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myOtaku.com: Death and Despair

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

How truly foolish.

What is there to gain from this unproductive battle? our worthless prattle? droning on an on.

What is life without purpose? It is life.

Nothing here. Nothing worth remembering. No one worth saving, especially yourself.

So what is there? Joy? Such a fleeting emotion. Emotion is but a hormone surge. So what is left?

There is no answer. All things are finite. It never stays. All die, especially the ones you hold dear.

So what about me? or you? Who will cry at your wake? How long will they mourn? What could they possibly miss? What memories will you leave to comfort them?

I can answer all of these for myself quite simply: no one, no time, no memory, I have left nothing here. Those who have touched me, feel a cold glass window. No heat to gain, only to take what is offered.

It's funny, even ironic! How is it that I should create this alias for someone who never gave me the time of day. A person that I may have considered a 'best friend' should I have known what that meant. Someone who complained on and on about their problems but never gave a thought to mine. I never said a thing. I never shared. It didn't matter if they didn't care. Why share if all they hear is silence? What consolation is there? What comfort? Superficial. All of it.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I the only one who looks at the headless butterflies fluttering uselessly about. They laugh and cry but don't look deeper. They're happy. Or so I suspect. Or do they suffer like I? Do they wear as undistinguished and well crafted mask as I? Do they cry to sleep but laugh in human presence? Or are they are they really appear: happy and naive. Content with the simple things and never thinking nor caring about deep intellect. Worried about going somewhere or seeing someone and not about their impact and worth.

I'll leave you with this, since I know no one will read this and no one will care as I have left nothing here. I know this because you only read this when you are bored or with the simple hope that I might return the favor and see what you have written (superficial):

Ignorant Bliss or Intellectual Hell?

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Update: Only form of communication is through Private Messages
I know I haven't updates/been on in a very long time. My sincere appologies.
I'm sorry I haven't been able to check anyone else's sites. I hope all is well with you! Good luck with school, work, life...

My main reason for posting is to tell you that this will be my final post. That does not mean that I'm leaving, however. I just feel my life has little significance to require regular posts.

I still exist though! I will no longer be checking my site (as if I ever had been in the past year...) and sadly I will not be able to check any of your sites (unless you pm me and ask me to look/read/critic things).

With that being said, I check my pms daily so I am more than happy to communicate via private messaging. I look forward to your messages and as some of you know, I'm always willing to listen and let you vent your frustrations.

A message to those that "friend" me or sign my guestbook in the future: I will "friend" you if you want and will sign your guestbook in return just be aware that I will not be able to check your updates. Do not expect me to come visit your sites unless you pm me and talk to me via that method.

I hope you all can understand. I'm sure you're all busy too. I enjoy talking with all of you so I always appreciate getting Private Messages from whoever about whatever.

Until then, See you around.

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Friday, May 18, 2007

   Sayonara...for a time.
Hello all,
I sincerely apologize for not updating or checking all of your sites. I hope that all is well where you are and that you all keep safe.

On to business: As some of you may already know, school is out here and it's time for summer vacation. With that, I have to pack up my things and head on home. At home, however, I have little to no connection to the internet so visiting my sites let alone anyone elses will be a nearly impossible task for the three months of summer vacation.

I will attempt to come on when I can so please feel free to continue pming me and writing messages as I will get back to you as soon as I'm able.

For those of you that care, I'm not going away for good (darn it, right?). If all goes well, I should return by September to MyO (whether or not I'll update is questionable). Regardless, there is no need to panic, I repeat, no need to panic/worry. My name may be "Death" but I won't succomb to myself atleast not by myself so there is no need to worry about me.

As for all of you, I wish you the greatest of adventures and the safest care. Take care of yourself and don't put yourself in harms way. When I come back, I'd like to see you all safe and sound.

Until then, sayonara.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

To be honest, I was getting sick of my last song (I've had it up for about a year now) So I thought I'd change it up a bit. I especially like this song. I hope you'll all enjoy it (you can adjust the volume if it's too loud).
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Friday, November 17, 2006

I was sick of staring at the long post so here's a short one:

*it's invisible*

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Venting, I don't care that this is an anime lover site. I need to tell my story...
I guess it's about time for me to post something. This one will be a very long one so I don't intend most of you to read it. Warning: If you are reading and commenting just so I will check out your site, don't bother. I don't have time for that (unless your a close friend--you know who you are). Only read this if you really want to. I won't blame you for not (I'm going to tell all because I need to). I don't recommend reading this, it's long, boring and stupid. I just like to talk, so I am. With that said, read at your own (time) risk.

