Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Good evening, lifeform. I am Flint, from the planet Mar-co. You will bow before me on this day, Tuesday. Bow lower!
Here at Flint's site, we're always trying to provide you, the valued reader, with suitable material to read. Unfortunately, the staff (consisting of one Flint and a team of chimps) are mostly illiterate, simple-minded clowns. No wonder I don't post too often.
I usually do a series of posts I call "News Hour", in which I "interview" "important" "people" using a series of "Sentences". But, dear reader, did you know that, like you, Flint got his start as an orphan living on the streets of London? It's true! Here's my news origin story, which I've dubbed:
NEWSIEZ: A SURVIVOR'S TALE
(The streets of London are made of two things: cold concrete and a colder populace. It is here we find our hero, FLINT, and his pal, NUMBERS.)
(Flint and Numbers are standing on a street corner. It is the dead of Midnight.)
FLINT: So, your saying that all I need to do to make a million dollars is catch Jack the Ripper in a rabbit snare?
NUMBERS: They're called "pounds" here, gov'ner, an' yea, 's all ya gotta do, mate. Now, git out there 'n get 'im.
FLINT: ...Jesus, you sure do butcher the language, don't you?
NUMBERS: Shet up, ye tosser! Jes' do as I tells ya!
(Numbers hand Flint the rabbit snare. Flint sets it up in front of a light post.)
FLINT: Okay, snare's set up. How the hell do we lure him into it?
NUMBERS: Easy! Me mum's a hoor! We'll get 'er tae stands in front o' the snare, an' when that Ripper bloke comes aroun', he's et!
FLINT: I admire your honesty, admiting your mother's a whore and all.
NUMBERS: Woman's gotta make a livin' don' she! New, wheit hea' while I fetch 'er! (Numbers runs off to his house to fetch his mom.)
FLINT: Is it me, or is his speech gradually getting worse?
(A moment later, Numbers returns, with his mother)
MOM: Ey now, wots all this, then? Numbers, ye mother's tryin' a' work! Wot's so important?
NUMBERS: Me 'n' Flint 're tryin' a' capture Jack th' Ripper so's we c'n collect his bounty!
MOM: You kids are bloody crazy! Jack th' Ripper? He'll bloody kill us!
FLINT: God in Heaven, will you please attempt normal speech!
NUMBERS: No time, Flint! Mum, will ye stand beside thet snare we set up?
MOM: Sure 'n I will, my son!
FLINT: "Sure 'n'" is an Irish phrase, not an English one! You guys are just trying to sound dumb now!
(Mom steps beside the rabbit snare, and begins to shake what her momma gave her. Numbers begins to cheer her on.)
FLINT: Man, will you stop peeping your own mom? You're giving me the creeps!
NUMBERS: We live in olde tyme London, mate! If the Plague don't kill us, King Aurthur will! Who bloody cares if I think me mum's hot?
FLINT: You sicken me.
NUMBERS: Who isn't?
(A shadow suddenly jumps from the rooftops. He lands right in front of Numbers's mom. The man is wearing a comically oversized brim hat and weilding a knife. Why, he's none other that Jack the Ripper!)
(Jack chops off mom's head in one quick blow. The head rolls backward, while the corpse slumps over. Jack then takes a step to the left, and is caught in the rabbit snare.)
JACK: 'Ey now, wot's all this then?!
NUMBERS: Hehehe! We got ye, Jack th' Ripper! Now, te call the royal knights, 'n collect our pay!
FLINT: Hold up, stupid. I need to interview this man.
NUMBERS: Wot you need to interview 'im for, Flint? You ain't a newsie!
FLINT: No, it's for my otaku site.
MOM: Numbers! Get me 'ead on me body, an' I mean now!
NUMBERS: Yes, mum!
-Let es fini-
That's how I got my news start. Pretty awesome, huh? I'm full of awesomeness, 'cause I'm Flint!
Otay, I'm gone. See ya!