Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Echoes.
Sometimes, I feel like an antiquity around here. Some sort of faded character who needs to pass on, exiting stage left and staying that way for the rest of the play. Like I'm not really apart of the "community" anymore, lol. Oh well. I always appreciated the intoxicating enigma of being a pseudo-lurker.

OtakuBoards is still a very warm community for people to come into, and somehow it feels the same as when I joined it way, way back in V3, lol. I feel old. :( All you younguns have way too much energy for uncle Ken to keep up. It is surreal how much time I've spent online in the past few years- 24/7, 365 practically. Home schooling doesn't leave you with alot of social outcroppings to just appear on, so I suppose this is my "hang out" spot. Still, it's odd to be such a lifeless drone to a form of communication. Maybe I'm making excuses, but that seems valid to me. I've met alot of people and it's surprising how many dramatic situations can be conveyed onto the internet- things you wouldn't expect to happen, happen. It's a very odd sort of place, where it is so very informal at the base level of it and yet it can transform into something very human.

I don't know what it was that drug me here- I was looking for Dragon Ball Z pictures and landed at TheOtaku.com, staring at the L337ness of SSJ4 Goku. It was sometime before 9/11, I know that- I was a lurker at first and when 9/11 happened I came onto OB to see how people were reacting. I remember that there was this long ass thread started by someone full of the stereotypical reactions of the time. I finally joined in the early morning hours of October 5th for some reason- I guess it was on a whim.

And the rest, as they say, is history. I was a n00b in every sense of the word, I made friends, I was a mod, I was in big brother, I made more friends, I existed, I lost my modship, took a three month hiatus, returned and existed some more. An aging roleplayer with no good roleplaying threads to join, lol. Faded idol, maybe. :P

Oh well, I'm glad I still have my small clique of diehard friends. ;P

The Weapon They Fear.

I have become more dangerous in my mind. Suddenly I am finding, as of late, when I speak in intellectual threads on OtakuBoards my opinions have substance to them- used to, I would run out of fuel for the fire after my initial description of my opinion. I'm not really sure what is going on, I suddenly *feel* 'intellectual' instead of vainly trying to *be* 'intellectual'. It exists in my doctrine of the moment- I am sure of myself. Why? Because if I am ever wrong, I can learn from my wrongs and better myself that much more. With this I can learn from people's mistakes, opinions or otherwise and consistently become better in any area that is relevant to this. It is a very basic doctrine, but one I had never really considered up until now- people are too sure of THEIR opinions, instead of being open to other's ideas to develop into something better, smarter, stronger.

I exist to change. I am a believer and student of chaos- to me, there are too many advocates of order on this Earth. There needs to be a balance between order and chaos for the ideas to even exist. What is more chaotic than some forms of change? Stagnation of opinions, ideals, self- that is not chaotic. That is placid, peaceful and also a very irrational thing to do in a world that thrives on the idea of competition- what do you think capitalism is? They train you for 12 years to fight. Where? In the world they created. You are studying to be capable to fight for positions in whatever profession you feel- to work harder than the other guy to get your promotion, your raise. You are being trained so that you are A.) Mature, intelligent and sensible. B.) Have the capabilities to go to collage to study for whatever profession you wish to be in. C.) With those two in hand, you are turning yourself into an able competitor for whatever profession you will be in. If you stagnate and refuse to change or evolve your opinion, you are losing the battle against your competitors. Even in a Communist government there is, to a degree, competition- social, at the very least. Competition has been a factor in human society since the beginning of time and it will continue to do so, although it is in a transcended state.

So, even without the capitalist element, competition is a key part of human organization structure. All of you are being taught so that you will be better able to succeed on this planet- whether it be in the capitalist corporate structure or in your social clique. How are you being taught social things? You have schoolmates. The dynamics of high school cliques are well documented and talked about for a reason- they impact you heavily for some reason. Most people seem to remember those situations or even be affected by them emotionally for the rest of their lives.

To me, it's a world of ants. Ants trying to give ourselves meaning. Through religion and science, it's like we're trying to prove something- but to who? The answer is, ourselves. We want to be special somehow, we desire uniqueness in our social structure, our business structures, everything- "new!" that catches your eye, doesn't it? Something unique, something grand. We desire that feeling of independence and glimmery uniqueness in most everything that we create or exist in. But what am I? I'm an ant without a purpose. I don't want to go to collage, get married, get a job, lose a good part of my life, retire and wish I had done something more than work, sex and keep my kids in working condition. That has value, but it's not what *I* want- if you want that, that's fine. But you aren't me. I want to leave little ant footprints that other ants take notice of, you know? Glory, fame or something like that. Hell, if I can leave little ant footprints that attract the attention of something as large as a human, that's even better. I'm determined to leave my mark on the world, or die trying. I'm not content with the normal little American life and, thusly, I'm not going to pursue that in the least.

We all do as we wish. That is an idealistic dream. I do as I wish, I know that to be true. I doubt many of you do as you truly, deep down in your heart are wishing. Why? That's not really accepted anymore. There are norms, standards people, places, organizations and more are supposed to adhere to. Why? Because, logically, without order most things human would collapse. I respect that- it doesn't mean I have to follow it. I am my own person and I have been given a very short existence on a fractured, mundane planet filled with ants milling about in their respective lives. I might as well attempt to do something with it beyond that.

I don't want you to follow me. This is my own idiocy, my own flying off the handle. But it is really what I want to do, so I will do it. If I fail, I fail. There are no great rewards without great risk. I do not fear death, but neither do I desire it. We are all mortal. I will not pleasure myself with a false feeling of redundant safety, I will strike out into this world. If fate deems it fatal, it will. I am bound to die from nature as of now, so what is the point in prolonging life as much as possible by being mundane? I would rather live a few exciting years than decades of normal, run of the mill life. I *will* do something glorious, damn it. I desire it with every ounce of my being and I will work for it until whichtime I pass away.

Roll the dice.

Apathy.

Let's switch gears since, for some odd reason, all my serious, personal posts get no replies from people. Haha, how weird is that?

Well, for my gamer audience, I got "Jump to Lightspeed". That's the much-talked about expansion to Star Wars: Galaxies. I'm hoping it will be cool- from being subscribed for 360 I actually have gotten a free space yacht that is invulnerable to fire, lol. I'm hoping to someday pilot my favorite ship from Star Wars- the B-Wing. How sweet is the B-Wing?! It was designed by Admiral Ackbar and it roxxorz your boxxorz. Ironically enough, I'll have to be a master alliance pilot to pilot the thing- so, long trek to my dream, here I come.

I'm a wookie in SWG. Yeap, large and hairy- thought I should go for something to resemble how I am IRL. I'm going to be a rifleman and a ranger- basically, I can snipe shit, track animals/players and make nifty, large camps. How fantastico is that?

If any of you play SWG, I'm on the Corbantis server. I'm a pretty old oldbie as you can tell by my prior mention of reward for a year of subscription, so I can teach you a thing or two if you randomly join sometime in the future. Heh.

Viva la republica.

Night of the Long Knives.

I got Final Fantasy: Chronicles too, so I can understand what the hell is going on in Chrono Cross beyond the crappy "catch up" part they give you in the Chronopolis, lol. I am hoping to finish it sometime soon, but with SWG and all my time is suddenly being heavily sapped between it and my ever-glorious posting at OtakuBoards. =P Wish me luck in all my gaming undertakings, as fighting evil is a very hard thing to do.

I have nothing further to say right now. I will speak to you all later. I'm off to SWG. =)

Sayonara dudes, dudettes, heads of state and otherwise.
Comments (3)