Tuesday, April 22, 2008

suckie day :[
yeah school sucks.everyone thinks im a byotch becuase of my bad temper and how im so stressed and they just dont understand.

like i was in science class and i was being queit doing my work and didnt say nothing to him but i passed a note to my friend when he was there but i dint think he would take it but he did.

then i was laughing with my friend and i wasnt even loud since my laugh is like silent i only make a sound when i breathe for air.

then hes gonna lookat me and say my name and i was like "omfg! i didnt even do nothing to you so i dont even know why your all concerned about me and yelling at me.am i the only person talking?! no.plus atleast im doing my frekkin work damn. (i tryed to refrain from cussing but it was hard and he got me so pissed)all you wanna do is talk to my dad and try to get me in trouble so what you need to do is shut up and leave me alone!"

then everyone was like dang! wth is her problem shes all pissed off and one girl that acts like shes jealous of me or something shook her had and said shes always catching an attitude with people.i wanted to yell at her to because she does the same thing and im just hot headed becuase im under to much pressure.

he didnt say nothing to my dad this time but i mean i just came back and then hes trying to start up again.i dont care anymore all im letting him kno is not to start shit with me.im doing my work and then he tryed to say something.i felt like cussing him out so bad but you know what at the end of school the very last day im going to cuss his ass out i dont fuckin care anymore.

then i asked this boi that i liked and thought he liked me out to prom...and he...he said yes...and i was so so happy but then...outside at recess.......:( girls came up to me all happy looking saying well he said he didnt wanna go with you and i wanna kno why so i asked them why and they told me he forgot he had a date...which was...the girl that catches an attitude with me all the time and i tryed to act like i was happy and said yes! but i was realli hurt..hurt like the how im like..over my crush.

i feel like im so ugly.i wonder if that realli what it is.no guy wants to go with me.ever
am i ugly? it hurts so bad.everytyme i ask someone out they always say he// no i dont want to go with her.i felt like breaking down in tears.

then when we were leaving from scinence he came in there and i seen him and i was so pissed.
then my kind of confusing friend was talking to me and i was like sry i got to go hold that thought and when i seen him i walked fast out of the room andwiated for my friend for a while and one guy i like looked at me kind of with this freaked look but then concerned.

but idc and when she was taking alil to long i just ran up the stairs and look out the window which was full open which means no screen at all.

my friend talked me until other people came up..and she told me what she wanted to say and i apologized then she told me about how the 2nd jerk which was my rejectee was looking at her when i left the room and she said he gave her a "wth is her problem" look and her of course means me and she looked at him with idk and laughed some and he was about to ask her whats wrong with me but he left before he could say it.

i mean how...he has the fuxkin nerve to think
that it was all good with me.wth! of course i would be upset he said yes and then no.

you no how much that hurts.he must have no idea and he should have fuckin thought about it before he even said anything.

ugh!!im realli starting to hate guys all togther sry my guys friends but all the guys i pretty much met in my life are assholes.liars,players.i seriosuly am starting to really really really despice them!

im over what my old crush said...i understand that now..what he realli ment by not ready for a relationship.my friend cupid lol said that he actually meant he likes me but not like that much to date me and he didnt want to ruin the friendship.he didnt but he did some stuff that pissed me off.i can lay off him now.its better when things are figured out but it hurts to know the truth but in ways it good.

dun kno..but i think i ruin everything.im a deep thinker but i analyze stuff way to much and way to hard..


almost got in a fight today but suppose to fight but all i kno if the girrl touches me its a fight and i dont care.

