Monday, June 28, 2004
Flame of the Conqueror
Ladies and Gentlemen! Please, turn your attention to the ring, for tonight's MAIN EVENT!
First, in the red corner...from Bombay, India... the homicidal, suicidal, genocidal whirlwind of destruction... SABU!!
His opponent, in the blue corner... from the great state of Texas... the greatest and best war machine Earth has to offer... this is FLINT MARCO!!!
Hello, and welcome, my friends! It's Monday. That means wrestling for me. Man, it seems like a year since I actually posted something that wasn't a survey.
I've been seriously bored this week. I mean, SERIOUSLY. I've been doing the dumbest things just to entertain myself. Stuff I'd never imagine doing. Stuff like poking bugs with sticks, or building pyramids out of blades of grass. In this boredom, I contemplated posting either one of the following:
1. Posting a wacky EWR senario, involving the myO crew.
2. Making another attempt at beating SJ's 1,549-word posting record (Thought I'd forgotten about that, didn't you?! HOOHAH!)
Yes, I was so fucking bored, I atcually thought of CREATING an EWR senario, using all of YOU. That would mean we'd finally see the long-awaited barbed-wire deathmatch between SG and myself, for the myO Heavyweight Championship of the Universe. Then, I thought about it, and figured it'd never work, for these reasons:
1. Not EVERYONE can be a main-eventer. A good promotion MUST have good jobbers.
2. Not everyone has EWR on their computer. (If you don't have EWR, then get it! It's free! Type in "EWR 4.2" in a search engine, and you're bound to come across it.)
So, there went that idea. That leaves only one more option. All of the words I just wrote count towards the record! Victory will be MINE this time, SJ!
In this record-breaking post, I'd thought I'd tell you a little bit about my formative years, in middle school. It would be more dramatic, however, if it were presented in the grand "Play Script" format, which I'm infamous for doing often. So, another short play for you! Fun with a purpose! This play is simply titled...
"SLUG LIFE AT THE DAWN OF A NEW MILLENIUM"
(The scene opens in a crowded school hallway. FLINT and NUMBERS are standing by their lockers.)
FLINT: All I'm telling you, is that when you play Power Stone, you fight cheap, and that's EXACTLY why you don't have friends.
NUMBERS: Dude, it ain't cheap to throw things! That's why they're there!
FLINT: You pick motherfucking GALUDA all the time! He's, like, crazy strong!
NUMBERS: Gunrock's stronger! Face it, you just suck at Power Stone! You say your the best with Wangtang, but you-
(SUZY walks past the boys. FLINT's attention is suddenly torn towards her.)
NUMBERS: ...what's your problem?
FLINT: Dude, that's the girl I love. Suzy. She's the prettiest girl in the whole middle school.
NUMBERS: Better looking than Sexy Pat?
FLINT Ten times better looking!
FLINT: Non! 'Tis the truth I speak!
(Silence ensues, as FLINT gawks at SUZY from afar.)
NUMBERS: ...Well, you gonna make a move?
FLINT: NO! I'm terrified of girls, and even more afraid of commitment! If I walked over there, I'd take the biggest piss I'd ever take, and vomit on anything that breaths!
NUMBERS: Just go! You got nothing to lose but your dignity!
FLINT: I don't have any dignity!
NUMBERS: That's the spirit! Now, get out there and mack, like you were the czar of Mackland!
FLINT: I'm gonna throw out lines like I was fishing for Moby Dick!
NUMBERS: Go! Go! GO!
(FLINT runs toward SUZY, as fast as his legs would take him.)
NUMBERS: ...stupid motherfucker.
(FLINT stops behins SUZY, as she's opening her locker.)
FLINT: Ummm... Hi!
FLINT: ...Do you like wrestling?
SUZY: ...are you talking to me?
SUZY: Have we met before?
FLINT: I've met you in my dreams.
SUZY: I mean, have we met in REAL LIFE?
SUZY: You're here to mack on me, right?
FLINT: How'd you know?
SUZY: Go ahead. I'll try and kill you quick.
FLINT: Umm... Did it hurt? When you-
SUZY: Heard it.
FLINT: Umm... Is that a mirror in your pants? 'Cause-
SUZY: "I can see myself in 'em." Try again, kid.
FLINT ...Wanna go halves on a bastard?
