Thursday, November 18, 2004

Hysterical Muse.
The world seems preoccupied with sex- cliques, T.V. ads, shows, movies, music. I don't feel in tune with that anymore. I seek love, true harmonious love. That idealistic, story book sort of love that is very hard to find. The rest of the world just seems focused on sex, period. Teenagers, adults- sex sells, you know. Meaning, there has to be meaning in everything. When you spread the sexuality around as much as possible it devalues the wondrous act itself. Humans are prone to addiction- to drugs, to activities, to people, to emotions, to everything. We can become addicted on a social level- especially to things seen as taboo. It's so silly, so meaningless to waltz in and see everyone just flirting with each other. I'm not really sure why it's meaningless- everyone seems to enjoy it. I just don't find that to be interesting to do on any level unless I'm actually smitten. In other words, the proliferation of sexuality into everything is irritating my senses. I don't really have morals, I just don't enjoy being assaulted with the same themes over and over. It wears on your nerves to see the same sort of things being sold to people all the time and their primal needs letting them fall for it.

Story book romance, yeah. My mother was a romantic, she always ranted on in her drunken stupors about what love was, what love should be, what love should have been for her. How she made a mistake and went down the wrong road, how I should watch out and never make the same mistake [I've realized as of late the mistake she was referring to was me, which is actually relevant. Getting pregnant at 16 is a no no]. I grew up ingrained with the thought of how mystical and mythical love can be, the magical sorts of stories that come from it. Then I reach that age when your eyes open beyond your own environment and you realize how large the world is, how surreal the world is. You are assaulted with figures on divorces and tales of things gone horribly wrong, the magic seems dead in a majority of people. I still believe. I believe in soul mates, I believe you have more than one. I believe that the magic still exists in the ever enigmatic idea of "love" no matter how much people seem to go awry. I'm waiting, watching, seeing. Looking for that perfect someone that I know exists in some manner of life in some manner of place just sitting there like a diamond hidden amongst the neverending dirt, waiting for me to find her. I know that because I believe. I have faith in the mystical, the neverending enigma, the darkness that no human can solve with science or religion. The existence of that which cannot be defined. Why do I believe? Because, I'm eccentric- lol. Logically that is an obsolete idea, an idealistic dream of happiness that is waiting to be untapped just by running into your special someone.

I'm not lonely- I'm just alone. I exist in a state of alone- me, myself and I. My real life social cliques are not of an interest to me, the people there are irrelevant. My family is not my family, they are not my blood, I do not feel an attachment to them. My biological relatives are no where to be found. My sister is still missing in action. I'm just here. lol. It's placid, like an out of body experience maybe. I'm watching people rush about, running towards their mortality at as high as speed as possible- and here I am, sitting here, removed from their world. Just examining, studying, seeing. Run, run towards your death! Work, get that raise! Sex, create some kids! Time is running out for you! All of this is all you will ever get, the second just passed is the only second like that you will have. The clock is ticking towards your demise! Rush, man, rush! No, not for me. The clock is ticking and I exist. There is no material rush for me. Spiritual, intellectual enlightenment. Helping, meeting, befriending people. That is what I do. Money is money, you spend it all the time. Material possessions don't matter- you will die and leave them to someone else. What matters is that you live. Not richly in material possessions, but rich in friends- in thoughts, in ideas. Money buys happiness- but you don't need it to be happy, lol. It doesn't matter that I'm alone, for some reason. I am content because I know it is not permanent. Go with the flow, it can take you where you want to be.

I'm not really sure what the point is of posting these here anymore. Not too many people enjoy this sort of thing, these semi-philosophical rants. But really, day to day to me doesn't matter anymore. It's futile, sometimes pointless feeling. I wake up, I exist, I sleep. I repeat this cycle over and over until whichtime I will pass away into whatever grave the dead rest in. I don't want to write to you about my games or my music or what I ate for lunch today or what my friend did to his other friend. I mean, really- if I don't care about half those things, why should you? lol. I have no problem with people posting that- I read it with a smile, it's nice to learn about you through your words. But I have a problem with writing it myself. I'm not really sure, anymore. Things seem to be losing their color- maybe this is finally true, real depression. No angst, no anger, no dramatic threats of suicide, no self mutilation- just gray. Seas of absolute apathy and nothingness, existing awash in feelings of emptiness. I feel aged and tired, worn down by existing for only 16 years. Weathered. I pride myself on my survival skills though, so I am determined to not disappear. I just need that light in my life, that diamond awash in the dirt. I want to find it- being in love usually brings me unrelenting amounts of joy, lol. Patience. I must be patient. The world is not all gray, it is merely I that is gray. I understand this and I will not lose myself in a sea of depression. I am not going to falter like this. I will not slip into euphoria and neither will I slip into morbid depression. There must be a balance, and that balance is contentment.

I'm going to go now. I'll talk to you all later. Sorry about not being around, but EQ2 is leeching my time away at pretty intense degrees. And, don't worry about me. I have existed for many years in tribulation, I have learned how to deal with it. Reality is not harsh, reality is a balance between depression and happiness. I must balance myself as reality is balanced and maintain a sense of optimism that though I will be scarred many times over in my decades of living, there will be many good times between now and my eventual demise at the hands of the Grim Reaper. Just.. I think I'm worrying again about my sister, lol. I might have an explanation for this melancholy state.

Time to lift myself out of it.

Adios dudes, dudettes, heads of state and otherwise.

P.S. A Canadian friend of mine is going to quote me in a law paper of hers on something I said about gay marriage, lol. The quote from her paper reads as follows.

Kenneth Howell a home schooled Texan from the heart of San Antonio, had this to say, "It's not a question of whether it should or shouldn't be legal. They're people too, they deserve fair treatment and I don't see why it's a question."

It's kinda cool. :) See you later, I have evil to slaughter to lift me out of this mood.

P.P.S. How ya'll doin'?

P.P.P.S Glenn Danzig = Demi-God.

P.P.P.P.S. I LOVE THIS SONG. Best song I have heard in so many months- it matches my mood perfectly..
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