Friday, October 27, 2006
Howdy. My name's Flint, and it's a pleasure to meet you. Today is Friday.
You know what I realized? It's been literally forever-ago since I did a goofy "News Hour" post. So, as a special attraction for you, the reader, here it is! Straight from the pages of forever ago, here is...
FLINT: Good evening She-Hulk, and viewing audience. This is the news. My name is Flint, and I'll be your anchor today. On the month of October, everyone prepares for the fun and excitement that is Halloween. But, the problem is, Halloween has no figure to rally behind. Seriously, Christmas has Claus, Easter has a bunny. So today, I've gone down to the cemetary to speak with a local figure who wants to represent YOU on Halloween.
(It's the blackest night. Flint walks through the shambly cemetary, in search of a single headstone...)
FLINT: Sweet baby Jesus, is it creepy here. Good thing I brought my silver bullet, eh? Too bad I couldn't find the gun to go with it...
(Finally, Flint comes face to face with the grave marking he'd been looking for.)
FLINT: Ah, here we are. Okay, all I need to do is knock three times...
(Flint knocks three times on the headstone. From the ground, a hand pops out of the Earth. Slowly, a body rises from the cold ground.)
ZOMBIE: Hey, man. You're Flint, right?
FLINT: Yep. And I'm assuming you're Abe McCallister, professional Zombie.
ABE: You are correct sir. I'm currently throwing in my hat for official mascot of Halloween.
FLINT: Interesting. Tell us more.
ABE: Well, if I win, I promise more brains for the masses, less zombie deaths, and the freedom for zombies to vote.
FLINT: Alright. What gave you the idea to become the embodiment of Halloween?
ABE: Well, it happened a few months ago. There I was, eating the brains of the guy I strangled outside the bar, and it hit me. Nobody treats Halloween like a real holiday because nobody looks up to a figurehead to lead them. I think I would be doing a great service to Zombiekind if I were to win this.
FLINT: I see. Who else is competing for this position?
ABE: Oh, lots, guy. The Great Pumpkin is a perrenial threat. Definitely other zombies have different platforms. I hear Hitler is trying to mobilize a campaign. And finally, King Kong just announced his candidacy a few days ago.
FLINT: Wow, so this is getting pretty heated. Anything you'd like to add before we go?
ABE: Yes. Brains....Brains....!
FLINT: Hey, man, hey! Wait, I need those brains! Nooooo-
Hehe. There it is for you. News hour, direct to you at no charge.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to eat some brains. Delicious brains...