Wednesday, May 2, 2007

It never ends with me
I'm still rolling here and it's starting to really get to me. I have to let it go somewhere and this is as good a place as any. Sorry to all of you who have to deal with this. I promise I'll try and mello out soon and make a cool calm and rational rant.

All right, New Rule: Advertisers have to find some other way to show that old people are active than just playing tennis. It doesn't matter if it's dentures, laxatives or a funeral home, if old people need it, the ad shows them playing tennis. If old people really played this much tennis, they'd knock their teeth out, crap themselves and die.

New Rule: The news has to stop coming to a screeching halt every time a Boy Scout gets lost in the woods. And when someone inevitably says, "Oh, there he is," you don't need to bring in the experts and the distant relatives to discuss the topic, "Oh, there he is." Besides, if you can't find your own way out of the woods, what was the point of being a Boy Scout?

New Rule: If he wants my vote, Barack Obama has to stop smiling so much and show me his "war" face. I can't tell if you're selling me your candidacy or Crest White Strips. I'm just looking out for you, Barack, because it's not just an old wives' tale; if you fake too many smiles, your face can get stuck.

New Rule: When you boost stamp prices, you have to raise them to an even number. Who goes to the post office? Old people. How long is it going to take each of them to fish out the extra pennies? All the time ever in history. And then, when will they play tennis?

And finally, New Rule: Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration. Which is why I like to download the latest scandal right onto my iPod. That way, I can catch up on this week's giant fuck-up on my drive in to work. In fact, Bush has so many scandals, he could open a chain of "Bush Scandal and Fuck-up" theme restaurants. "Ooh, should I get the Harriet Miers meatloaf or the Katrina crab cakes?

You know, not to generalize, but the 29% of people who still support President Bush are the ones who love to pronounce themselves more patriotic than the rest of us. But just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock. If you have to say it, chances are it's not true.

And, indeed, the party that flatters itself that they protect America better is the party that has exhausted the military, left the ports wide open and purposefully outed a CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

That's not treason anymore? Outing a spy? Did I mention it was one of our spies? And how despicable that Bush's lackeys attempted to diminish this crime by belittling her service, like she was just some chick who hung around the CIA. "An intern, really. Groupie, if you want to be mean about it."

No. Big lie. Valerie Plame was the CIA's operational officer in charge of counter-proliferation. Which means she tracked loose nukes. So, when Bush said, as he once did, that his absolute, number-one priority was preventing terrorists from getting loose nukes, okay, that's what she worked on. That's what she devoted her life to, staying undercover for 20 years, maintaining two identities every goddamn day. This is extraordinary service to your country.

Valerie Plame was the kind of real-life secret agent George Bush dreams of being when he's not too busy pretending to be a cowboy or a fighter pilot.

CIA agents are troops. This was a military assassination of one of our own, done through the press, ordered by Karl Rove. He said, of Valerie Plame, quote, "She's fair game." And then Cheney shot her.

George Bush likes to claim that he doesn't question his critics' patriotism, just their judgment. Well, let me be the first of your critics, Mr. President, to question your judgment and your patriotism. Because, let's not forget why they did it to her. Because Valerie Plame was married to this guy, Joe Wilson, who the Bush people hated because he busted them on one of their bullshit reasons for invading Iraq.

He was sent to the African country of Niger to see if Niger was selling nuclear fuel to Iraq. They weren't. It was bullshit, and he said so. In fact, his report was called, "Niger, Please!"

Valerie Plame's husband told the truth about their lie, so they were willing to jeopardize an entire network of spies to ruin her life. Wow, even the mob doesn't go after your family.

Mark Twain said, "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." And I say Valerie Plame is a patriot because she spent her life serving her country. Scooter Libby is not, because he spent his life serving Dick Cheney.

Valerie Plame kept her secrets. The Bush Administration leaked like the plumbing at Walter Reed.

In the year, 2008, I really think that Hillary Clinton should run for president on a platform of "restoring honor and integrity to the Oval Office."

Now for my moment of zen. I like this song. Both the song and the vid send a good message i encourage all to heed.

Artist: Nickelback

Song: If Everyone Cared



Ahh, now I feel better.

P.S. Happy birhtday to me.
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