but yeah i'll shut up

ressie peezeie :p














emotions survey
[anger]
what makes you really mad?: lots of things...especially fuxkin teachers.hate them! all they do is complain.just stfu! just cause you didnt get sum last night dont blame me daxn
do you have a bad temper?: to be honest yeah i actually do.
do you swear when you are mad?: ...yea...
do you yell or hit people when you are mad?: yeah...i do but i yell more.i hate people that thinks its funny when im mad
have you ever made someone cry?: does my bro counts as that someone..if so yea..
how often do you get mad?: lets just say alot.
[jealousy]
are you a jealous person?: no not realli just alittle
what makes you jealous?: when i like someone and theyre all over the school slxt...stuff like that
how often do you get jealous?: not much like every once in the blue moon
who are you jealous of?: no one
how do you act when you get jealous?: um..i give the person im jealous of a realli evil glare and...idk i havent been that way in a while so i cant exacly remember
do you get mad at the people you are jealous of?: yea actually yah
[sadness]
are you a sad person?: yes i am..a very sad person, been hurt alot..worst last year :'(
what makes you sad?: rejection hurts,being called ugly hurts alot,being yelled at...the rest...get to know me,gain my trust and i shall tell u
how often are you sad?: all the time..just dont like to show it...plus i hate all the attention i get when i cry
do you cry a lot?: yeah....i do
do you cry on your friends?: no...why should i?
have you cried in public?: yes in school most of the time but im sick and tired of being called an attention whxre.they should look at themselves before they talk about me
[happiness]
are you a happy person?: idk u tell me
how often are you happy?: um..sometimes.my mood goes on and off aniway
what makes you happy?: getting REAL friends,being alone,listening to my music,writing,cute dudes ;),food haha,new stuff,finding someone who wants me for me,being away from all the drama in the world
who makes you happy?: saying "rawr!! im a dinosawr! lol,making up quotes,being myself,singing,being a random mess,having someone actually care about me,being around my besties
how do you act when you are happy?: hyper!!! im annoying when im hyper though :ppp but then again when arent i? im fun if you would be hyper with me lol oh and buy me ice cream and little gummie creatures to tnx
what makes you happiest in your life?: music,poetry,notebook,hyperism(yeah i made a religion.if got a problem...drink a goya!,candy,being random,well realli finding my love would..do..until then enjoy single life
[hate]
what do you hate?:
do you hate anyone?: hate is a strong word.if i hated someone i would kill them literally but i will use dislike, i dislike most people.backstabbing,boyfriend stealing,dramatic peoples...ect.
does anyone hate you?: yesi dont care let em hate.im becoming famous while you at it bee yootch!
do you have a hate list?: nah i have a dislike list
what kind of people do you hate?: playas,liars,fakes,backstabbers,boy friend stealers,people that think there better than others,racist,gossipers,sh....yot starters,snitches,jockers,absoulutely annoying.......
what kind of music do you hate?: hm..i like almost any type.music is ma bf lol.i hate racist music,devilish stuff,death metal,and alil country and some classical
[love]
have you ever loved anyone/been in love?: yea..i guess you can say so...
have you ever told someone you loved them?: no..never had anyone aniway
how many times have you been in love?: you mean been in lyke..um like alot dude haha lol j/p i never been in love..like serious love..just infatuation i guess you can say..
what is love?: love is when you have very deep feelings for a person and would go to the end of the world for them.when you looks past a person looks. when both people feel the same
have you ever loved someone so much you'd die for them?: um..dun kno......
has anyone told you they loved you?: no.prolly never gonna happen but i dont care..i have me,myself,and i.im better off by myself anyway
[self esteem]
how is your self-esteem over all?: not that good not that bad
do you love yourself?: no...to be honest no.
do you think you are attractive?: not realli.some people say im fyone or pretty but i dont belive it one bit.i dont think im ugly enough to break a mirror but not pretty.guys turn me down..so...yeah what does that tell you.i think im so imperfect and like flawed..cant get a guy worth shyot
have you ever wanted to kill yourself?:why...
have you ever harmed yourself?: you guys kno...
are you happy with who you are?: not realli.somethings i would like to change...well lots especially my beaty mark.i hate it.its not thats ugly but its so noticeable.people always ask me like whats that and all and its so embarssing.im very self consious about it

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

thankies :]
i appreciate you guys taking the time to read my post and comment ^^.

the comments are long o_0 thats so rare lol.
thank you again

well not much to talk about...oh except with my seizures...yeah ive been diagnosed with epilepsy which suxks.i had to go to the hospital last time and they stucked a needle in my vein which hurted so bad and i get stucked with pins like 1 million times and they wouldnt even let me sleep.but it was okay.i couldnt sleep anyway.

but now im on meds and i havent had a seizure for a very long time.just little tremors in my hand and thats it.

the only thing was...my parents saw the...marks on my arms from cutting and they were so fuxkin annoying becuase they kept asking me what happened to my arm.its quite annoying.i have 21 cuts on my arm to be exact and some faded sloghly but if i put my hand in a certain way then theyre really visible...theres nothing i can do to hide them so i just say fuxk it and when someone asks me what happened i just make up a bogus lie and they leave me the he// alone afterwards.

