Friday, December 31, 2004

Retreat only if you dare not hear yourself say goodbye.
Comments on commentary-

Lea- Don't come here again.

Aye de Eff- No problem! Congrats on your win. ^_^

Yeah, I'm sorry too. =X That was really horrid, to be sure. Good luck with your driver's test!

Shinmaru- Indeed! Congrats to Irish.

Well, we would have gone there early in the morning but.. it doesn't really matter in a city of a million+ since the lines would be there in the morning too, lol. DMV is.. inefficient, to be sure.

Mr. Dan- *eats Floorsville* Mmm. Delicious suburbia. =D

Katatonia.

I'm stealing this idea from Reina, a good friend of mine. It's some sort of short biography composed in short, choppy sentences. It's just to tell people about yourself, I guess- she asked that people steal it from her, so.. lol.

My name is Kenneth Andrew Howell. I'm sixteen years old by chronological date. Mentally I am well beyond my years and will probably keep progressing in that regard until something optimistic occurs. I'm physically imposing to most people. I'm Mexican, native American, black and either German or English- I'm not 100 percent sure how much of any of that I am, as my family history is not known to me. I was born to Tammy Lynn Howell, who was only 16 when she gave birth to me. My father is John Chavverea, whom I have never seen- he was around the same age as Tammy and currently lives in San Diego, California. I have not seen my mother in many years, now- she calls sporadically, but it is usually when she is regretting something or in a drunken stupor. I lived with my biological mother for 6 years, from two till eight. Prior to that I was in the care of my Grandparents, and am currently in their care now. I have a little sister whom I love dearly and haven't seen since I was eight. I have suffered varying forms of abuse until my teenage years. I am not depressed about such things, as my friend pointed out that due to such events I am who I am now, significantly wiser than most my peers and "battle hardened" if you will - I survive adversity quite easily, I've come to find. After all of that, I have proven to be rather lucky- I wish I was joking, but everything seems to quietly roll my way if it is something truly important. I am not a religious person, as through all my years of existence there was never an answer to any of my plea-filled prayers. I delve in mysticism- I believe in spirits. Spirits of earth, spirits of fire, spirits of the dead, spirits of anything. I have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in my youth, so you could take my opinions with a grain of salt if you wish. Eccentricity is my programming, apparently- norms are there to be quietly ignored if I am not in them. I don't strive to be different or to be normal, I strive to exist in a position that is most close to who I am. If I am normal, then I am normal. If I am different, then I am different. If it is me, what does it matter? I don't care much for clothes shopping, but I have a odd love of strange or funky t-shirts that have witty words or pictures on them. My favorite soup is New England Clam Chowder. I am a pre-diabetic. I do not dislike needles. I am not sensitive to blood or the sight of gore. The professions that I used to romanticise about being are: Architect, Robotics Engineer, meteorologist, Psychiatrist. My current profession is "freelancer"- I have no plans for life, as the only thing I wish to do is live. I am not content with resigning myself to the "rat race", even if it is in a half-baked attempt at the "American dream". I would rather live in squalor traveling the world than to be rich and tied down to existing for corporations. I have been to 14 funerals and two weddings in my life. I don't describe myself as a pessimist, I describe the rest of you as optimists- I'm a realist, by most accounts. Existence isn't meant to be peachy constantly or doom-filled constantly- it's a balance of bad and good. Some focus on the bad, some focus on the good- I focus on both. I enjoy metal. Not nu-metal, but metal-metal- true, good metal. I am a student of history, or some forms of it- I know more about modern history than most people, and am reasonably knowledged on earlier eras of history. I am not an American by choice, my geographical location pins that horrid title on me. I do not support America. I am a rather loyal Texan, mainly because Texas gets knocked by other states that I find to be equally pitiable- so, I need to point out their failings. George Bush wasn't born here. Blame New Hampshire- We did the best we could. If you think he could have turned out better being raised in another state like California or something, then that's your right. I've been to the Alamo once or twice, but am not as ectatic as the tourists are- I live here, so it's pretty normal. I support the NBA team San Antonio has, the San Antonio Spurs. I like two kinds of pizza- straight mushroom, or supreme. I write poetry. I also am a rather astute lecturer. I have had formal training in public speaking, so I am also a rather astute public speaker. I have an odd sense of humor. I have gotten straight A's for most of my life, all the way up until now. I have gotten 100 percent scores on several report cards over the years, including ones in History, Math, Geography and Science. I am a hopeless romantic- as my mother departed that trait upon me with her endless rantings about what true love is. I have tried alcohol and several drugs- I don't recommend any of them to you, as they are quite overhyped to say the least. I'm an intellectual elitist. If you are stupid or unwise, you irritate me- especially if you don't pay attention to me trying to teach you things. I believe that there should be systems in place to weigh a person's intelligence prior to important things- like voting. My political ideology is authoritarian- I believe that benevolent dictatorships are the most efficient form of government. That could be argued to be Fascism, but those that argue that I ignore. Democracy is not something I support. I will have no opposition to killing someone, if it is required by superior officers or is in an act of self defense. I do not usually speak frankly with people, as people easily shun my natural opinions- I usually filter or mask parts of myself to make it easier for the consumer to consume. I enjoy friendships- I have many friends of differing degrees, and I would strive to help any of them if they were in dire need. I have not gotten sick in two years. I believe in psychic power. I used to be a rather easy person to control, until I was nine- then I began asking why, and it all went downhill from there, hm. