Saturday, February 4, 2006

A Long Time Gone

'Allo, ol' friends. 'Tis I, once more, with me babblin's an' carryin's on. I've been in a bit o' a state recently, an' 'ave very li'l to write about, as I rarely feel the need to share me miseries with the lot o' ye. Me sis 'ad 'er bairne--a lovely wee gadge by the name o' Iris. Sweet as kin be. The father be a proud man who does no' like to be out o' 'is daughter's sight, which makes me happy to see, as there seems a lack o' those kind o' fathers in the world these days. As fir mesel', I 'ave no' been up to much outside o' writin' to mesel' an' playin' music by mesel'...tryin' to sort through the dingy clouds o' me mind an' discover some semblance o' clarity in what I am meant to be doin'...an' the wheres and hows that come with it. I suppose that angst would be a good word fir it, as I am at a point in which I feel entirely lost an' without any sort o' real focus. I question every thought I 'ave an' seem to be losin' me grip on reality. It does no' help that whene'er I find a plan amongst the fogs in my mind, there's always someone there to point out 'ow bloody ludicrous it is an' swipe me feet out from under me till I feel mad as a hatter. I sincerely lack self-confidence these days, an' am 'avin' quite a lot o' trouble findin' any other sources fir it. When ye run out o' confidence, an' kin no' find a way to build it back up, everythin' gets thrown off-kilter an' the obstacles seem so much larger than they really be. Ominous, even. So these be the things me mind is dwellin' on lately--lookin' fir anythin' that makes me feel...anythin' but worthless, really, an' lookin' fir a way out o' the rut I've found mesel' in. Clarity an' a plan an' the confidence to follow that plan through to the end... these be the things I am searchin' fir...an' the things that elude me, to the point o' despair. *sighs* That's it fir now, mates. I hope ye all be doin' better than I these days. Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Monday, November 28, 2005

I screwed Jick's mum

Me city is glazed with black ice...the trees glistenin' like fireflies as the mornin' is born on the horizon... lightin' up their icy branches... Apparently, I 'ave awakened into Narnia. Aye, well, I suppose I kin no' call it awakenin', as I 'ave no' really slept. Tis surreal to be enveloped in such strange beauty as yir eyes adjust to yir surroundin's... when yir mind is slow an' no' quite graspin' reality in the first place... Me sis shall be 'avin' 'er wee bairne soon... a subject that leaves me with all the expected warm fuzzy feelin's... an' some serious apprehension as far as family dynamics be concerned. As most o' ye know, it kin be horrid round here at any given moment... the psyche is ne'er safe from insult an' injury... an' it 'as only worsened o'er the last several months. I fear that the wee child shall add stress an' hardships to an already difficult circumstance. This is no' to say that I'm no' intensely excited fir the babe's arrival. On the contrary, I kin no' wait to be auntied again (aye, I just verbed the word "auntie"). I entirely expect mesel' to git all weepy an' stupid o'er it an' vie fir the babe's attention an' affections, as I've done with me other niece. ^_^ In other news, howe'er, we're supposed to be gittin' near 16 inches o' snowfall today an' tonight, makin' this a treacherous region to be in...we may lose power an' the ability to leave our homes... *shrugs* That's what happens when ye live in a frozen bloody wasteland... I kin no' wait to git the hell out o' this place... Well, that'll be all fir now, me hearties. Fair sailin' to the lot o' ye! Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

Me strange little soap operas

Me life 'as 'ad so many strange turns an' ups an' downs lately that I 'ave no idea where to begin... so if this be a ramblin' post, that be the reason fir it... First off, it was rather nice to see some o' ye in the chatroom the other night. It was like a wee family reunion, even though I could no' help meself bein' a twat...haha. Thankfully, most o' ye 'ave a sense o' humour. ^_^ I 'ave corrupted Doc into joinin' the Kingdom o' Loathin'...an' 'e's got Rifles At Recess to join the fun... An' regardin' that, I 'ave been doin' a bit o' radio stuff with me step-sis...quite fun, an' slightly embarrasin', as I kin no' stand the sound o' me own voice, an' I imagine that other people feel the same way 'bout it, really. I'm no' sure... but Doc is the first Otaku member to e'er hear me voice, so ask 'im if ye be curious... In other news, I'm insanely jealous o' me bro...as 'e is returnin' to school this Spring, an' I kin no'...but I'm happy fir 'im, as well, so it balances out in some way... As fir me own plans fir Spring, travel to the UK is bein' discussed with me step-sis... though still in the infant stages o' plannin'. In the few minor discussions round the idea, it looks as though 'twould be at the end o' Spring or early summer. Let's see...what else... Right-o...the soap opera...well, now that I think 'o how I'd go 'bout explainin' that whole situation, the more I do no' feel like doin' so... so I'll jus' summarise it by sayin' that there's a boy who likes a girl and an' a girl who likes a boy an' they both like me...an' I'm usin' the word "like" in quite an understatin' way. I like both o' 'em, but no' really the way they like me... Good summary? Aye, says me... Stupid soap opera nonsense full o' cooties an' other such horrible shite. I kin no' really think at the moment...so...I'm done fir the moment. Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Thursday, November 3, 2005