but w/e.oh also the mind playing tricks with ghost thing...well i had another thing..im still seeing things in the dark swishing..fast wwhich i find quiet weird.

also when im up in the attic i see things from the side of my eye and i feel as if im being watch and whenever im being watched by someone my hands always shake and i get nerous i dont know what it is but its creepy...what could it be? could it realli be a ghost or could it just be my mind playing tricks on me again?

comment replies-

twisted nightmare-

yeah its kind of the same with me.i get irrated about the littlest thing like if someones whistling or making a little sound like my brother for istance it pisses me off so bad that i feel like hurting him...its hard and plus if i slam the door or something his little tattle tale annoying ass tells them.

or if paper falls on the floor i get distracting and i have a urge to pick it up.for some reason it just annoys me also when someones hair is all messed up.i dont know but little dumb stuff like that angers me.

i love music.i always listen to it when i can but i can never relax becuase my parents always bothers me about some dumb shit and i hardly get sleep becuase of them to.


thank you for the advice.maybe i could try poetry again but idk.

oh..well my luv life is like bad luck...i just hope it will smooth out later in my life...if possible.ive been hurt..and its painful but im trying to pick up all those broken pieces and start off in a fresh point.in some way it was good.im not as shy anymore,im more outgoing and i talk more and just things i never thought i would.

yeah im trying to and yes it does hurt and it is hard but it seems like its possible.when ever my crush is around i get this feeling of sadness,nervous ness and yet this twinge of anger to and usally i end up hurting those around me when hes around.i dont mean to but it happens.really who i want to hurt is him but then i get this deep feeling of regret if i do that..

lol.the laguage is okay.i dont care about cussing.im used to it.people always cuss around me.

lol.thats true.most people are pretty cool but...its hard to trust someone.very hard and when i open up to others it hurts bad.i feel like crying when i share my life with someone.

my trust has been crushed over and over and over by people so i watch everyone closely.so many knives are in my back and sometimes i wonder if its really possible for me to ever trust anyone.i feel good since i can actually trust certain people on here such as you and angel zakuro and a few others.its nice to know there are actually people in the world that you can trust but its still best to watch everyone with eyes of an hawk as my dad taught me and from my experiences at such a young age as others would say.

have a great day and thank you for using your time to read my post and comment




angelzakuro-


:] lol.yep im a random mess of a girl.i like making up my own words now its fun.

awwsh *Huggles* :[ i hope your sleep will
improve soon.my sleep is all over the place sometimes im just real restless and when i go to sleep i have horribly vivid nightmares and sometimes i can actual feel what in my dream which is really creepy.

then others i can go to sleep somewhat on time and have somewhat good dreams.

yeah but its hard to let my anger out.sometiems i realli scared that if i let out all of my anger my mind might just go blank and i might hurt someone real bad or i might end up hurting myself in a bad way.i dont know what will happen if i let out all of my anger and i have so much anger and sadness in me that its hard to explain.

everythings so hidden.thats why everyones alwyas and still trying to figure me out.people say its good and the mysteriousness is found as attracitve but i find it kind of creepy that...its just idk..

i tryed pillows before.it never works.soft things dont help it feels as if my anger is just jumping back into my body.when i break stuff my anger feels like its gone.i like breaking cds but i should find a diffrent safer way to deal with it..i just dont know how.

lol.with the crush...yeah i know what a perv.i think i already told you about when he put his hand in my skirt...i mean he foundt me attracitve and thats a good thing but just as a sex machine thats a he// no thing.luckily im good with slapping.i slap so hard that peoples face ends up red and has a big welp.thats why no one like getting slapped by me.

it just hurts when i get slapped back but yeah..i could slap him but i wouldnt want to hurt him.

eh though i did say "supposively" other girls told me he foundt me attractive and i cant belive them.i think he might come back up to the school...and if he does im going to talk to him about it plus hes single know but i feel alittle bad but then again i heard hes a big tyme player.sad isnt it?

yeah im so so over him.still have my squee moments but then back to no i have to get over him moments.im trying to get over him the best i can.i just have to look at all his bad qualitys and only that and sum up everything that i heard and see.

