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myOtaku.com: fading.dreams

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Sunday, June 7, 2015

the sad thing is i don't think i'll ever stop trying to make you mine.
& maybe that makes me a horrible person
but i think i may just be okay with that.

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Thursday, February 12, 2015

You left me. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I never thought you'd get sick of my shit. I never thought we'd be "that" couple. I thought we'd make it. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I broke us because I couldn't trust you. Because you shouldn't have trusted me. I'm not a good person. Now I'm left to suffer the consequences of being so selfish. Karma has come around for once.
I don't know anymore guys. I know none of you are here anymore but I don't know how much more of this life I can take.
disappointment after disappointment. I'm starting to think that the world is out to get me.
i'm starting to think that it should have been me hanging from that beam.
i have no direction and I don't think I'm getting anywhere any time soon.

I'm tired of giving so much to be fucked over in the end.
maybe I want to hurt you. I want you to realize how miserable you've made me. How much you hurt me. How much my heart aches every night that I have to lie in this bed without you. How little closure you gave me.
It's not that I don't want to try. I want to get better, I want to move on. I want to get over you and be completely happy with my self and my life so I can rub it in your face.
I can't though. Not yet, and I don't know if ever.
I don't know how people can move on after heartbreak. I gave everything to you. There won't be another person in this world for me because I gave it all to you and you threw it away.

You threw it all away and stepped on my heart like it never meant anything to you. It fucking hurts that you can just stop loving me and I can sit here with a pain in my chest that feels like you took all the life from me. You robbed me of the innocence that five years had given me. I never thought you'd leave.

but you did; and now i'm here picking up the pieces and walking towards disaster.

but as long as you're happy.

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Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sometimes you think you're in-between being okay and wondering if you can make it through another day because everything starts normal, and everything is set aside but meanwhile in the back of everything you know that things aren't okay, and no matter how many people or times you try to reassure your self or anyone else that things will be ok and that things can't stay this way forever you know that there is only one solution to this problem and I don't think it's coming anytime soon. Not unless its genetic, through family ties. It's like osmosis, if you feel enough depression in your family roots it sinks in like a parasite and it just won't let you go until you either remove the bug or you let it infect you. I'm not young anymore but I know that I'm too young to be feeling this way. To feel like things are spiraling around me into only one inevitable demise and I can't stand the thought. I keep telling myself that I can deal with it- that I can make this work. I can make changes. I'm just terrified of every weekend because I know thats when things are on edge. When everyones on edge. I need another job. I need more income. I need a different life. One that doesn't keep me so anxious. I just want to go back to when things were normal. Or at least back to the point where I didn't know what it was like to be well off. Because now I just know that i've been spoiled; I've been ruined. Everything I do from this point out is now a reflection of the person that I am and the person that I don't really feel like being but I have no choice. This is the bed I have made and the one that I have no other choice but to lie in because as much as escaping seems like a dream I know that that is all that it ever will be. There is no way out of this tunnel. This is a dead end story and I don't know if I want to see it through to the end.
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Thursday, March 27, 2014

I had a dream about you the other day.
Maybe I miss you.
I think I miss the attention you gave me.
I don't know if i even believe that you ever loved me.
how could you when everything we had was built on lies?
I don't know what i believe anymore.
Everything in this life has changed so much in the past 7 years.
how did that much time pass by so quickly?
how many years has it been since we've talked?
A year I think but it feels like its been forever.
Maybe someday i'll move on.

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Just when I think I have a chance of getting over you
you pull me back in with your clever wit that you save up to use at just the right moment.
It's not fair.
I always fall the hardest and get dragged along like a loyal dog on a chain.
I should be careful the way I use the word loyal. --
This line that we dance around is constantly changing shape and I can't keep up with all your damn rules.
look at me stealing lines from the songs that you swear aren't about me.
You promised me we'd see each other again, and i intend to keep that promise for you.
i'll drive to you every summer if I have to.
If only for the chance that some day you may realize...

who am i kidding.

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Saturday, November 16, 2013

I miss you.
Even though I know it's the lies that I miss
somehow I still miss you.

maybe you're still around.
maybe you're not.
either way I want you to know that I'm sorry.
I don't quite know what i'm sorry for.
but I am.
and if I we had to do it all over again,
I don't know if I'd change a thing.
maybe if we had an honest relationship things would have been different.
maybe if I hadn't known you were lying from the start...
maybe we could have been something.
something more.
we could have had something, but we both screwed it up.
and now I lost something that was built on a tower of lies
but still something that meant something to me.

I don't know why, but I fell for you even though I knew none of it was true.
If only I could have been a fool through it all, maybe things would have ended differently.
maybe if i were a fool, this life wouldn't be so hard.

but i'm not a fool.
not anymore.


