Wednesday, April 26, 2006
New rules on a whim
New Rule: Angelina Jolie must adopt Britney Spears' baby. Britney Spears was recently blessed with a drooling, helpless, little dependent. And after marrying Kevin Federline, they had a baby. Since then, that baby's been dropped and misplaced more often than a set of car keys. First, Britney blamed the nanny, then she blamed the high chair, then she blamed the media. Hold on, I think we've found a replacement for Scott McClellan!
Speaking of which, New Rule: Scott McClellan must move to Hollywood and get into show business. He's proven he's got the two skills needed to make it big in this town: lying and pretending the boss is a genius. All he needs now is a Prius and a trophy wife and he'll be running Warner Bros. in a year.
New Rule: Tom Cruise must eat his baby and rename his movie. Apparently the sequel to "Mission: Impossible II" isn't "Mission: Impossible III." It's "m:i:3." That's "m-colon-i-colon-3." I guess Tom just likes fitting in colons. And on the...and on the home front, he's already announced plans to eat his baby's placenta...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Tom, just go ahead and finish the whole thing, because that kid is going to be one screwed up little Martian anyway. Even Michael Jackson is thinking, "Wow, I never literally ate a kid."
New Rule: Sending someone a birthday e-card doesn't count. If you can't get your s*** together enough to go to Sav-On and pick out an actual physical birthday card, don't bother. I'm not expecting Hallmark. I know you don't care enough to send the "very best," but just don't send the very worst. Or else, when you die, I'll be forced to deliver an e-eulogy.
New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. Police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears. That got them.