yeah hes young but hes older than me.nows he friggin 16.almost an adult kind of suxks since i want to drive but yeah.sexsh is not on my list.but he is a teenager and guy teenagers got there moments so its not all that surprising but kind of gross...and i think he wanted to go with me......idk...im not sure...im confused...seems like he still does...or have feelings for me...like when we were at school like a few weeks ago he seen me and he just kept staring at me like in a freegin daze...i could have sworn that he was like daydreaming just staring at me...creepy actually.

i hate when he does that but then one girl in my class yelled at him which was sorta funny but mean.

but yeah i dun know plus i said its from yahoo answers not completely sure but maybe he said it and if he did then he meant hit it and wquit it and thats so disgusting eww.i wouldnt want to ever do that plus stds to.stds creep me out...maybe i would wait longer.i def dont want a std im afraid of that actually.its scary :[

never? aww its okay though *hugs* its just not time for your lover yet i guess.but im sure you'll find that special someone soon ^^.

i never had a bf yet either.sometimes i feel like im never going to have one but patience is the key i guess.

but i rather wait then meeting the wrong dudes whoes a ass and would hurt me horrible bad.

im scared of marriage.i would never want to get divorced and then loose my kids and half of my belongings.

yeah thats kind of what it thought.sometimes i feel likes shes a backstabber like the rest of them.she seems like a real byotch to.

i dont know shes harder to read.shes a good liar.
so idk.i would rather be alone with my ipod and notebook but i dont have my ipod at school since my parents wont let me.it frekkin suxks.

thanks.i will tell her ^^.also thank you to for spending your time reading my lame post and commenting :]


bye byesh hehe

pics-








im getting some snake bites when im older
plus i even got two spots below my lips that are perfectly spaced for sake bites which i find weird

IF YOU GET SICK OR THE SITE OF BLOOD SCARES YOU DONT LOOK!

thats what..i used to do but i over came the urge and i quit doing it.all it does is leave scars and relives the pain temorarly.but i dint cut my wrist it was on my arms...it doesnt really help anyway.

olie skyes





omigosh shes so pretty!

hmmm..how the he// did that get there? lol





i wubsh u!!



i feel that way alot...insecure is what you got

she is so beautiful.i love her hair its poofy lol
i love him hes too cute lol

prettiful ness

hawtie


thats a bad habit of mine












aww this is so cute!


african american scene girls to rare pics



have an totally uberly amazing day!
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Saturday, April 19, 2008

   tiredsh
hi.yeah this is short or somewhat..im like realli tired so yeah

things have been so hard for me lately and my anger is out of control.i get angry so easily and i mean like any little thing can trigger my anger and make me want to break and kick things around.i dont know why but i think its just all the stress that ive got.

also i kept thinking about my old crush.i'll let myself get over him nautrally i guess...im half way over him of course but not all the way

and i lookedup...the attractive factor...on yahooanswers and..it was gross.my old crush supposively thought i was attractive but wasnt ready for a realtionship but then i actually learned what it meant and its so gross becuase it meant that he wanted to hit it and quit it or easier way sexual intercourse but he thought i looked good...thats gross though.im so not ready for sex and im not thinking about doing it until im either 20 or 30 years old and im dead serious.

then today my so called friend got mad at me becuase i was talking sbout him but she got her damn nevers becuase when she talks about her crush i listen to all her fuxkin whiny problems.i hate people like that.ugh! well i stfu.

byesh



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Sunday, April 13, 2008

rock on n rock out!

(you dont have to read)
sup doods and dudedettes as you can tell im bored as fuxk at the moment.

hope you guys are fine.well updates-

with my seizures...ive been diagnosed as an epileptic so now they have me on medication which i have to take twice a day and since ive been taking them i havent had a seizure yet which is good.

now on life...well its the same pretty much.its been a bitch but i'll try to deal.

my parents saw all the scars on my arms and kept bugging me about what happened and bla bla bla and what i really wanted to say was "idk and why the fuck do you care?! just leave me the hell alone" but i know i couldnt so i just told em some bogus story about how my brother scratched me and now they left me alone.

i hate when people bother me about the scars on my arm and always tell me to take off my coat and shit.it gets quiet annoying and this post will be my complaing post.

