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Wednesday, March 28, 2007


well today seems easy going except for the fight that i ended up getting hurt from (no bad) the guy just ran into my leg as he fell. -ouch- and now Bryan and me are s.l.o.w.l.y working out our problems and i told him that i am no longer depressed by him and that we can still be friends.

i finished my stort story and it was about this woman named Dharma, who was having these dreams about this girl in an asylum names Karma and things happen and stuff and the swist to the story is that her dream about Karma wasnt really Karma...it was her. -dum dum dummmm- yeah so thats the main point to it. i got it to be 4 pages long. which by the way i thought it was hard because i wanted to keep writting it. wow i could make a story with stuff like that. haha

and as for the hunger thing...well its not like im going ALL day without food. i eat when i get home though daddy thinks im going into starvation mode and im hurting my stomach by waiting all day to eat the rest of the night. "no daddy i dont have an eating disorder" i hope...>.< last night i ate DQs cheeseburger and ice cream and mommys jello and crackers from her salad.

anyways i hope the elf can come over today because her mommy is in those moods that you dont mess with so i dont know maybe next week.

oh i just love my hair i have it haft way up so people can see the red in the back...i love it i think next time i will just color it all red because this red now i like...its like a fight truck red, really bright and everything.

now that all you know and some see that im ok and just a bit down but im strong i can take it now. i have friends still that i can hang with...the elf and a few in my pottery class. yeah a few.

well its lunch time so i think im going out to face the people that annoy the HELL out of me. o.O and well we shall see what happens...maybe.

Dont be your own bully.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007


ok i think i can get through this. my reason from yesterdays post brought me to thinking more (god thats all ive been doing lately) and well really im emotionally exhausted from the break up with Bryan and the idiocracy of all the people i used to hang out with. leigh agrees too and shes helping me get through it the best she can. i wasnt planning on killing myself im not that dumb. i had friends at my old school who did that. so yeah its all emotional and im just tired of it all. i take naps now because i get so worn out from it and its scaring my parents because i cry and sleep and i have been only eating one meal a day for the last two weeks and im sick of starving myself. and mom asked me if i was depressed about anything and i told her no that i will deal with it. but its not working. so lately i have been sleeping in my parents room and mommy has been buying me things.

oh and i colored my hair last night, its now and dark brown black and a redish pink underneath the top layer. it looks awsome.

so now you know what ive been doing and well i have to find a prom date still and well actually the elf told me to ask this Andrew kid so i will give it a try.

i better go now i have a 3 1/2 page story due tomarrow and i havent typed it yet.

dont be your own bully.

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Monday, March 26, 2007


i seriously hate my life now and i wish i could just die!


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Friday, March 23, 2007

well as it turned out for the worse, bryan broke up with me just because of his damn jealousy streak. that happened on tuesday night and he did it on the phone, well he left a message and did it. now the things he said hurt me deep and from the emmotional rage i went through i ended up passing out for an hour. though now its thursday and im tired of every body leaving me alone so i typed him a note about how i feel and hopefully that will fix the emmotiional stuff at least, and i asked him if he was still planning on going to prom and that i didnt care if he still want to go with me but it will have to be as friends for now, because i told him that because of what he did i didnt think i could take him back. i mean sure we both were being stupid with our problems but the things he said to me (omg) so yeah thats were i stand at this moment.

well leigh is annoyed with me because shes stuck in between us but oh well. im trying to fix it at little bit at least. wahh.

well work was busy as usual and it wasnt even friday yet...(oh no its friday now) o.O well ive worked there for 3 years so i can take it...as long as i eat something so i dont get shaky and pass out. so um yeah.

I love my little tattoo. and yes i will try to get a picture of it soon. wow i need pictures of a lot of things huh. and some time this month i will be coloring my hair again. black and red and of course i need a hair cut too. yeah!

ok well i dont feel like skipping lunch again and i just wont sit with bryan till i feel good and ready, -whew- here i go now...off to lunch...yeah.