Aye, I'm still alive...

Seems like an eternity since I 'ave been by here... so I figured I 'ad better anchor mesel' here long enough to post a bit. The main reason I 'ave no' been postin' is that I 'ave no 'ad anythin' to say that 'as no' already been said. Here in Northern MN, time stands still, few things changin' but the seasons... an' I get tired o' postin' bout what pole me emotions 'ave swung to o'er the last few days. Me secondary reason is the 'orrible addiction to another community online....aye, I'm a whore, I know, but I 'ad to get away from the world o' theO fir a bit, as I kin handle only so much o' the OB mentality. I mean no offence, o' course, but the level o' self-importance round here is drainin', to say the least. So I 'ad to get away from those who take themselves WAY too seriously an' find a place where I could relax a bit more easily. So... that's where I 'ave been, fir the most part, if any o' ye were wonderin'... though I know, o' all o' ye, Doc knew where I was all this time... In relation to the other community that I 'ave been spendin' the majority o' me online time at, me sis an' I shall be organising a meet/gatherin'/get-together thingie sometime in the near future, so I shall be busy with that as well, an' possibly a bit o' radio business...though I'm no' sure how that's goin' to go, so far. Anyhow, yeh...that's me updats-lol. I know, I suck, an' I apologise profusely... Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Monday, October 3, 2005

Uh...

Comments on Commentary: elf hawk-- Actually, I 'ave no intention o' neglectin' the lad, seein' as 'e's one o' me best mates, an' I was postin' because I was feelin' like a jackass fir neglectin' 'im in the past. Also, there's no need to tell 'im anythin' such as "I like ye as a friend" an' decidedly no' anythin' along the lines o' "tis no' ye, but me"... To clarify a bit, Caio an' I 'ave always 'ad feelin's fir one another, but circumstance an' other shite 'as always deterred one or both o' us from persuin' anythin' beyond our friendship. We 'ave just grown up a bit--an' instead o' tryin' to hide our feelin's from one another, we kin now be blunt... In other news, I was sent a manuscript, in hopes that I would create the illustrations that would turn it into a graphic novel... but I 'ave no' even begun to read the damned thing because I 'ave been so busy with other shite... An' I'm supposed to be modellin' fir a character design... a "heartless assassin" is bein' designed after me (fir a sci-fi graphic novel)... go figure... Anyhow, I 'ave a number o' things I need to to today, so that's all fir this post. Fair winds an' smooth sailin' to the lot o' ye! Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Sunday, October 2, 2005

People are strange...