my crush...well old crush at that he is such a fuckin ass.i made a joke about getting me a jello shot and some wine or i'll shoot him..and my friend told him and i told her to and i was just messing around and he got pissed.

she told me that he told her- "i dont owe that fuckin bitch shit! tell her to stop being so fuckin thirsty"

yep thats what he said and that literally pissed me of..first of all im noones god damn bitch and a guy calling me a bitch...haha nice knowing ya.

i told her to tell him-"thirsty for what?realli thats what i want to know...i mean he dont got nothing and if he do im sure its no bigger than a inch"

then my friend was like "ooh damn! you didnt have to get that grapic and i mean come on your telling us that you seen "it"

and i was being sarcastic and said "yep i sure as hell did" so yah



yeah i know he'll get mad but i dont give a shit.i mean he should have never called me a bitch and if he thinks im a bitch.i'll show him a real bitch and leave a fuckin hand print on his god damn face.


i called him to and i asked him if my friend told him about the whole jello shot thing and he was all like "huh?idk" i mean hes a idiot...hes so boring over the phone to.

then i was like how old are you anyway and he was like "15 bout to be 16" hes kind of young and also he acts so immature.like a baby immature and he gets pissed off easily and thats what i hate about him.

then i seen him a day after words and he was up at the school i was in class and he was outside and one of the girls in my class was like theres someone...and i hit her becuase i so thought she was joking and i hate when people do that.

she was serious though and i kept apologizing...then i seen him and he just kept staring at me not saying anything...i just had to scream when i seen him though and let my anger out some and of course he heard me but i didnt care...but he just kept staring...it was awkward...i just keep looking at him like he was crazy..i mean he just kept staring not doing anything....then the girl was all like "you can go now damn!" lol it was kind of funny.i told her to stop being so mean though but he did deserve to get yelled at...even though he did

then on friday i was in class and it was a rocky day.one boy kept talking shit and i got pissed then another guy that acts all weird around me was talking stuff and i asked for a hug and he was being an ass and say no! and then i was like "okay!wth is your problem"

and then i just stormed out of the room and went outside for a bit and then my friend asked me what was wrong and that pissed me off and so i went to the bathroom and just threw things around until i felt somewhat better.i like to break things when i pissed off.i perfer to break any type of glass object though.

yeah this is just an emotional outlet and i feel better writing this out.

it sucks that my mood always changes so fast..first im in a good mood and then im totally pissed off and then next im depressed.

its not like that all the time but its like that alot...

yeah i'll tell ya the rest next time...well if anyone even read this doubt it though

daily pic-

i want to get those piercings..they look so awesome but its pain bearing X]


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Sunday, April 6, 2008

new poem

hi.hope you are doing fine.sry that i havent been on here in a while or atleast updated.ive been busy and stuf...

well ok...alot of things been on my mind and my moods like this-:[ to :] to angry...

my moods been changing like crazy at times... i guess its the stress.

i keppe thikning about him becuase i see and hear his name everywhere i go and its annoying the heck out of me.im trying to forget him and i cant but i'll just try harder and i cant let a dude get me down.my moms been through more shit then i ever been through and she made it even thought it was hard so i have to live it up like her and hold my head up high.

its hard to do becuase other stuff pile on top of what going on but i think i can do it.

so yeah i'll shut up now....


so i made a new poem....it might not get viewed but w/e

im your puppet no longer

Why do you feel the need to use her
As your punching bag? She’s a human all
The same, you left marks on her body which
Screams out your name

Scars foretold a story,An abusive boyfriend and
A marked up girl, her life going in an endless
Downward swirl.

Everyone in school saw them as the
Perfect couple to be but they
Never knew that she felt so powerless,
So weak

Her friends never saw the marks, the tears she cried.
She always hid her pain behind makeup and candy
Coated lies.

No one to turn to she felt all alone, her parents were
druggies and she ran away from home.
Her aunt was cruel, made the poor girl
Cry even more, called her names ,even a whore

To afraid to call for help, more pain she had to endure,
School was even harder, she felt as if she couldn’t
Take anymore.

But she tried to stay strong and told herself
That she belonged. She begged her boyfriend
To try and get help but he did not go along.

Little did she know he actually
Took the advice, he didn’t want to
Tell her because he though it
wasn’t right.

