Monday, May 10, 2004
Who ya gonna call?
Good evening again, my friends, my cohorts, my conspirators! It's another friggin' Monday again. Yep, Sunday night has passed again. Where do they all go? Perhaps, to the next Sunday.
Okay, for this post, I decided to be serious. Very, very serious. Because the topic I speak of is not funny. It's happened to me once, and who knows, it might have happened to you. I wish I could erase these ugly memories out of my subconcious, but I can't.
I speak of Ghosts. Poltergeists. The restless spirits of the Dead, come back to make life harder for us living folk.
Yes, your old pal Flint has been haunted by a ghost. The site from which you read this is, in fact, haunted, by some bastard spectre, who refuses to leave, and wrecks the joint whenever I leave. Let me tell you, when a ghost decides to haunt something, he stays for the long haul. No amount of money, jewels, or fine liquor will sway him from painting the walls with blood, or hanging the family dog from his own intestines on the shower curtain. How do you get rid of him? Nothing from this world can hurt him! So, you call upon someone with experience in dealing with ghosts. You call...
...not really. You call the excorsist, dummy.
EXORSIST: Yo, what seems to be the problem?
FLINT: Save me! There's a ghost in my computer! Killitkillitkillit!
EXORSIST: Hold up, man. First, let me examine the computer.
FLINT: Shut up and KILL IT, you goon!
EXORSIST: (glares at Flint)
FLINT: ...Mr. Goon, sir?
EXORSIST: (messes around with Flint's computer)
FLINT: Hey, don't click on that file.
EXORSIST: Why, is that where the ghost is?
FLINT: NO! Just don't click on it!
EXORSIST: (clicks on the file anyway, then stares in disgusted awe) You're a sick man, Flint.
FLINT: Midget clown pornography is a way of life, I ain't proud of it.
EXORSIST: Look, just tell me where the ghost is, exactly.
FLINT: It's on my otaku page.
FLINT: No no no, O-TA-KU. It's Japanese. It's like saying "Fanboy".
EXORSIST: Oh, gawd, not another "japanime" dork. Why do you like that crap? The mouths just flap up and down!
FLINT: Well, it's-
EXORSIST: And all the women got huge boobs! And everyone flies around, yelling "Kamehameha"! It's stupid!
FLINT: No, you see-
EXORSIST: Why don't you check out something COOL from America, like Jughead comics?
EXORSIST: Yeah, Jughead! Y'know, from those "Archie" comics?
FLINT: ...They gave fucking JUGHEAD his own comic? How much crack did they have to smoke to come up with that idea?
EXORSIST: Well, it's better than your stupid "Dragon's Ball" or "Moon Sailors", or whatever you do!
FLINT: There's more to anime than Dragon Ball and Sailor Moon!
EXORSIST: Well, that's all I see, ya stupid "Otaku" freak!
FLINT: Well...who's cooler, Yoshihiro Tajiri or Super Crazy?
EXORSIST: Are you crazy? SC's got more talent in his pinky toe than Tajiri's got in his whole body!
FLINT: God, would you stop shitting for once! Tajiri's kicked Crazy's ass before, and he'll continue to kick his ass forevermore!
EXORSIST: Yeah right, you don't even know the depths of Crazy's-
(suddenly, the computer glows, and a voice emits from it.)
VOICE: FOOLS! Neither is worthy enough to be in the same ring as Keiji Muto!
EXORSIST: ...What the Hell?
FLINT: It's the ghost! Kill it!
VOICE: Hahaha, foolish humans! I cannot be defeated by the likes of you! My celestial being is FAR more powerful than your silly magics!
EXORSISTS: Oh, yeah? Then, how about THIS!
(the exorsist pulls out his ghost-cappin' glock, and fires a few rounds into the computer. The Computer blows up, and the ghost flies out, to reveal...)
JOCKO: God dammit, you ruined my revenge!
FLINT: God almighty, JOCKO? Didn't I kill you a few posts back?
JOCKO: Yes! It's called "Post Continuity"! Look it up sometime!
FLINT: Where will you go now, Jocko?
JOCKO: I'll probably go haunt your toilet or something.
FLINT: Even after death, your still a bastard. Hey, let's all sing a song!
EXORSIST: Hell no, I ain't singin'.
FLINT: Aw, come on! When it comes crashin' down, and it hurts inside! (Air guitars, while humming guitar riff)
JOCKO: Ya gotta take a stand, it don't help ta hide! (Air guitars, while humming guitar riff)
FLINT & JOCKO: IF YOU HURT MY FRIENDS, THEN YOU HURT MY PRIDE! I GOTTA BE A MAN! (Flint points at the exorsist)
EXORSIST: ...i can't let it slide.
Yep, that's just one of many horrifying ghost-a-riffic adventures your's truly has had in his 18 years of existence. Pretty wild, huh?
Okay, I'm gone. See ya next time.