Sunday, April 29, 2007
I'm on a Roll
I've been gone for o long I've got this great build up absolute bile to spill out all over my page so please wtick with me for the next week cause I'll probabaly be updating quite a bit.
First, more new rules.
New Rule: The outside world is not your house. Is it me, or will people wear just about anything to the supermarket? When you hear that announcement over the P.A., "Clean up in Aisle 7," they're talking to you! I mean, it's heartwarming that you held onto those comfy gym shorts from high school, but...I can see your balls. Which reminds me, I'm out of kiwi.
New Rule: This is going to sound harsh, but it has to be said. Don't let your dog drive. This week, a woman in Mongolia crashed her car while trying to teach her dog to drive. And the worst part wasn't the accident. It was when the cops came and the dog blamed it on the Jews.
New Rule: And I never thought I'd be saying this to an accused child-molester:"Pull down your pants!" At least a little. You know, below the nipples. If you don't want people to think you're a delusional retard, don't dress like this guy.
And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Don't say, "Her and I were engaged in a romantic and very sexual interaction." It's "she and I." "Her"is an object; "she" is a subject. Keep making mistakes like that, Mr. Karr, and you'll never get another teaching job.
New Rule: No more ski slope weddings. Let's remember what a ski slope wedding or a skydiving wedding or an underwater wedding really says: "My love for you is so strong, it doesn't warrant a day off from my hobby." On second thought, what better way to celebrate marriage: heading downhill and feeling frigid.
New Rule: If you have to eat crap, at least eat humane crap. This week, Burger King announced that it would begin buying eggs and pork from suppliers that don't keep animals in cages, which is such a rare act of corporate responsibility. I'm waiting from them to say, "April Fools." Hey, you keep this up and I'll put one of your crowns on, Burger King. And, now it won't because it's three in the morning, you're the only place open and I'm high. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell says they're going to start being nicer to their rats.
New Rule: Put your shirt on! Posing with your shirt off on the cover of your hip-hop album doesn't say "gansta." It says, "I'll blow you for some crack."
And finally, New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs, because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was. Mad Cow.
No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her. Which, in the medical field, is known as the "Full Limbaugh."
They opened her up and a Walgreen's jumped out. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, sedatives, Valium, methadone. This woman was killed by her doctor, who is a glorified bartender. And I'm not going to say his name, but only because, a) I don't want to get sued, and b) my back is killing me.
When are we going to get it? That America's most dangerous drugs are the legal ones in our medicine cabinets, while some of the most benign ones are growing under a heat lamp in my dressing room. I joke! I joke, of course. But, 40% of the U.S. population has tried pot. That's 94 million Americans. Or, as I call them, "my base."
Now, this week, in The American Scientist - a magazine George Bush wouldn't read if he got food poisoning in Mexico and it was the only thing he could reach from the toilet --described a study done in England that measured the lethality of various drugs, and found tobacco and alcohol far worse than pot, LSD or Ecstasy, which pretty much mirrors my own experiments in this same area.
The Beatles took LSD and wrote "Sgt. Pepper." Anna Nicole Smith took legal drugs and couldn't remember the number for "911." That is a number.
In conclusion, I wish I had more time to go into the fact that the drug war has always been about keeping black men from voting by finding out what they're addicted to and making it illegal. It's a miracle our government hasn't outlawed fat, white women.