Sunday, October 16, 2005
Lifeplex: A Love Story
(The city of Kansas City is a cold, fearful place. Angry mobs of bikers and mutants wage war with each other and the surrounding populace around them. This is truly no man's land, and this is certainly no place for the hero of this story.)
(Young Flint is sitting in the locker room, awaiting his big match between the monster Brutus.)
Flint: Look, God? I know I don't pray to you often. I don't pray to you ever, really. But look, I've done some pretty nice things to people, and you owe me one. Don't let Brutus kill me tonight, or I'm telling everyone you don't exist!
(In walks The Raptor Mask, back from his match.)
RAPTOR MASK: Hey, there, Flint.
FLINT: Hey, Raptor. You see Brutus anywhere?
RAPTOR MASK: Nah. They haven't brought him from the assylum yet.
FLINT: ...Raptor Mask, is it true what they say about him?
RAPTOR MASK: About him murdering everyone he's ever been in the ring with? Yep.
FLINT: I... I need you to do something for me.
RAPTOR MASK: Shoot.
FLINT: I need you to give this watch to my son.
RAPTOR MASK: ...you don't have a son, Flint.
FLINT: ...then why did I have this watch up my ass for ten years?
RAPTOR MASK: I have better things to do than listen to a dead man. See ya!
FLINT: Raptor, wait...!
(The Raptor Mask briskly leaves the locker room, leaving Flint to wallow in his terror as he awaits the man-monster known as Brutus, legendary for killing every man unfortunate enough to face him.)
(Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a gigantic van pulls up, and a team of armored men run out from its doors.)
GUARD #2: Okay, this is the place.
GUARD #4: That wasn't your line. That was #1's line.
GUARD #2: What are you talking about?
GUARD #4: What need would there be for a "Guard #2" with o "Guard #1"?
GUARD #2: Well, where's #3, smart ass?
GUARD #4: Beats me. That guy's kind of a jerk anyway.
?: I agree.
GUARD #2: Who the-
(Both guard turn around to meet their fate: The monster Brutus had broken from his shakles, and now his fury is loosed upon them! Without hesitation, Brutus lobs off Guard #2's head with his mighty fist.)
GUARD #4: Y'know what rocks about being "Guard #4"? I ain't "Guard #2"!
(Brutus quickly drives his gigantic fist through the torso of Guard #4. As blood and sinew spewed throughout the parking lot, Brutus escaped into the deepest darkness, seeking his next prey: the man they call Flint!)
PROMOTOR: 'Ey Flint! Get out dere! Yer match begins in 2 seconds!
FLINT: Si, senior! Flint's onna case!
(Flint passes through the curtains. The arena is packed with bloodthirsty sociopaths, awaiting Flint's murder.)
ANNOUNCER: Now, entering the ring... From Bombay, India... weighing in at 287 pounds... the Terror from Texas, the Human Whilrwind of Violence... Flint Marco!
(The ovation for Flint is minimal at best. Flint enters the ring, and makes peace with the lord.)
(There is a shreik of terror from the left side of the building. Flint quickly looks. Half of the left side is destryed, and the fans who were not killed are now running for their lives. Brutus makes his way through the destruction, killing anyone and breaking anything in his path. Brutus enters the ring with a monstorous bound.)
BRUTUS: Time to DIE, FLINT MARCO!
FLINT: wai' wai' wait! Let's talk about this, man!
BRUTUS: No! I will kill you, and drink your blood from the base of your skull!
(Flint engages Brutus in battle. The fight wages on for hours, resulting mostly in the worst beating Flint has recieved in the history of ever. Finally, with a flying cross body from the middle rope, Flint pins Brutus, resulting in the biggest upset ever!)
FLINT: Yay! I'm alive! And I beat Brutus!
BRUTUS: Well, ya beat me, kid. Know what that means?
FLINT: We're best friends now?
BRUTUS: Nope. YOU DIE!
(Brutus punches a hole in the middle of Flint's chest. He then leaves the ring, embarassed beyond belief, whil Flint dies in horrible agony.)
How do you get the good end? Beats me. Collect 150 rings or something.
I gotta go now. See ya!