Saturday, January 22, 2005

Dream.
Comments on commentary-

El Faru- Calm is good. No one likes people to fly off the handle all the time. I've tossed a controller a few times- some RPG battles are such BS, lol.

Darth Tater is.. well, *stares at the picture of it* ... Well...

*shakes his head* There are no words.

Irish- Nice girl stereotype, eh? =P

Piano! Playing the piano is great. ^_^ Little bit tiring on the fingers, though.

Yeah, Fluffy. If I remember correctly, it stemmed from this weird roleplaying chat where I transformed into a fluffy owl [haha, *transforms into one now*]. This old friend of mine was like "FLUFFY :D" and it sort of stuck. *fluffs about*

I'd get bad grades in school because no one could read my handwriting, haha. I suppose it's gotten a bit better. <_<'

Dr. Mammoth - He has a feminine look, I suppose. Maybe a wee bit of badass sticking out, hmm. Attracted to feminine guys, Sen? :P

Lea- Nein. Not really, lol. It's not that people aren't funny, wait- yes, yes it is. What I laugh about and what I joke about can actually be rather different. I'm usually cracking a grin whenever insanity is going on, though. The only time I laugh alot is when I'm making everyone else laugh, heh. I think I'm rather funny, but some disagree- no harm done, though. *lowers shotgun*

These are frozen tears.

That inaugural speech was rather irritating, lol. It was a masterful piece of propaganda that essentially informed most of the world that they could be considered enemies by the United States of America based on the amount of 'opression' or 'tyranny' in their respective countries. I'm not really sure what to say about that, lol. Anyone who thought it was a compassionate speech needs to get their head checked, heh. Imperialism? Probably not. But how many people with good intentions have only screwed things up more? Democracy is something that isn't the answer for all people. People in a Muslim country, for example, might not really have "freedom" at the top of their priority list- their religion has a probability of coming first. People in Russia need a strong, centralized government- always. From the time of the Czars through the Soviet system and to now- that is all they need. Freedom to them might be considered irrelevant- Russia has had a strong tendency to try to be different from the West and yet it adopts many Western ideas just because of how efficiently they work. I'm not really sure what to tell you, but look for Bush to act on his inaugural day, pro-democracy speech sometime in the future. Iran is a rather different country than Iraq- they have an actual army, lol. Iraq's main army blew hard, it was mostly pissed off/scared conscripts. The Republican Guard was the kicker, heh. I digress- whatever happens, happens. Just, don't go into that Inaugural Day thread, lol.

It's an odd thing. People trust his word, trust him to be a compassionate gentlemen in regards to spreading freedom. I don't, lol. I don't trust politicians- Democrats or Republicans, I don't trust them. I don't dislike him because he is conservative, I don't dislike him because he's a republican- I dislike him because he is lacking in intelligence, lol. I dislike stupid or seemingly stupid people, hm.

Oh well. Whatever happens, happens. I'd certainly prefer it if Bush has gotten rid of his war bug. A good economy is good for me, lol.

A coffin of dust.

What is it? OtakuBoards Nifty Fifty.
Why is it nifty? I'm not really sure.

As per the usual, I've been avoiding this "award" thread for a good long time. I'm not really into these types of things, lol. You know why? Because, I'm human. I like being mentioned, not being mentioned irritates me because.. where's the spotlight loving for Ken? =( Haha, nah. This one was actually pleasant because, lo' and behold, Roxie has this lovely paragraph about me! That made my day, my friend. Thank you very much for your kind words. =D I might post in there, just because I usually force myself to, but I don't really know what has been nifty this year, lol. Maybe I should just point to a slew of nifty people or something.

What is it? People.
Why is it nifty? *devours your arm*

City of Flickering Destruction.

The following is something of a rant, I suppose. So, avoid it if you want to.

I've been melancholy lately, lol. I think I need to talk it out. It seems like people self-destruct around you in the most classical of ways, and no one is quite aware of how much of a strain it puts on you. I've been less enthusiastic about living as of late. You want to do what Jesus described death is- just fade away into a deep sleep and not wake up. I'm not running from anything in the present, the burdens of things long since passed weigh me down. I'm not pissed at a person or persons, I'm not angistily distressed over a small matter- it's a mixture of varying events that crop up around this time of year. It's the most pointless of things, what I have here. A little life, a little bit of material possessions, a long past of let down's, failures and people walking away from you calmly. I'm regretting that I didn't fulfill the pact I made with myself, the promise that I would follow my friends into the dark depths of whatever is beyond this life. They would want me to live, of course- but they did not help anything by doing what they did, lol. Do you want to know why people drown themselves in drugs and alcohol? I know why. I've been there, I know what it is like, lol. It's simply an escape. You want to get away from here and now, whatever here and now is. You don't want to *exist* in that place anymore, you don't even want to think about being in that environment- you want to just run, just wander away from everything to some far away place and breathe again, live again. That far away piece of heaven that is different from wherever you are, better than wherever you are. I was really close a few nights ago. I haven't been that close in awhile to doing anything, as most imbeciles term it, "foolish". It was actually somewhat disheartening- I wasn't shook up or anything, so I came to the sudden realization that this was serious [there is a very strong difference between angsty depression and deep, real depression- when you are just sitting there, pondering dying with no negative thoughts coming of it I presume that that is the more real of the two]. I was actually considering killing myself without any signs of emotion. Suicide is.. well, what does it matter? Ignorant people have their own ignorant opinion without being there, people who have been there are like me usually. I just am tired of going on from day to day, I suppose. Just sitting here, tired of writing this, tired of breathing. It's rather pathetic in a classical sense, it should be relatively easy to carry on, but it seems that my soul or spirit is tired. The things I used to truck on for [my sister, my friends] seem to no longer work as well, heh. But I have the belief that it is perhaps just the time of year that has put me in this mood, I have a rather long track record of not enjoying late January. All of this is alarming to me because the last time I thought of killing myself without having any emotional reaction I did it and almost succeeded. So, I suppose I am trying to lift myself out of this morose state a bit. I'm not sure that I can ever really, super happy for any length of time, lol. But I suppose being somewhat melancholy is better than being suicidal. My humor serves me well, it keeps me alright. My humor came from my pain, which seems to be the case with alot of funny people. Ah, well. Just keep trudging through the mud, I suppose. Do not worry. Focus on yourselves, worry about yourselves. I will always be in a state of "alright", at least my definition of alright [some don't agree that my alright is, well- 'alright']. I cannot kill myself without violating several promises to people that I made in the past. So, just sit here and read this. That's all, read it. You don't have to comment on it, just learn from this. That is all I ask, learn from me. There is alot to learn here. People who focus too much on their past are weighed down by it. Wisdom comes at a price. Comedy comes at a price. There is a difference between the angsty, popular version of depression and the real, disease-esque kind. Suicide results in the death of more than just the person, it kills everyone that person knew in a sense. I like the rain for a reason. Etc.

The more important thing is what I can learn from this. Let's see if I can pull myself out of this, unlearn things that I learned. See if I can move on from all of this, hm. Wish me luck, my friends.

I'll wait for you here, forever.

Well, I feel a little more content after letting off some steam. I'm going to go drink some Dr. Pepper and game, I suppose.

Stay cool, folks.

P.S. =/

P.P.S. Best game of this year. The two best teams in the Western Conference duked it out, it was amazing to watch the Spurs come back. Great game, great game. Go Spurs.

P.P.P.S. Random plugs.

P.P.P.P.S. Song of the Moment.

edit: fixed link on first song, should work now.
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