Sunday, April 25, 2004
And Now, Fore Your Reading Pleasure...
Children of All Ages...
Proudly Brings to You....
(say this part out loud. I don't care where you are, just do it!)
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF TH' WOOOOOORRRRLLLD!
The Road Dogg, Flint Marco!
The Bad Ass Billy Gunn!
...And if you made it through that, then you have truly won my respect. It was either that, or one of those old Dudley Boys intros Joel Gertner used to do. Come to think of it, that would've been funnier.
Greetings and salutations, mine friends. It's your old running mate, Flint Marco! It is, again, Sunday night. Did I watch WWE Heat? Hells, no. I got better things to do. Am I going to watch Adult Swim tonight? They took off Home Movies, so no. Again, better things to do, like video games, and typing things for you, the reader to view.
Your probably wondering why the intro to this post is much longer than most. Well, let me tell you. My old buddy, Shadow Jaganshi (SJ to me), came up with what she called, "The Longest Post" award, which she promptly awarded herself. It was a pretty long post, too. I respect her for setting the bar so high. For tonight, I, the Great and Powerful Flint Marco, will attempt to beat SJ's record of 1,549 words in a single post! I'm a competitive guy, what do you want?
Okay, so, here I am, in the middle of an attempt to break the "Earth's Longest Post" record. What do I write? What could possibly be so long that I have to use more than 1,549 words to summarize it? How the hell should I know? There is one man, though, who could help me. One man, whom is my ultimate hero. One man, who the world looks up to as the ultimate god of cool.
His name is Jocko.
So, now, I'll make the lonely trip to Texas (where I'm already at, but that's beyond the point), and speak with Jocko, the only man who can help me out right now!
(HOUSTON, TEXAS: MIDNIGHT)
(Flint arrives outside the Jocko Estate)
FLINT: Sweet Jesus in a redwood canoe! This estate is HUGE! Not to mention made of solid gold and the bones of infants!
GUARD: (pushes Flint) Can I help youz?
FLINT: Golly, you're a big fella... Hey, pal, I gotta see Jocko. He's the only man who can help me beat SJ's "longest post" record.
GUARD: (looks Flint over) I don't know. He hates losers.
GUARD: (Grabs walkie-talkie, and speaks) Yo, Mr. Jocko, dere's some kid outside. Says he needs ya help.
GUARD: ...What's ya name, kid?
FLINT: It's Flint. Flint Marco.
GUARD: (Into walkie-talkie) Says his name's Flint. (pause.) Understood. (puts up walkie-talkie) He says youz can go in. Don't touch anything.
FLINT: Right. Thanks, man!
GUARD: Piss off.
(Flint walks into Jocko's grand estate. The walls are covered in platinum and gold. Jocko is sitting on his solid gold throne, surrounded by beautiful women.)
FLINT: Jocko, my man! Wuzzup, man, wuzzup?
JOCKO: ...What the fuck do you want, Flint?
FLINT: (looks around nervously) Hey, man, I need some help wit' a project I'm do-
JOCKO: Do you want something to drink?
FLINT: Sure, man, if you're offering...got any Minute Maid?
JOCKO: Minute Maid?! The "Great" Flint Marco, drinking juice substitute?
FLINT: I like Minute Maid...
JOCKO: Whatever. YURI!
(A geisha walks out from behind some curtains.)
YURI: Yes, Mr. Jocko?
JOCKO: Get Mr. Marco here a Minute Maid Orange Juice, and get me a glass of my finest red wine, post waste.
YURI: At once, sir.
(Yuri dissapears behind the curtains, and suddenly reappears with said beverages.)
YURI: Here you are, sir.
JOCKO: Thanks, doll. (Drinks wine) ...What did you want again, Flint?
FLINT: I need some help with this project I've been doing.
JOCKO: Which is...?
FLINT: See, there's this title of the "Longest Post" on myO, right? And I gotta write the longest post, so I can win the award, right? So, can you help me...?
JOCKO: ...myO? "Longest Post"? What are you babbling about?
FLINT: See, I thought-
JOCKO: You DO realize that you're mearly a figment of my imagination, right? An extention of myself, if you will.
FLINT: Yeah, I know, but-
JOCKO: So, WHY should I help someone who doesn't exist?
