lots of emotion. But Iím not typing this out for school benefit. Itís supposed to be for me.

I hate men. I hate hate hate them. They all want the same damn shit. And I hate them for it. Thatís not my reason for loving Mia. Iíve dated guys before and during my lovely obsession with her. I tried to get away...but is love truly that strong of a force? It must be, thatís all I can say, it must be.

Dear God:

I rarely pray to you. Especially since you hate gay people. But truth will out, right? I really think I know the truth and please, donít let Mia settle on some guy her mom teaches. Thatís lame. She deserves better. Even if itís in secret.

She deserves me.

You know who itís from.

The tears are gone. The Harry Potter DVD is sitting next to me. A whole internet full of Snarry awaits my 4:30 a.m. boredom-filled-self. I donít even want to try. Iíll just get a creepy guy on a Potter chat from Purdue wanting to facebook me.

Never again internet like that.

I need a hobby. Iím going to start reading, typing, drawing anime again.

And Iím going to try to follow a bit in Godricís footsteps.

Happy New Year.

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