The girl went back to her
Aunts house and stayed in her
Room, checked her email
And thought she was doomed.
The email read “I have to let you go”
And she wondered why he didn’t say so.
She was so hurt to know that the one
She loved with all her heart didn’t
love her back. So she ran to the bathroom
Taking her blade with her, went through the medicine
Cabinet and got some pills telling her aunt
That she was ill.

she knew that It was the end.
he was the only person she had left
to turn to But now she lost him.

Filling the tube with Luke warm water,
She stepped in and took a breath, she knew it was her
End but how afraid she was of death. She carved his name into her arm and watched as the blood poured out the wound.

It stung so much so she took pills to numb her soon.
Drowned, mutilated, and overdosed, her soul was soon set free.
Tortured no longer, in a better place. Heaven sent and heaven bound,
her path to happiness would soon be found.

soo whatcha think?...

pics-


no onnes be-day just thought it was cute








yea so have a great day :]





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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

take me by surprise,open up my eyes and show me that ur just the one i was looking for...
hi. thank you guys so much for your help and support *hugs*.I appreciate it a lot.

after reading both the comments i felt better knowing that their are people that actually do care about me and are willing to help me get through this tough time that im going through at the moment.

ive been okay lately i guess...i was sick so i didn’t go on here for a while. i felt fluish but it went away but i still have constant headaches now though

i had to go to the doctor today and get a shot which hurt bad but i dealt with it.

and also angelzaukro...as in old friend. I meant...maybe you'll get a hint in the pictures i post up later...

i'll try to cheer up some more and look or at least try to find some up sides of life. I noticed lately my negative attitude has been bringing others around me down and i don’t mean for them to feel the pain im going through. it seems to radiate through my eyes somehow...now im just uncomfortable with eye contact...my old crush...well idk i should just...let my natural feels come. Its just that im very confused about how i feel.. about that guy. he’s been the last thing on my mind lately. ive been trying to keep myself busy with lots of things and tmrw i might just spend the day writing poetry and get absorbed in a good book then later i might go online.

replys-

angelzakuro-

yeah and now that i remember this isn’t my first...this is actually my second well resulting from a crush. The first one wasn’t as bad since he was a total ass but this crush. He was a mix of the two...i guess he just was being an ass so i wouldn’t get hurt...people told me that i should have just left him alone and found someone else to crush on but i guess its my fault for not seeing the real him sooner...at least everyone else seems to put the blame on me not him.

but i don’t have anyone to..like i said everyone is phony and backstabbing. My trust been crushed so many times. the only people i do trust are you guys on here...trust is such a hard thing for me to do..im always getting stabbed in the back by everyone.

it just sucks that i still have those marks from what i did and its so hard to hide them. People constantly ask me what happened and im running out of stories don’t do it much anymore only when im powerfully compelled to but its just so hard to hide them and i want to get rid of them but they just wont go away.

its okay. I really appreciate your help though and i will be there for you to :]

thank you for asking him to come here also to help. I really appreciate all the reassurance and help you have given me with everything.


i wish you the best with everything also.


Neko Nana Mode-um...he’s not my ex...sry if i confused you. We never went together even though everyone thinks we did but yeah i never had that kind of relationship with him. I guess it is best for me to just let my natural feelings happen the way their suppose to instead of forcing them.

oh...im sry that you had to go through a lot of stuff also. I shouldn’t be complaining so much. I feel so selfish whining about my problems when others went through way worse stuff...I’ll try to be more considerate of others to.

yea that’s easy for you to say...my parents...its a whole different story then other peoples parents...its not as easy as it sounds to confront them and even if i do it wont move them not one bit.

i have been hearing that "trust others" stuff for so long in my life.... i don’t get along with people well and don’t really like being around others. im always getting hurt. Theirs no one to trust in my life. I literally mean no one.

trust is just an illusion in my mind and like a mirror it is always easily broken and so fragile.




ugh..this is starting to become a depression post i should bring some light onto it.



okay now pics-















































































izzy hilton is so cute as a girl oh and their both guys.izzy hilton got a sex change.hes the one with the blonde hair.he dosnet even look like a guy though nor sounds like one hes so cute


























hes the hawtest most drop dead gawgeous scene guy ever!

i luv her hair and shes so pretty










ttyl

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Friday, March 21, 2008

status-has a very sore throat and raspy voice which sucks but i'll survive..


