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Tuesday, September 6, 2005

   Flint Marco: The Endtimes
Good day to you, good sir/madame, Welcome to the Red Lobster! My name is Flint, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Now, will you want a table or a booth?

Man, do I heart working on Labor Day. It seemed like the entire colective state of Texas stormed into the grocery store yesterday, and who was there to greet them but, your hero and mine, Flint Marco. People sure do buy lots of beer and fajitas on Labor day, I'll tell you that for nothing. Did I mention I love working on holidays?

I seriously don't have anything to write about today. Honestly. So, to make up for that fact, I'm going to spin you a tale. The story of when I went to an interview at a UPS warehouse. True story, too.

Okay, most of this story is bullshit, but I really got an interview with UPS that I totally botched, I swear. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...


The morning sun could barely be seen through the thick grey clouds of mid-February. An icy drizzle caked Flint's beer-colored Grand Am as he sped towards parts unknown, for a meeting he never wanted.

Flint fought his drowsiness with a mixture of cold air and blarring Marilyn Manson. He had a death grip on the steering wheel, driving like a madman down interstate 10. Through blurry vision and sleet, Flint saw the signs he'd been looking for: A big brown building, an army of brown trucks, and the sign he dreaded most:

United Parcel Service.

Flint parked in a packed lot. He wondered why the lot was so packed even though it was five in the morning. He soon got over it, and got out of the car. The weather was freezing for southeast Texas. The sleet felt like daggers against Flnt's freshly-shaven skull. He wished he would have brought a hat. Flint made his way through the enormous parking lot, which seemed to go on for miles. Soon, Flint got to the front gate. He saw a security guard, and decided to ask him some questions.

"Yo, cheif," Flint said, "I'm here for an interview. Where do I go?"

The guard slowly looked him over. He hesitated, then pulled out a radio. He said some things into it, then listened. He then looked at Flint.

"Wait here. There'll be others." He said.

Flint waited by a brick wall for three hours. The freezing cold wind slashed his face into frozen hamburger. Flint was soon joined by a man in his fifties, then by a man looking like he'd been living in a cave. Slowly, a group of malcontents, cutthroats and extras for a Mad Max film amassed beside him, waiting for their interview as well. Flint began to wonder if all this waiting was worth it.

Suddenly, the guard waved the group in. Flint led the mass of villiany into the imposing warehouse. The gates were lined with trucks, awaiting their pilots. Inside the warehouse, dozens of faceless drones threw around boxes and bags, never looking away from their work. The guard led them further and further into this den of despair. Flint's anxiety grew more and more as he witnessed horrors beyond his wildest nightmares. He saw what looked like a corpse hanging from the rafters. Bats as big as dogs flew around aimlessly. Ogres squashed helpless innocents and devoured their souls. Flint almost pissed himself.

The guard led them into a conference room. The group took seats where ever they could. The guard told them the boss would be with them in a moment.

Flint looked around the room. He hated what he saw. Still, he decided to make small talk.

"So, how's everyone?" He asked.

"Pretty good." A man looking exactly like Luigi of "Super Mario Bros." fame said.

The room suddenly turned to chaos. A man with a Road Warrior Hawk-style hairdo stabbed a smaller man in the corner. Another silenly robbed an older man, then slammed his skull into a water cooler. Men rioted and killed for no reason. Flint hid under a desk, terrified.

A giant man in a steel mask and cape burst into the room. Everyone froze. The man glared at all, with a look in his eyes that could freeze a grizzley bear. He threw out forms to everyone.

"Fill. Turn in. Leave." the man said.

The man left as quickly as he had come in. Flint quickly filled out his papers, and ran like a mad dog out to his car. He then drove at top speed from the UPS building, grateful his nightmare had finally ended. He didn't care that there was no interview, as was promised. He was just glad he escaped with his life and soul.


Well, a kinda true synopsis of something that happened last year. Fun, right?

See ya whenever.


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