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone- it's a bit awkward, I suppose I'm shy on the phone for some reason. In real life I'm quite animated sometimes- fidgety, to boot. I would like to think that someday I might partake in an act of arson- pretty colors and such, you know. I suppose I might be a pyromaniac, hm. I'm single and passively looking for that elusive one and only. I'm quite bitter as I view the world as being overtly selfish- I have experienced many times when the conversation would die as soon as I start talking about me. I have come to believe that people only enjoy hearing about themselves, so I humor them. I let them talk about themselves as much as they want, if that is what they desire. My favorite color is crimson- the color of blood, the color of life, the color that I am most familiar with IRL. It marks my fall, it marks my rise, it marks the passion that I have for living, the zealous fury that I will not fall to anything. I can be quite cold hearted if I want to be. There are two sides to my mind, the side that wants to be some form of Jesus and sacrifice myself for everyone and the side that wants to see most of you dead for the atrocities committed to me in my youth. The balance of both produces who I am. Yes, I used to engage in fantasies of killing people due to my pessimistic, wounded mind- thinking of school shootings and such. I'm well beyond thoughts of revenge, but it has left me with a muted sense of what it means to kill someone- thusly, I am open to killing. I have worn glasses since I was in first grade, I have worn contacts since third. I fear being left alone, and yet if someone pisses me off with tangents of "betrayal" or how I "hurt them" I can sometimes be willing to cast them aside- I have existed as a lone wolf at times, and am all too ready to accept being alone again if I feel it correct to do so. When I look around me, I don't see places- I see colors, I see people. I see existence in motion. I pity most people, as they go around, locked in their life as an ant- An ant viewing ants is equally pitiable, but I know that somehow I am more free than they can ever hope to be. Laws are meant to be broken, if they are in the way. I cannot draw. I have lost three friends to suicide and attempted suicide myself- obviously, that venture failed so I continue to exist. I cannot attempt it again as I have made promises that I won't, and I keep my word. My past is something unchangeable, so I merely reflect on it- I find it better to focus on the future, what I can change. I am open to sex at my age- even if it was with the goal of procreation. If it was with who I love, I would be willing to do that. I want to have a daughter. I don't know why, I just want to have a daughter that I can watch become the most beautiful, intelligent and wise woman to have ever existed on this Earth. I love kids. Kids and I are in tune, for some reason- we just get along for no obvious reason. Groups of kids are cool too, they like to tackle me- try to take me down, but I usually can withhold their futile assaults. Kids make life much better, so innocent and free. I have considered taking a profession that involves kids, since I love being around them so much. My favorite movie is The Twilight Zone Movie, which no one has seen for some reason. I don't date over distance anymore. It seems that I am destined to be alone romantically, but I have no problems with that. The differences between online and IRL do not matter to me. If people sell you lies, they do- it's still a band of communication that is quite intimate. The bonds I have formed with people online will not fade, unless they wish them to. My devotion to friends is true, online or off. I am a gamer. I have been a gamer since I was three. I have fears, but they do not bother me. Fears can only be conquered by facing them, so they will fade with time and courage. I don't like to be patronized. I have had many pets, but currently I have two dogs. I am homeschooled. I am currently seeking employment so I can earn money for a planned trip to California and one to Europe after that. I do not tolerate pacifists. I am a Leo and was born in the year of the Dragon- a volatile mix, apparently. I was born at 2:22 PM. I have no purpose in being here, I merely exist because of a mistake a man and a woman made a mistake 16 years ago. I believe I will wander for a time and pass on, if my liege's plans fail. I do not think I am here to change the world, but I do hope I can affect a few people's lives for the better. I have a bad habit of devouring the cuticles of my fingers. My closing statement is this- there is much more that can be said, and much more that will come to be. However, the infinite details of who I am cannot be transposed onto paper easily, as it cannot be transposed onto paper easily for any of you. Who I am is simple, I am Ken. What I am is a much deeper process.

You don't know all of me, as I don't know all of you. I seek to know you. Seek to know me if you wish.

Ghost of the Sun.

As that was overtly long, I'm inclined to say that this post is over. Something more interesting will come tomorrow.

Until then, have a good one.

P.S. Happy New Year! Hope you enjoy yourselves. =)
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