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Monday, December 15, 2008

   Warning: This Post Contains Jokes That May Or May No Offend You. If You Have No Sense Of Humour, Then Fuck Off!
"You'd best put seatbelts on your ears, because I'm going to take them for the ride of their lives!"
The IT Crowd

George Bush

He's a twat isn't he? He went to Iraq to say "good bye" to them...
Why the fuck would he want to do that?! He sent a HUUUUGE army into their country, stole their Hitler, killed him, and has strategically placed his random amry men with guns around their cities.
Or maybe... Not so strategically.
Because half of them got killed.
By bombs and stuff.
And then he got shoes thrown at him, didn't he, at the press meeting?! Honestly, all those flashing lights from the cameras... I thought he was being blown up.
But sadly not.
Back to the shoe thing... The one thing I did like, is when he joked, "if anyone wants to know the details - it was a size 10 shoe he threw".
And only one person laughed.
And that was probably his PA.
Because, if you remember, he was in Iraq. Doing a press conference - with lots of Iraqis. Clearly, they weren't going to find it funny.
Also, why did the man only throw a size 10 shoe? Was the other a size 8? Did he have two different sized feet?
We just don't know...

The Big Red Button

Y'know the one. The one the president can press to make the whole world go *BOOM*?
I'd like to press it.
For fun.
Is it really red? I mean, how can we know it's red? Who says it's red? Is it in the Whitehouse? Can I infiltrate the Whitehouse and press the *BOOM* button?
I want to see who'd blow up first.
It might be us Brits. But then, it might be America. The president might want to get rid of himself first.
I wouldn't blame him, either. Especially if it's Bush.
But maybe it'd be Iraq and all those sort of countries who's go *BOOM* first? Or maybe Asia?!
I think I think about these things too much... But aren't you curious who'd go *BOOM* first? It'd be announced on TV:
"And Australia have gone *BOOM*, oh, and look! There goes Russia, too! Get in there!"

Shoe Shops

Unless you've got two left feet, you're fucked if you want to rob the shoes from outside.
Haven't you ever noticed, they always put left shoes outside the shops?
Those shoe shop workers think of everything...

The Macerena

Why did two crazy possibly Spanish blokes decide this was a good idea?!
They create a song, create a dance, wobble about a bit in the video for it...
... And somehow, it becomes a fucking global party song.
Honestly, you can't go to a single party without it being played.


I think we should all just walk around naked.
Yes, even in Winter.
Because really, we're all naked under our clothes.
And I think the only reason we don't like to get naked is because of various body parts.
Legs - fat and have stretch marks.
Pubes - bushy. They're not technically a body part, but, eh...
PENISES! - too small
boooobs - sagging
And you'll more than likely get laughed at. I couldn't stand that. Getting laughed at for my saggy boobs by a man with a too-small penis and a bush of pubes to rival the Amazon forest.

Bon Jovi


Sex Toys In The Old Days

And I mean, old old days. I mean Jesus time. If Jesus existed. Which I'm not so sure he did, but that's another joke.
They didn't have blue rubber dicks for everyone, did they? So what did they use?

Jesus, God, The Virgin Mary and Joseph

I doubt very much that Mary was a virgin. SHE WAS MARRIED TO JOSEPH FOR GOD'S SAKE (pun actually not intended). And let's think about it, which couple doesn't like to have hot sexytime?
As for God sending down an Angel named Gabriel (and WHY was he wearing a dress?! Didn't it state in the Bible "thou shall not cross-dress"?) to tell Mary "oh, by the way, you're going to be pregnant, in about... Ohh, 2 minutes and 34 seconds, after we've had a nice chat".
If God is bodiless, then how did he manage to get Mary pregnant? I'm pretty sure that there has to be some poking lovesticks in loveholes to make babies...
And as for Jesus... Maybe he did exist. And maybe he did have holy hands. But how did he keep that beard trimmed so well?!


I'm pretty sure that the teapots are warm enough already. There's no point putting a hat over them to keep them warmer.
And if anyone says "it's to keep the tea warm"... That is a complete lie. The tea still goes cold.
I am talking from experience.


The best thing since they started filming gay sex.
Oh, wait...


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