Thursday, April 26, 2007
Back with Avengenance
I have returned from my 9 month Hiatus, due to my military involvement to continue to explain and complain to the world, so for all those out there please remember, I still love ya. And now for my long missed, but so loved, New Rules.
New Rule: Members of Congress have to stop referring to the other party as their "friend from the other side of the aisle." Please, you're a Republican from Mississippi; he's Barney Frank. You two aren't friends. You're a reality show on Fox. In the future, just be a man about it and say, "I yield back my time to that little shit from North Carolina who won't shut up about Nancy Pelosi's plane."
New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not misspeaking. A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as "articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing "gotcha." Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old and out of touch says something creepy. Even a Chinaman knows that!
However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree. So what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway. There's only been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman.
So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he said a black man was "clean." And we care more about a one-second verbal brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.
Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out. He screamed louder than the crowd screaming at him. And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the "n" word at a ballgame.
John Kerry just botched a joke. But it was about the troops. [does falsetto gasp] So John Kerry, another guy who gets it about how to fight terrorism, he has to go away. Which I'm actually okay with, because watching him run again would be like watching Rex Grossman play another Super Bowl.
This is why I say every candidate must come out now and say or do the stupidest thing they possibly can, and get it out of the way! Hillary Clinton must mispronounce South Carolina, "Mouth Vagina." Barack Obama must tell people he's - quote - "bigger than Jesus."
Mitt Romney must pledge allegiance to the "fag." Rudy Giuliani has to declare at a press conference that he's cheating on his wife, but it's okay because he's undergoing cancer treatment and he can't get an erection anyway... Oh, he did? My bad.
So, does this mean that Joe Biden or Howard Dean should automatically be president? Of course not. But next time some real nasty shit happens to this country, remember, it might have something to do with our election process having turned into an episode of "Survivor."
Ranting, not good. Sorry, back to the rules.
All right, bloody New Rule: Blind people can't go hunting. To have to even say this. Texas just passed a bill permitting blind people to use laser sights so they can hunt with a friend who tells them where to aim. Why not just pick up the phone and pay some goombah to have a deer whacked? Or, better yet, just let the blind guy shoot your gun, and tell him, "Wow, you got one!" You know, there's a name for someone with no vision who fancies himself a hunter: Mitt Romney.
New Rule: Kenyans have to stop coming here to this country and winning our marathons. They're pouring over our borders and winning the marathons American runners could be winning. And I hope nobody does anything about it so we can all watch Bill O'Reilly get really mad and punch Geraldo in the face.
New Rule: You can't use sarcasm about people who think you're an idiot if you're an idiot. This week, Britney Spears went on a sarcastic screed about people who think she needs help. Then her dress fell off, she carved a swastika in her forehead and ran over her tits with a car. Which raises a question that's been bothering me for some time: can you un-masturbate to someone?
And, finally, New Rule: From now on, Earth Day really must be a year-round thing. And...and in honor of this Earth Day, starting Monday, supermarket clerks must stop putting the big bottle of detergent with the handle on it, in a plastic bag. I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but you see that handle you just lifted the detergent with? I could use that same handle to carry the detergent to my car.
And while we're at it, stop putting my liquor in a smaller paper sack before you put it in the big paper sack with my other stuff. What, are you afraid my groceries will think less of me if they see I've been drinking? Trust me, the broccoli doesn't care, and the condoms, they already know.
So, here's a quote from Albert Einstein. He said, if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination. No more plants. No more animals. No more man. Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing in massive numbers all around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist, and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants." No, they've tried.
For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called "colony collapse disorder," when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers. Like when a party winds down at Elton John's house. Queens imagery.
But, I think we are the ones suffering from colony collapse disorder. Because, although nobody really knows for sure what's killing the bees, it's not Al Qaeda, and it's not God doing some of his Old Testament shtick. And it's not Winnie the Pooh. It's us. It could be from pesticides or genetically-modified food or global warming, or the high fructose corn syrup we started to feed them.
Recently, it was discovered that bees won't fly near cell phones. The electromagnetic signals they emit might screw up the bees' navigation system, knocking them out of the sky. So, thanks, big mouth guy in line at Starbucks. You just killed us.
It's nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"
Last week, I asked, if it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat a$$ over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If it comes down to the cell phone versus the bee, will we choose to literally blather ourselves to death? Will we continue to tell ourselves that we don't have to solve environmental problems, we can just adapt? Build sea walls instead of stopping the ice caps from melting. Don't save the creatures of the earth in the oceans; just learn to eat the slime and the jellyfish that nothing can kill; like Chinese restaurants are already doing.
You know what? Maybe you don't need to talk on your cell phone all the time. Maybe you don't need a bag when you buy a keychain. Americans throw out 100 billion plastic bags a year, and they all take 1,000 years to decompose. Your children's children's children will never know you, but they'll know you once bought batteries at the 99-cents Store because the bag will still be caught in a tree. Except there won't be any trees.
Please educate someone about the birds and the bees. Because, without bees, humans become the canary in the coal mine. And we make bad canaries, because we're already such sheep.