Friday, November 5, 2004

Dumb Love.
I have only one real fear that exists in my mind as of late. I should rephrase that- I'm not afraid of anything on an intellectual level except for this "one real fear". At the more primal level, things still irritate me- heights are a good example. I know, logically, that I can't fall off this building or this high place- there are fences or guard rails there, I can't get through them. But, my instinct is really spazzing out over just how dangerous this situation *could* be. Intellectually I know that the probabilities of something occurring on this tower or at this high place that would cause me to tumble to my death are slim to none. But, just in your gut you're like- "ergh, this is bad, this is high, if I fall... yikes!" etc.

Intellectually I fear the religious concept of pure evil. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, which is an extremist branch of Christianity [started relatively recently, actually]. They are purists in all senses of the word- they follow the Bible to the very letter [their interpretation of it anyway] and are very adept at engraving into young people's minds most of their concepts, opinions and ideas. Some of these concepts are good- the Bible contains many good teachings in it, meshed between the Jewish mythology and the Christian dogma. It teaches alot of things that most people could stand learning- things about happiness, humility, unselfishness, forgiveness- all that good, mushy sensitive stuff. But tied with this is the main protagonist of the entire tale- the bad guy for the Bible. Dramatically, it's an enigmatic character who is described in most of the parables and visions as being some form of reptile- a serpent or a many-headed dragon. Satan was one of the angels in God's regime who decided that he didn't like being lorded over. Ironically, he fought the totalitarian regime of a tyrant- a theme that most humans admire in other humans. We admire people who fight for what we perceive as "freedom" and yet we so vehemently hate the one figure in Christian mythology who sought to attain his personal freedom from what is, by all accounts, a theocratic dictatorship that allows no personal freedom to it's servants [the angels]. If this was a human government, it would be a pariah state that no modern democracy supported- none of the western powers would support a theocratic dictatorship, especially one that displays such a liking of violence and destruction to those that question it's rules [Sodom and Gomorrah is a good example of this, I could bring up more but that alone is a great example.].

That is what I fear. The Bible reiterates it's point over and over that evil is there- it's actually alot like the current U.S. administration, rule by fear- controlling people through their fear. The Bible, like said-administration, warns repeatedly that Satan lurks about, like a lion seeking to devour your soul. Another verse states that you shouldn't fear those that can kill the mortal body- you should fear those that can kill your soul. These points are just constantly repeated- hell, even Jesus is tempted by Satan when he goes into the mountains and fasts. This didn't scare me as a child because I was a whole-hearted supporter of God- I was a great Christian and preacher, I went from door to door placing magazines as best I could. One time, I placed 22 magazines on one Saturday morning- that's 11 households. You might not think that's alot, but think of how many times you've turned a Jehovah's Witness down. I had to deal with neighborhoods full of that, lol. It was pretty gruesome work, especially during the summer- walking around for 2-3 hours in the Texas heat or the Texas humidity was killer, you'd be sweating like a goddamn hog and getting pissy little arrogant skinheads who thought slamming the door in your face was better than telling you nicely that they weren't interested. Not that I'm still irritated at the discourtesy most people give to people who are being more spiritual than they could ever hope to be.

Anyway- Evil. I am not a Christian anymore, I am more "new age"- I guess that would be the correct term. My idea on spirituality does not include any organized religion at all. I have no idea if there is one being of evil- my thoughts on the subject are that we are making something from our species past into a character. The common themes throughout many cultures or religions include some being of evil who's malevolent goal is generally no less than the destruction of humanity or the world. I think that there was something else- not a being of evil, but some other thing that *was* malevolent towards humanity that scarred our subconscious for eons to come. Something that destroyed us many times over for several generations until it was defeated or went away. What was it? I don't know. I just have a feeling that we gave a face to that nameless scourge that damaged us so and that is why it is common amongst cultures to have a being of pure evil whose goals include the destruction or harm of humanity. I don't know if it was something supernatural, if it was one of our natural predators as we evolved, if it was something physical- I have no idea in hell, I just have a feeling that it isn't one of the many beings of evil that have been feared by cultures/religions in our history.

But, this still haunts me. It is still in my head that there might be a being of evil who is out to get me- and since I'm not a Christian anymore, what would protect me? lol. I know logically and scientifically that that is really silly, as who am I to be corrupted by such a "glorious" evil creature? I'm a nobody, I'm worthless to any deity or demi-deity. I'm just another body in a mass of billions of bodies. I'm not the President or something, lol. Also, all of these weird little episodes where I feel like something is trying to infiltrate my soul never lead to anything- I wake up the next morning and I am fine, there is nothing there. I guess I should describe it to you. It's like something is seeping into my heart- something is clouded in my head, something feels amiss like someone is trying to take me away from myself. The only thing I have that resembles that is the image of some horrid being of pure evil seeking to rip my soul away from myself. I have no idea in hell why I feel like that sometime, I am positive there is something more logical- maybe it's just simple emotions, lol. It just feels alien, like there is some other type of entity trying to seep into my head, a darkness or something. I have no idea in hell what it is, I don't believe in Satan or anything like that- but I don't know what it is. It just happens some nights, it feels like I'm going to have my soul ripped from me or something. I *know* logic, logic must prevail- spiritually it *could* be possible that there is something malevolent that seeks to corrupt your mind, but I doubt it is a demon. Demons are agents of Chaos technically- Devils are agents of evil. Technically, I that would put me in league with demons- lol, I love chaos. Studying it, partaking it, watching it. Chaos is beautiful to me.