FLINT: Yeah, but-
JOCKO: WHY, FLINT?!
FLINT: Because... if you do, I'll give you my George Foreman grill?
FLINT: Yeah! (Breaks out a George Foreman grill, with burgers already sizzling inside.) See, how the grill seeps out all the fat?
JOCKO: I do, I do!
FLINT: It eliminates all the fat, and keeps in the delicious flavor!
JOCKO: I see, I see!
FLINT: So, it's a deal, then?
JOCKO: Come, Flint. We've a record to break!
(Later, at Flint's ratty apartment...)
JOCKO: Remind me again, Why I agreed to this, Flint.
FLINT: George Foreman Grill? Remember?
JOCKO: Does it cook eggs? 'Cause if I don't have an omlet in fifteen minute, I swear to GOD that I'll-
FLINT: Take a pill, Jock! We gotta focus on the post, man! The post!
JOCKO: ...Got any ideas?
FLINT: ...I got it! A fight post! Pitting Mike Tyson against Balrog from Street Fighter!
JOCKO: That's stupid. You're stupid.
FLINT: At least I'm trying!
JOCKO: Well, you suck at trying!
FLINT: Shaddap you face!
JOCKO: You shaddap you face!
(A fistfight breaks out between the two. After a few minutes, the two are on the ground, hurt and ashamed.)
FLINT: *Huff, puff*...Hey, J-Man. Truce?
JOCKO: ...*Weeze*...Go to Hell, Flint...*cough*
JOCKO: Furthermore, I fully intend on erasing you from my memory when I get home, that way, I'll never hear from your dumb ass again.
JOCKO: (Runs for the door) Goodbye, Flint Marco!
FLINT: NO! I can't die! Flint can't Die! (grabs Bowie Knife)
(Flint chases Jocko through the streets of Houston, hacking and slashing anything that got in his way, living or otherwise. Soon, the Houston Metro police get word.)
(Chief Gonzales gets word of the chase from Bob White, Mayor of Houston.)
GONZALES: WHERE'S COLLINS?! GET COLLINS IN HERE, NOW!
(Officer Collins walks into Chief Gonzales' office.)
COLLINS: What'cha need, Chief? Make it quick, I'm on my lunch break.
GONZALES: Lunch just called it a day, Collins. Ther's two psycopaths running wild about Houston, giving anyone in their path Open-Heart surgery! Either you get out there and STOP THEM, or I assign you to TRASH DUTY again!
COLLINS: Lemme get this strait, boss. You want me to off two losers, while my Tendercrisp gets cold?
GONZALES: We got a microwave in the break room, Collins.
COLLINS: Fine, I'll do it. (loads gun)
(It's now Five in the afternoon. Most of south Houston now lies in ruin. Jocko is still running, and Flint is still chasing.)
FLINT: Give it up, Jocko!
JOCKO: Not until I get home! Then you'll be gone forever!
(Collins jumps from a helicopter, and kicks Flint in the head, launching him in some nearby rubble.)
COLLINS: What's going on here?!
JOCKO: (points at Flint) He's trying to kill me, officer!
FLINT: Am not! He's got cooties!
JOCKO: Do not!
COLLINS: Shut up, the both of you! Why shouldn't I blast the both of you to Hell?!
JOCKO: Because I-
FLINT: (points at Jocko) IF YOU KILL HIM, I'LL DIE, TOO! TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE!
COLLINS: Thanks a lot!
(Collins fires a few shots at Jocko, piercing his chest. Jocko dramaically falls to the ground.)
JOCKO: ...We'll meet again...Flint Marco...
(Flint looks relieved at Jocko's lifeless corpse. He then looks up at Collins, and pretends to die.)
FLINT: I'm melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world! Meellltiiinnnng... (falls dramatically to the ground, twitching.)
COLLINS: (looks up to the sky) Well, two more bad man fall before me. God'll forgive me.
(Collins slowly walks among the rubble, back to the police station. After a few minutes, Flint gets back up.)
FLINT: Stupid pigs! Never trust a raving lunatic! (Runs into the sunset.)
Okay, that had to be, like a whole bunch of words. I don't feel like counting them, so if someone else would, I'd really apreciate it. please?
If you're still reading this, your either very brave, or very silly. Perhaps both. Anyway, that's all I got. See ya next time.