.... so im of course not realli in a good mood right now like usal.my day sucked...i kept on thinking about my old crush and no matter how hard...i try so hard to forget it all...forget about him and everything but something...just 1 little thing reminds me of him.if the air is warm its get me so nauseous and weak and shaky and i feel like regurgrating vecuase it reminds me of him...last year when he was all i could think about..how he ruined so many things for me..but then again its my fault if i turn he tables though isnt it?

im sry that im letting him get to me hes just a boy and i tryed to do everything i could to get over him.i tryed everything but nothings working and i just cant forget about him even though i realli want to.i want to forget about him so bad but hes always somewhere in my mind just...i cant forget...why cant i just forget about him?

it seems like im trying mission impossible trying to get over him and i have no one to confide to other than you guys on here.everyone in my real life are so phony and full of shix.

i even tryed to have a crush on another guy so i would think about him now not my old crush but its not working out...im so confused and...im just a complete wreck

i dont even know what to do anymore...everyone else says oh its just your first heartbreak its not a big deal but im not like other people..their strong enough to pick up the pieces all by themselves and put it back together but im to weak...i get hurt so easily and i get attched...im so damn clingy...

this just been going so bad for me lately...i dont even deserve all this bullcrap that im going thru...

my teachers been lying on me and trying to get me in trouble and lately my parents just been yelling at me calling me stupid and retarded and saying that im never going to get no where and yet people always wonder why i have such low self esteem...my parents are always putting me down.they call me retarded and dumb and stupid and even though their not much it actually hurts me to be called stupid and slow.


i hate my life so much...people always say cherish every bit of your life ebcuase you never know when its going to end but really i could care less.if it ends,it ends.its no big deal to me anyway... one death leaves room for another life to be made anyway

ive been under so much pressure and my parents dont even know im suffering from depression yet their treating me like im just a fuxkin servant of theirs or something so they have the right to treat me like shix

i mean i just dont deseve any of this...their making things way worse than it already is but luckily ive stopped doing my old routine of...well i think you guys already now....

ive felt complelled to confide to my old friend like i did in the past year but i made a decision to never use it as a coping habit anymore...old friend means as in what i used for...u know what...i rather not say since this is a public site which i really hate.

i had to go to so many funerals lately to...i had to go to one in the first week of march...its weird how i always start laughing when i hear bad news like a death but realli i just want to cry my eyes out...i read its a coping mechanism but its just weird...

it still upsets me but i try not to think about the deaths so much now...i try to move on becuse im sure none of them would want to be sad...i sure wouldnt want anyone to even come or cry at my funeral which will not be any time soon.


yeah i'll jus stfu now....i spoke my mind already




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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

my poem...
premature child not ready to be born, slowly breathing trying to grip onto life, it slipped out of her hands, taken her back to the darkness she always known, gods angels sent her back to heaven to meet the father she never knew.

precious jewel, a fragile life, premature child trying to survive but she’s not strong enough, each breath slowly ending her life.

in god's arms being cradled there, she rest in peace, forever held dear

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

supsh?
me...oh well nothing much...hehe.sooooo...i know i must be such a bore but i cant help it...

its the same old stuff and lately ive been ahving realli horrible nightmares....i been realli vivid terrifying bloody stephen king horror movie type nightmares and sometimes when i wake up im in a friggin cold sweat with my heart pounding and be frekkin parsnoid for the whole day becuase of it.

stress...i guess? my dreams are just dreams but their so frekkin creppy.i mean i dreamt that i was.....well tell ya the dream tmrw got to go to bed soon.

so today i watched the covenant and omg the guys were so frekkin hawt that it was unbelivable i mean i wouldnt mind going with them hehe.

just the main guy...hes not that cute until his eyes go black but i love the blonde and the porgue dude or w/e.

sooo....whats up with you guys?


pics yeah some are evil and dark but who cares i love them-










yummy





how about mom and dad why do you push me away all i want is to be loved by some1...any1...

abuse scars a child for life and hurts like he/// but what can you do about it when no body even cares...





















audrey ktiching

cool hair






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Saturday, February 23, 2008

agitated and tired
sooo i hope you guys were okay.this is just pics so here ya go-


credit for all these pics goes to my friend trina so tnk her for the awsum photos lol