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Saturday, January 5, 2013

All my life I've been standing on the ledge, just far enough away from the edge.
But I've been pushed so many times in my life, by death, heart ache, self hatred, losing friends, being diagnosed.
How close to the edge can I be before I fall?

I guess the better question is how long until I just finally take the jump?

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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

This is pretty late, but Merry Christmas to all of you. Well, the ones who are still here anyways.

I haven't felt much like coming on here lately, I'm angry, and I'm confused but mostly I've been masking that with happiness! It's been working too. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be home with my family, but once i'm alone by myself I just feel... dead inside. I don't really know why anymore, especially because I've known this whole time.. but yeah.. I'll get over it eventually.

I'm glad that school is done with, I only got finished with finals on Saturday, but I'm glad it's over with. I got all A's this semester except for one B+ that will haunt me for the rest of my life... Goddamn you Philosophy.. Whatever. Next semester may as well be the death of me as well. We'll see.

Jordan and my anniversary is today (if this posts on the 26th). We're probably not going to do much. I'll take her out to eat this weekend. Perhaps the new Hibachi grill we have in the cities, or perhaps the Outback Steakhouse since she keeps hinting at wanting to go there.. Hmn.

I kind of just want to sleep forever, and stop being so angry at myself and everyone else around me.

I hope you're all doing alright, and had a great Christmas. I love you all!


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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

It's sooo cold! I think a lost a finger or two walking to and from class D: I like the cold, but I don't really like it /this/ cold. Doesn't help that I don't really have a winter jacket xD I just wear a hoodie to keep me warm but I need to buy some new gloves for this Winter or else I really may loose a finger or two haha. At least if it would snow here it wouldn't be so depressing that it's so cold, but no it hasn't snowed besides the one time it barely did a couple weeks ago. It better snow for Christmas or I'll be upset since it didn't last year D:

I /really/ need to finish my papers tonight since they're both due tomorrow... I just really don't want to do my art paper.. It's so dull DX I don't really want to do anything! I'm sick of school and I wish that it was over already! I don't know if I can make it another three weeks without saying "fuck this!" or dying from the stress of all of this stuff that is due in two or three weeks D: Plus I have another project in my art class to do with my group who are the worst group of people ever so I'm really not looking forward to that.... Ah well, it'll be worth it I suppose once this semester is finally over. It feels like it's dragging on.

I realized I hadn't eaten anything today so I went to microwave some leftover shrimp we have from last night and my shrimp exploded in the microwave!!! DD: It was kind of funny, but now I have to clean the microwave. We need to go shopping >_> There's hardly any food in this house!

Argh.. back to work...!



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Sunday, November 25, 2012

It's been quite the weekend around here.. On Friday we went shopping, and not even early in the morning but it was still really crowded in all of the stores, but it was fun. Target probably would have been the best store to have gone too to get deals early in the morning because they were selling a lot of DVD's and series for really cheap. I ended up getting season 1 of Adventure Time there, and the Avengers since I've been waiting for it to go down in price before I buy it. Oh, I also got to see the new Wii U for the first time, and holy shit that thing is huge! When I saw commercials for it I thought it was a good size, if not a little small but the thing is huge! I'm not really a big fan of the wii, but I like the idea of the wii u since it can be a hand held or used as a remote on the tv. Doesn't matter though because I doubt that I'll get it, and my sister isn't really into video games as much as she used to be.

Last night I went to a surprise party for Jordan's mom which was okay. It was actually pretty fun, after I'd had a few drinks haha. I ended up playing pool with Jordan's younger brother as my partner. He's only 9 but he's actually really good at pool and I'm kind of average when it comes down to it but we still ended up beating everyone we played against. There was free food, beer, and cake so I guess it was worth it for being their for 6 hours. There was also karaoke, which for some reason my mom always insists on doing when she's drunk so yeah, I had to live through that embarrassment. My sister, Jordan, her brothers and I all ended up playing spoons for a majority of the night which was CRAZY. That game is horrible! I had never played it before and there was people bleeding from getting attacked by the spoons/other people and people were rolling around on the floor trying to get a spoon. It was ridiculous. Then we played the card game bullshit, which is always fun because I usually end up winning haha. Yeah, it was fun until I had to drive home since I was the most sober out of my mom and me. I hate driving my moms truck because it's not what I'm used to driving, but we didn't die so I guess that's always a plus.

My mom seems to have a hangover, but I think that we're going to see the last twilight movie today... Since my mum and sister really want to see it. I personally would rather go see Wreck it Ralph or the Guardians movie but we'll see what happens. All I know is I'm starving, time to go find some food.. xD



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