SUZY: Not now, not ever. Now get out of my line of vision.
FLINT: ...AAAAAGGHH! MY MIGHTY HEART HAS BROKEN!!
(FLINT falls to the ground, clutching his chest. He then proceeds to urinate and vomit at the same time, in full view of everyone.)
(The scene shifts to a laundrymat. FLINT is sitting on a bench, wearing an old "Hot Rod" wringer shirt. He's waiting for his clothes to dry. NUMBERS walks in.)
NUMBERS: Nice shirt, very 1980's.
FLINT: Rowdy Roddy Piper was recently fired by WWE, I have you know.
NUMBERS: How recently? Like, a year ago?
FLINT: Shut up, jackass. I told you this would happen.
NUMBERS: I knew it would happen, too. I just wanted to see it happen. HAHA!
FLINT: Yoooouuuu bastard!
NUMBERS: What're you gonna do about it, wussy man? HAHAHAH-
(A bullet flies through NUMBER's skull. He slumps over, dead. A man in a military uniform walks over to FLINT.)
MAN: Stand up, son!
(FLINT stands up.)
MAN: What's yer name, son?
FLINT: Flint Marco, sir!
MAN: My name's Cage, and I work for the United States of America Black-Ops unit.
CAGE: Yep, Black-Ops!
FLINT: What do you want with me?... I HAD NO PART IN IT, THAT MOONSHINE WAS JUST THERE!
CAGE: Easy, son! I'm here because your government needs you on the Black-Ops unit!
FLINT: But, I don't know crap about regular-ops, much less Black-Ops!
CAGE: Sorry, son. Nationwide raffle. The name that was drawn would join.
FLINT: What if I say "No"?
CAGE: Then I do this.
(CAGE pulls a blunt instrument from his side, and bludgeons FLINT with it, until he nearly passes out. Then, CAGE injects a sleeping serum into FLINT's body. FLINT passes out in minutes.)
(When FLINT awakens, he's covered in whelts, and aboard a helicopter, millions of miles above the Earth.)
FLINT: ...Why am I still alive?
CAGE: Shut up and listen, dummy. You're part of the Black-Ops squad, now.
FLINT: Nonononono. That ain't happenin'. I'm outta here.
CAGE: We're at least 35 million miles about Earth's surface. If you step foot outside this plane, your head would explode, you'd burst into flames, and your carcass would leave a crater about 1500-miles wide as it hit the ground. I advise you to STAY THE FUCK PUT.
CAGE: Flint, I'd like you to meet the other two members of our black-ops squad. This lady to my right is Stacy. She's from Canada.
FLINT: Why's there a Canadian in an American Black-Ops unit?
CAGE: 'Cause. We're America, we don't need a reason.
FLINT: That's kinda true.
CAGE: This big fella on the right is Galuda.
FLINT: Aw, man! You're Galuda, from Power Stone!
GALUDA: Yes. The very same, pale face.
CAGE: Galuda, Stacy, that man cowaring in his seat is Flint. He was the man the government drafted.
CAGE: Shut up. Now, let me breif you on this mission.
FLINT: Mission?! NOW?!
CAGE: Yes, mission NOW! Now, here's the briefing.
(CAGE turns on a projector, which stretches a popoure of colorful and violent images across the wall.)
CAGE: It's seems Genghis Khan and Adolf Hitler have escaped Hell, combining into one super-creature, calling itself "Genghis Hitler". He's currently building a giant robot, who's foot is so big, it could crush the Earth. He's currently holed-up at Booby-Trap Island. Our mission is to go there and kill him. Any questions?
FLINT: Yeah, why are we going to a place called BOOBY-TRAP ISLAND without some sort of trap-detecting devices?
CAGE: No budget for those.
FLINT: Why is there no budget for that kind of equipment?
CAGE: Spent it on booze and pornography.
CAGE: Okay, we're right above the island. Everyone, out of the chopper!
FLINT: Where's our parachutes?
CAGE: No budget for those.
(CAGE pushes everyone out of the helicopter. They all plummet to the island below, and hit the beach hard.)
CAGE: Is anyone dead?
STACY: Broken nose, but I'm fine.
FLINT: Let's never do that again.
GALUDA: Ow, my knee.
CAGE: Put him out of his misery, Flint.
FLINT: WHAT?! He can still walk!