Okay, I'm finally going to get this off my chest now that my "real life" friend no longer comes on and there won't be any way for her to know who I am.

This issue as stupid as everyone else my think it is, has been plaguing me for the past four years. I'm going to start from the very beginning.

Ever since I was kid, I've been an outcast. I don't know why but it must have been awfully easy to pick on me. I had no real friends at school and my family thought of me as a black sheep (I was quite the trouble maker, liar and thief). Finally, in middle school (you'll think it's stupid...) but I finally found some comfort when my family got a cat (for his protection we'll call him...umm....Neko?). That was six years ago, six years of continuous bonding. There is no living being on earth that I trust and love more than my cat. There has never been any human love or friendship that can compare. Knowing this, perhaps someone can understand my frustration, saddness, grief, and deliema.

Four years ago is when things took a turn for the worst. He began having an unwanted behavior problem, spraying (if you don't know what that is, it's when they urinate outside of the box). There wasn't any medical reason as to why he started this behavior. My family couldn't put up with him much longer. So I did everything I could to find a way to make him stop. I've been seeking feline behaviorists, books etc to find a way to stop (I've done everything in my power!). My family has been patient (on and off) for these four years for me to work with him. However, through out those years, my family has been constantly threatening to get rid of him. Now, you may think "why not take him to the humane society?". Well if you didn't know, the Humane Society immediately euthanizes cats with such an issue since no one will adopt a cat that sprays. So there's no option. When the threats first began (4 years ago), I made a bet with God. If God took Neko away from me from any unnatural causes, then I swore that I'd take myself away as well.

Then college nears and things really begin to escalate. My family doesn't want to care for a smelly cat, and I can't take him to a dorm. We reached an agreement that they'd take care of him for one last year, afterwards he's out. I agreed because that's my only option.

Now that school's started, I have to start thinking about places for next year. Of course I want to take Neko with me but the only way to do that is to get an appartment. My family is against that. They say that my grades will drop (which is very likely) since it will be harder to get to campus, I'll have to cook, and worry about payments and vet bills. So basically I now have only two options: get an apartment with Neko and kill my academic career (potentially killing more animals) OR stay in the dorm, work on my academics and have Neko euthanized. There are no other options. It's my career vs. Neko. I'm cut in half.

So basically, I had to tell someone this. I don't care if no one ever reads it. But it's better if I don't keep it inside anymore or I'll swallow myself up. I don't expect any comments. To the majority out there, I appreciate the fact that you care enough to read this. I don't want pity, I want understanding. No, I want solutions. But solutions aren't possible with this issue. I'm finally sharing this now because my "friends" have been too dense to notice my suffering for four d*** long years. I knew my mask was good but I didn't expect them to not care so much (but that's a completely different irritation issue that perhaps I'll cover in a debate sometime). I feel better now that someone will finally know my sufferings. But I'm very sorry for casting such a dark cloud. I guess I'm not one to be cheerful. My apologies.

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Friday, September 22, 2006

I'm posting due to some very kind people who care. I didn't think anyone would notice I was gone. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to post about. College life now isn't too bad. So if you have any questions about what college is like from a freshman's perspective, feel free to ask me questions. It's a public school by the way so try not to ask questions pertaining to private colleges since I have no experience there.
I'll just add, that I check my pms on a regular basis so if you need to get in contact with me, that would be the best method.
I really appreciate all of you that were concerned with my disappearence. I appologize for that and that I will not be able to check sites due to studying. If you have a post that you'd really like to show me, don't hesitate to ask. I just can't keep track of everyone's updates but eversooften feel free to let me know what's going on.
See you around...

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I appologize but I'm giving up for a while. School's got me down and I don't have any time to visit sites. I want to thank all of my friends for being so selfless and visiting my site when I couldn't visit yours. You truly astound me. I appreciate the effort. Well, to prevent all of you from needlessly stopping by, I'm giving up the site for a while if not permanently. We shall see. I'll leave the site on in case anyone wishes to contact me but I find that highly unlikely. Well, Thank you all and I hope you take care of yourselves. Have a great Summer.
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Monday, May 1, 2006

Once again I've neglected to check sites or update. I'm sorry for worrying any of you. I exist, somewhere. Time is just escaping my grasp and I can no longer manage it yet. Sites, although I'd like to go and visit, are not my priority and I'm very sorry for that. If you need me, feel free to pm me or something. I'll get back to you as soon as I'm able. Good night everyone.
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