Right-O...I'm still inebriated from last night, so if me post fails to be sensical, it's the whiskey... jus' thought I'd forewarn ye all... Anyhow, I went to the CD-release party o' me friends' band last night, an' I must say that I 'ad a wonderful time seein' everyone again (the band lives in Mpls, an' I 'ad no' seen them play since I lived there last year)...but weirdness ensued... centered round me mate, Caio (the one I posted a pic o'...a few posts back). Fir starters, Caio told me how 'e was so upset with 'is friend, Jeremy, that 'e could no' even look at 'im anymore, because Jeremy was tellin' everyone that 'e 'ad 'ad sex with me. Caio said 'e was sick with jealousy an' heartbroken... So--I 'ad to set the record straight--that I 'ad no' even come close to touchin' Jeremy, much less 'avin' sex with 'im... an' I'm sure the look o' disgust on me face was strong enough to prove me point. Luckily, Caio an' I 'ave been friends fir so long that 'e did no' hesitate to believe me, anyhow. 'E was wholly relieved to hear me say that nothin' 'ad ever happened between Jeremy an' I... Which brings up the second weirdness... Caio made sure to be absolutely clear that 'e 'as 'ad feelin's fir me since the day we met... which was when I went to 'is da's house to 'ave a sleep-over with 'is step-sister... when we were all li'l kids... bout 14 years ago. 'E said "Do ye remember dancin' with me when me da was teachin' all you girls how to dance? I 'ave wanted ye since that day." Then, 'e went on to ask me if I was truly 'is friend, an' whether I 'ad considered 'im a friend fir all these years, since I ne'er called 'im, an' ne'er made much o' an effort to hang out, etc... basically bitchin' me out fir neglectin' 'im o'er the last several years... which I am entirely guilty o' doin', I must admit... though I'm no' really sure why I 'ave done that... especially because Caio 'as always been good to me, an' 'as always been there to protect me from people who 'ad a mind to harm me. An', after all these odd conversations with 'im, I was feelin' pretty badly fir the way I've treated 'im...an' fir the way I 'ave neglected 'im as a friend...yet 'e apologised to me fir bringin' it up, an' told me that 'e was always afraid to try to be with me, because 'e ne'er wanted to know fir sure that 'e was no' good enough fir me... an' then 'e apologised fir sayin' that, too... SO-- now I 'ave this wee dilemma. Now I feel badly fir ne'er callin' 'im, even though 'is number 'as been on my fridge since 'e got back into town from Colorado...in plain view... But now...if I call 'im, it feels like it 'as to mean so much more than just mates hangin' out. ... But I 'ave to call 'im, after spendin' a whole night listenin' to 'im pour out thoughts an' feelin's long silenced... an' knowin', all this time, that I was bein' an asshole o' a friend to someone that truly deserves me respect an' friendship... Damnit--what the fuck is wrong with me head? Why am I so mean to people that do no' deserve it? *sigh*... Alright, well, I jus' needed to vent a bit bout that, cuz I'm feelin' pretty shitty bout the whole thing... but in the process o' typin' this, me drunkeness 'as worn off into hangover... an' me head is now poundin'... so I 'ave to go fir a bit... Yir stumblin' cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Friday, September 30, 2005

HAPPY DAY!!!

I am so relieved an' happy as hell today. Me matey, Eric, 'as been located! 'E escaped New Orleans via a stolen car, apparently, an' is now safely in Colorado. I kin finally breathe a sigh o' relief on that whole ordeal, but I am pissed that 'e's taken so long to contact anyone to let us all know 'e was safe. In MORE good news, although me ex-gf is in Balad, Iraq, 'er base was no' hit durin' the attacks last night, an' she is safe an' well. I learned of both their well-bein's today, so I am in an amazin'ly good mood right now. In fact, I am supposed to be workin' on a litany of things at the moment, but 'ad to jump online to shout out the good news, as the uncertainty fir me mates was weighin' on me heart an' mind much more than I kin express. I am no' supposed to be online right now, though, so I apologise fir the short post--I just 'ad to let everyone in on me good tidin's. Take care, me hearties! Yir Cap'n ~elfie~

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Such an horrendous lack o' focus