So I am trying to defeat what was burned into my head as a child and trying to figure out what it is- the only common thing between all those experiences is that it is late at night. Maybe it's just fatigue? I have no idea, I have fealt fatigue before and it doesn't make me feel *scared*, lol. Evil, it is not personified in a single entity- it could exist in a race of something supernatural, but I have not seen any supernatural beings as of late. I doubt it is some form of an entity that is seeking something malicious, but then again I have no idea what it is. I think that it is a combination of my fear and irrational thought- it's because of my fear that I think that it's something more than, you know, something like fatigue. If I didn't have that fear there is the possibility I wouldn't be thinking there is any entity, stereotypical Satan or not, seeking to harm me in some way. I have no idea.

But that's my only fear. I don't know how to go about defeating something that I have no logical answers on- with heights, I know that I won't fall down. Solids cannot pass through solids, and that guard rail is as solid as anything. But the supernatural and the entire subject in general is enigmatic- any "answer" I could give you would be nothing beyond hypothesis. There is no way to acquire substance to an opinion on this, in other words- I can't disprove there is something like Satan out there, just like you cannot prove there is something like Satan out there. That makes it more difficult to defeat a fear that I deem "illogical" even when I have no evidence to support that being illogical. Ugh, those experiences are weird- I'm sure I'm blowing it out of proportion. This all leads to one conclusion, if I fear something I cannot let it conquer me. If there is something that is seeking to contaminate my spirit, I will fight it until the last of my breath is let out. I will not fall into slavery to anything- no man, no beast, no spirit. I can fear, but that will not stop me. Until I get some logical explanation for those "episodes" where I feel as if something is trying to take me over or contaminate me, all I can do is be assured in my heart that I won't fall, I am not an evil person. I might enjoy chaos and it's many forms, but chaos is not evil. Chaos is nature, chaos is all around you- only humanity introduced the notion of order. Chaos is all of nature, it exists in everything you touch, everything you see. Order is an idea made by humans to increase their survivability and is, technically, not natural in any other thing on Earth or most things on Earth. If chaos was evil, that would make most everything around you evil. lol.

I don't think any of you has an opinion that could help me with this, as- like I said- it's a matter of opinion. I'm not really sure what to tell you- maybe I'm a little too suspicious of the supernatural, a little too eccentric. But I swear, it is the most alien feeling that could ever be felt by a man. It is just strange, surreal- it is something your mind rejects and seems to be fighting. It is probably something as simple as fatigue, but- who knows? Stranger tales have been told. I just know it's something normal, things with the supernatural I always blow out of proportion because of my upbringing. But hey, if you have something to say- say it. You might have an idea or something, lol. Maybe something scientific about fatigue or something. Heck, even a random comment about how l337 I am in the picture above this post would be delightful. I don't think I can do much more thinking on this topic, because it just leads to the one eventual ending- I can't prove *anything* I think. While I don't believe in any organized religions idea on a black, evil lord of darkness that does not say anything about some other form of malevolent entity. It's just weird. The trend is that I have one of those weird experiences, I go to bed, nothing's happened- so I'm thinking that it is just some strange side effect from extreme fatigue that is amplified by the fatigued brain into something it's not. I guess I should be thankful that it probably isn't an entity of evil, huh? lol.

Anyway. My video card came today and the prettiness calls to me. This should be sweet. Hope you all are hanging tight, nice and sweet in your little Otaku lives, huh? Stay alight then, chin up if you're down- etc., so on.

Later dudes, dudettes, heads of state and otherwise. Stay cool.

P.S. Nazi Germany was defeated in WW2. Prior to and during the Nuremberg trials, all the captured Nazi's were kept in Nuremburg Prison. The highest ranking Nazi kept that jail and brought before the Nuremburg Trial was none other than Hermann Goering- the founder of the Gestapo, leader of the Luftwaffe and formerly a very influential person in the Nazi party [he fell into disfavor after the failed attempt by the Luftwaffe to force Britain into surrender through the Battle of Britain, a plan he advocated- this coupled with the Luftwaffes failures during the Russian campaign and the failure at stopping Allied bomber attacks further stripped him of influence in the Nazi hierarchy.] The Allies let a German intelligence officer and psychologist free access to all the prisoners held in Nuremberg jail- his name was Gustave Gilbert. He document his conversations with the prisoners in a book- Nuremberg Diary. A conversation he had with Goering is something most people should take into consideration as we go about our daily business in this day and age. The quotation from the book is as follows. Here, a deflated, defensive Goering and an intrigued Gilbert are discussing various things- imagine, one of the higher ranking Nazi officers sweating in this hellhole of a prison, awaiting his death at the hand of the Nuremburg trial. His ego, defeated, his country, defeated. Here it is.

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We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction.

"Why, of course, the people> don't want war," Goering shrugged. "Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship."

"There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars."

"Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."
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*grins*
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