GALUDA: I'm fine, sir.
CAGE: I'm offin' one of you before this is over, be sure of that. Now, let's go. His base is in the center of the island.
(CAGE leads the group through the thick forsets of the island, until they get to a fork in the road. A sign in the tip of the for reads "LEFT SIDE: DIRT ROAD. RIGHT SIDE: MINE FIELD.")
CAGE: Well, let's go right, then.
FLINT: Dude, there's a mine field on the right side! The left is a dirt road!
CAGE: The Left side is probably the side where they keep their dingos!
STACY: Actually, sir, I think the left side might actually be safer.
CAGE: Shut up, woman! We go left, or you all die here!
(CAGE pulls out a gun, and marches the group to the mine field.)
CAGE: Galuda, you're up. Mine sweep this bitch.
GALUDA: I have no knowledge when it comes to mine-sweeping.
CAGE: Just go!
GALUDA: Yes, sir.
(GALUDA walks onto the mine field. His legs are instanly blown off by two mine bombs. His body hits the ground, as he shrieks in pain.)
CAGE: Flint, grab his stumps. We'll let his corpse diffuse the bombs.
FLINT: Forget it. I'm not gonna kill Galuda.
CAGE: Stacy, grab his stumps.
(CAGE and STACY proceed to throw GALUDA's torso on the grounds of the mine field, forcing the bombs to go off. They all make it across the field in thrity minutes.)
CAGE: There, was that so hard?
FLINT: It was hard on my conscence.
CAGE: Shut up.
(A band of ninjas jump from the trees, and take STACY. They dissapear with her in seconds.)
FLINT: Holy shit! Where's Stacy?
CAGE: Who cares? C'mon!
(CAGE leads FLINT through the rest of the island. They eventually make it to the center of the island.)
CAGE: His lair should be in that cave.
FLINT: You mean, the cave with the bones strewn about, and the corpse hanging from a pole?
FLINT: Hey, that corpse looks familiar...
(FLINT examines the corpse on the pole. It's STACY. She's covered in cuts and blood, and her mouth, eyes and ears are stuffed with straw.)
FLINT: Dear god! What have they done to her?!
CAGE: Hey, that looks pretty cool. C'mon, his base is over here.
FLINT: Don't you even care that a member of your team is-
(STACY begins to cough. FLINT Looks up at her, terrified.)
CAGE: Put her out of her misery, Flint.
FLINT: ...I...I can't!
CAGE: Alright! Target practice!
(CAGE pulls out his gun, and fires on STACY. He wastes every bullet he's got shooting her.)
FLINT: You idiot! You used up all the bullets!
CAGE: So? We don't need 'em!
FLINT: What do we use to fight Hitler, then?
CAGE: The Force.
FLINT: ...the Force.
CAGE: Um, yeah. You heard of it?
FLINT: Let's just go. I hope there's enough of me for an open-casket funeral.
(CAGE and FLINT enter HITLER's lair. HITLER is sitting atop a mountain of bones.)
HITLER: Guten Tac, mine friends. You're just in time.
FLINT: In time for what?
HITLER: In time for your demise!
CAGE: HA! "In time for your demise"! Fuckin' classic, man, FUCK-IN-CLASSIC!
FLINT: We're here to stop you, you monster!
HITLER: Then, your efforts will be in vain! I will destory you both in one blow!
FLINT: Not if there's blood in these veins!
CAGE: Shut up, the both of you! You're goin' down, Hitler!
(CAGE runs at HITLER, and before HITLER has time to react, CAGE begins hacking and slashing him with a shiv. HITLER writhes in his own blood before keeling over.)
CAGE: Done and done.
FLINT: You're a sick man, Cage.
CAGE: Shut up.
(CAGE and FLINT walk across the beach of booby-trap island.)
FLINT: Hey, man, how do we get off of this island?
CAGE: Got me. I thought we'd have jet packs or something.
FLINT: Man, I don't know what I did to deserve this but-
(FLINT stands before what remains of the Statue of Liberty. There's rubbel from the statue littering the beach. FLINT falls to his knees.)
FLINT: YOU MANIACS! GOD DAMN YOU!! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
There, the first play I've done in a long-ass time. Did I beat SJ's record? Someone count up all these words, I'm too tired to do it.
I'm out of here. See ya!