Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Why Molly is Sooooo Cool, by Flint Marco
Good evening, reader o' mine! It's Wednsday again! The most indifferent day on Earth. That's why they call it "Hump Day". If you haven't already noticed, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to make an immature "Hump Day" crack.
Last post, I asked YOU, the reader, what I should have posted last post, intending to use those ideas for this post. Here's what I got:
-Tell the world why Molly's the coolest, and why I'm the luckiest man on Earth for even knowing her.
-Tell Earth which kind of pets I have/would own, and which don't have a chance.
-Explaining something about pi.
If you didn't read the title of this post already, I decided on the first. I don't ever intend on having pets. Dogs and Cats are hamburger meat to me. And as much as I like pi (Heehee!), I hate numbers more, so that can't be done.
So, here we are at a crossroads. We already know that Molly's the coolest person on Earth. Einstein told us so. But, the question is 'Why is she so cool? How did she become so cool?' I did ASSLOADS of research on the subject. I looked up all of Molly's records. I dug around in her trashcan. I stalked her for six months, going so far as to pose as her mother once, just to talk to her about brownies or something. Here's what I've been able to come up with:
Molly was born in Shimubara, a small agricultural town in the heart of Kansas. Her parents were Todd and Kazumi Mulligan. Todd Mulligan was a simple farmer, who's specialty crop was soybean. But, he had a secret. He wasn't always "Todd Mulligan". Years ago, he went under a different name: Max Bonesaw, the bloodiest swordfighter in the United States. Some say he single-handedly won the Civil War for the Union. Anyway, getting back to Molly. Molly's coolness went untapped when she was born. She was so cool, that when a doctor tried to lift her up, she accidentally froze his arm.
Todd knew Molly was cool, but she needed to hone that raging coolness into a more refined "hip". The only way to do this, was through dicipline, learned through swordfighting. So, Todd grabbed his sword, dusty from years of wait. He forged Molly a tiny sword, made of forks and frog bones. The first thing Todd taught Molly was how to kill someone. He did this by beheading his own wife, right in front of Molly. Luckily, Molly's mom could regenerate lost parts. So, Todd and Molly stabbed mom for years.
At the age of Thirteen, Todd thought Molly was ready for the real world. He packed up all her belongings, and booted her out of his house, but not before handing her a neon green spandex suit and cape, with a letter "M" scrawled across the chest. Molly left Shimubara, and moved to the city of Tokugawa, a bustling metropolis in Kansas' upper East side.
Molly lived on the streets of Tokugawa for months, slowly amassing an army of less-cool thugs and psycopaths, who would gladly lay down their lives for someone so cool. She got a job as a pro wrestler, and pinned the likes of Andre the Giant, Hyabusa, and La Parka, all with little to no effort. The money was rolling in, but Molly felt her coolness was not being used to it's full effects with such non-cool peasants.
She met with the wrestling promoter, late one night in an alley.
"Molly! How's everything?", He said to her.
"Don't dick me around, bub. You told me my coolness would be tested to it's limits! Instead, you have me fake-beating up a seven-foot goof in a daiper!", she yelled.
"Molly, you don't understand-"
"No, YOU don't understand, man! I could crush you like a worm with my coolness if I wanted to!"
"So...you don't want to wrestle anymore?... Y'know, I run more than a wrestling promotion. I also do...odd jobs... for the mafia."
"Fool. If your asking me to be a hired gun, I decline."
"Nothing like that. There are some rather cool people out here. The mafia's kinda getting tired of their presence. We'd like it if you...sanctioned them."
Molly became an assassin for the mafia. Her coolness grew out of control. She grew a reputation in the underworld, and even a nickname: Blades Mulligan. Even the coolest man would fall before the might of her coolness.
Then one day, Molly walked into the mob office. The don threw a folder at her. She opened it up. There was a picture of a god-damn handsome man inside.
"Who's the stiff?", she asked.
"That man's the coolest guy we know. He's so cool, he's already taken over half of the western hemisphere, with collness alone. We need him dead, Molly.", the Don said.
"Done. He got a name?", Molly asked.
A week later, Molly arrived in Osaka, Japan. Rumor had it that this was Flint's base of opperations. She walked into the national building of Flint, and took an elevator all the way up to level 192. She then walked through the giant golden doors. Flint was inside, playing "Samurai Shodown", as he always did.
"Whoa! A Dame!", Flint exclaimed.
"You Flint?", Molly asked.
"Sure am, toots! What can I do ya fer?"
Molly drew her blades.
"The mafia told me to kill you, for being too cool. It is done.", Molly said.
"Well, you'll have a hard time killing a man...WHEN YOUR FULL O' BUCKSHOT!", Flint yelled.
Flint pulled out his Texas six-shooters, and fired like a madman. Molly deflected all the bullets with ease. She lept thirty feet into the air, then came down and kick Flint in the jaw. Flint hit the ground hard. Molly put the blade up to Flint's neck.
"OH GOD, SPARE ME! FOR THE LOVE OF TAFT, SPARE ME!", Flint yelled.
"Why?", Molly asked, sternly.
"Because...you're cooler than me...?"
There was a long silence. Fifteen minutes passed. Molly put up her blades. She quietly walked out of Flint's office, leaving him in a pool of urine, blood and tears.
There you go! Molly's cooler than me, and if I say otherwise, she'd kill me. What happened to Molly and her mafia connections? I don't know, why don't you ask her? Jesus, I'm not an encyclopedia.
Okay, I'm gone. See ya.