There 'as been so much on me mind an' in me heart lately, that I 'ave been quite unable to sort through it... I kin no' seem to focus on anythin' whatsoe'er, an' tis difinitively frustratin'. Ye are probably tired o' me talkin' 'bout me matey from New Orleans, but still, there 'as been no word o' 'im...nor from any o' 'is flatmates... despite me own searches an' searches other people 'ave made in an attempt to locate them. I 'ave registered 'im as a missin' person with as many agencies as I could, on top o' tryin' to reach everyone 'e knows, an' utilisin' more direct approaches to contact 'im, such as sendin' 'im e-mail, beggin' 'im to contact someone to let us all know that they be safe. 'E 'is constantly on me mind, an' I 'ave, unfortunately, begun to prepare mesel' fir news o' the worst. I say "unfortunately" because, up until the last few days, I 'ave done well with keepin' hope alive fir their safety, an' 'ad no' begun to think that the possibility that they did no' make it is there. This is one thing that 'as filled me mind an' me heart as o' late. Another is that me relationships with everyone (with the exclusion o' me step-sis an' Joel) 'ave disintegrated into either conflict or nothingness~ fir reasons I kin no' figure, other than that people seem to be afraid to approach me an' simply ask me 'bout what's in me head an' heart, an' would rather make assumptions based on... well, I suppose they base 'em on the way that other people relate an' behave... which is, in all reality, 'bout the worst way to go 'bout tryin' to understand me, as I am no' like other people in the way that I think, communicate, relate, an' behave. Unfortunately, I am quite anomalous in me expressions an' me interactions with people. All too often, it gives people the wrong impression o' me, an' it seems that no one 'as a good grasp on who I am as a person, as they be constantly surprised by me attitudes an' behaviors... an' always bitchin' 'bout what an unpredictable person I be... At any rate, I feel incredibly socially isolated lately, an' 'ave been tryin' to take steps to connect with more people...an' to make previous connexions stronger. Trouble is...there's a lack o' people I see as worthwhile to connect with round these parts. No' to say that they be inferior... jus' that I kin no' relate to the things that be important to 'em... an' they kin no' relate to me own priorities, either. Common interests an' priorities is missin' with most people I meet. Me mind is full up with philosophical an' spiritual questions, as well as social, psychological, an' emotional questions and theories. No' that this is an unusual state o' bein' fir me, but it seems to be overwhelmin'ly & intrinsicly intense lately... almost to the point o' bein' unbearable... Which is another issue--the obsessive thinkin' patterns--no' bein' able to control me racin' thoughts.. because they all come at once, an' I want to submerge mesel' in thinkin' bout all o' them--an' I kin only focus on so much at a time, so they rotate through me head at break-neck speed an' I end up no' bein' able to focus on anythin' fir very long before a new thought comes to mind... This obsessive, yet unfocused racin' o' the mind makes it nearly impossible to make room in me thoughts fir the everyday tasks at hand, such as rememberin' to feed the rats or rememberin' appointments an' such... Hmmm... anyhow--in other news, I finally made an account at deviant ART, after months an' months o' pesterin' by many people to do so--startin' with me dear, sweet Phil (AKA Doc). So far, I 'ave only submitted 3 pieces to me gallery, mostly because I'm ne'er satisfied with me own work... an' because I ne'er manage to finish the works I begin, but if any o' ye be interested, clicky here. Well, I'm 'avin' an enormous difficulty payin' attention here, so I'm goin' to go fir now. Thank ye all fir bein' so good to me, despite me retarded tangents an' rantin's. Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Quick pic

I just wanted to post a quick pic o' Caio- one o' me best mates fir many years...'e's the one who basically lived with me fir a year or so...the one I sorta tortured. Uh, if ye had no' guessed, 'e's the one with the tattoos... Yeh, well, Joel's here, so I'm goin' to go fir now. Take care, me hearties--ye are all so good to me... Yir Cap'n ~elfpirate~

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Friday, September 16, 2005

Melancholic Stupor

I'm 'avin' one o' those days again... nothin' 'bout me life feels very good. I feel like I am a perpetual asshole without e'er tryin' to be. Me regrets stack up an' me accomplishments fade away into memory... Me bro received e-mail today from one o' 'is an' Eric's ex-flatmates (from New Orleans)...'e was hopin' that me bro 'ad heard from Eric or the others since the hurricane-- because, apparently, no one 'as heard from any o' them. I'm tryin' me damnedest to no' freak out about it... an' to keep me hopes up that they're all ok. Beyond that, I'm jus' no' doin' very well. I'm sick o' bitin' me tongue an' tryin' to be nice to people-- no matter how nice I am, people still seem to think I'm an asshole, so what the fuck is the point o' expendin' the energy to be appropriate an' kind in the first place? No one gives a damn 'bout me efforts, anyhow. Over the past several months, I 'ave encountered a number o' people that could 'ave benefitted from a fist to the face (or, at least, it would 'ave made me feel better)...but I chose to restrain mesel' instead... which only facilitated their continuation o' their shitty behavior an' the progressive worsenin' o' me life's quality. I must say that choosin' the higher path or bein' the better person has little merit on this plane, an' I'm sick o' clingin' to the virtue there. Very little 'as been accomplished in me life without takin' the base path. I'm fuckin' tired o' bein' diplomatic-- I'm tired o' bein' patient-- I'm tired o' bein' kind to those that are no' kind themsel's... I'm tired o' keepin' mesel' in check ...remainin' quiet as a monk when I should be screamin' like a fuckin' banshee... I'm sick to death o' bein' the peacemaker an' ignorin' me own needs in favor o' the needs o' others... I'm just sick o' it all... an' no one seems to see the desperate exhaustion round me eyes... I should be happy right now...but I'm no'... I should be medicated, right? Well, no fuckin' thanks, I do no' need to be numbed to the stupidity o' the world so I kin blend in like a good little american brat...with me medication lobotomy... ~elfpirate~

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