Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Annoying practices that are sure to get you banned from your local K-Mart and Wal*Mart stores!
* "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray airfresheners.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't getout much,and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
* Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Play "Hide And Go Seek" and hide in the middle of the round racks.
* Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upsidedown.
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefieldwith G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
* Two words: "Marco Polo."
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOWLY, especially thin narrow aisles.
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,yelling, "Red Rover!"
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"