dont be your own bully.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007


im not feeling like a very happy camper today. well actually all this week so far.
my problem is that Bryan is being like any other dumb ass guy and then i have the normal dark moods that i get normally, so all together im in the most evilest darkest depts of hellish mood today that i cant stand any one around me besides my GOOD friends the elf and Rosa and Daphanee. and of course Bryan is asking me whats wrong and i dont want to tell him (i know bad communication) but i want him to find out the hard way.
first off he has been getting a jealous streak all this month even though im with my friends and not paying attention to him alone (help stupid their just friends) and now today he has been ignoring me and hanging out with this other girl who he said that he was helping with her homework, but then he walks her to class and doesnt even say bye or anything, RUDE! i dont mind that he hangs with 'friends' but to ignore me like he did just gave me that deadly shiver that i get whens somethings wrong. so if he continues this then i will just tell him that i want to see other people and when hes ready to get acting like the right guy then i will come back (he doesnt even drive yet, and hes older than me) o.O grr and the elf agrees with my decision too.

i got a butterfly tattoo on my lower right side of my back (ill get pictures) then i got mangas...DeathNote 7 & 9, Black Cat, Q-Ko-Chan 2, X-Kai 2, and Loveless 3 & 4. and of course i cant wait to get more. my collection of manga is still to small compared to Leighs. oh well just wait till i move out and can do whatever i want when i want too. ^_^
-old age here comes another- o.O

Crap the bell rang

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Monday, March 19, 2007

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i saw this on leighs thing and just had to do it too...

***100 Nosey Questions***

The Basics
Age: 18
Month of birth: october
Any Siblings?: 1
Parents still married?: yes
Occupation: depends on who im with and where I am
Do you like your job?: hell no McDonalds suck
Any pets?: yes a dog and chickens
Hair color: for right now black and blond and hopefully changing soon
Eye color: it changes... green, hazel, yellow, blue
Shoe size: 5 or 6
Any Tattoos?: YES I got one of a butterfly Tuesday over spring break
Any Piercings?: yes and going to get more
Current mood: tired and bored
Current wardobe choice: jeans, grey t-shirt and my black faerie jacket with my comfy brown zipper shoes
What are you listening to?: Lily Allens song Smile
Who did you last speak with on the phone?: Bryan
What do you currently smell like?: sweet pea


Movie you watched: Quick and the Dead (Bryan made me)
Magazine you looked at: um NewType
Thing you ate: potatoe bread
Book you read: forgotten realms windtalker
T.v. show you watched: gunslinger girls
Time you cried: cant remember…um kindergarden
Took a shower: last night
Got a real letter (a.k.a Snail Mail): ummm xmas card
Ate at a restaurant (not fast food): um Chinese food, does that count
CD you bought: I didnt buy it, but I got Flyleaf

What is/was....
The best thing to happen to you today?: I got to tell everyone about my tattoo
Your most prized possession: my books, you will never see me leave them behind
Your first vehicle: um does a tracter count
Your current vehicle: now I have a Honda civic 96
Your favorite quote: "ello poppet"
You bedtime (on average): 10
Your best trait/characteristic: what are you trying to get at
Your worst trait/characteristic: heh my bad temper

Do You....

Store things under your bed: old things
Daydream: yea
Have a computer at home: no
Live in the city, suburbs or country: *sigh* in the middle of nowhere
Live in a home, apartment, duples or mobile home: earthhome
Own a cell phone: yes
Have a good luck charm: no
Collect anything: manga baby!
Attend high school or college: high
Make good grades:average

Have You Ever....

Had a surgery?: no
Had teeth pulled?:no
Broke the law intentionally: um lets not go there o.O
Ran away from home?: yes
Broke a bone?: no
Cheated on a test/exam: of course
Had a friend pass away: no a good friend
Been issued a citation/traffic ticket: no im sneaky
Been in an auto accident: yes last year all because of a dog
Lied to someone: yep
Been lied to: yep, tho they dont realize i kno

Your Favorite....

Place to be: by myself or with friends
Place to visit: anywhere but home
Place to chill: in bed lol
Non-Alcoholic drink: apple juice
Alcoholic drink: rum, jack daniels
Type of food: bread
Meal/Food dish: grilled cheese
Dessert: jello
Shampoo & Conditioner: panteen
Toothpaste: umm whatever mom buys crest i think
Salad dressing: yuck
Ice cream: chocolate and vanilla and strawberry
Fast food establishment: sonic
Color: black and red and purple
Season: winter
Holiday: halloween and christmas and my b-day
Perfume/Cologne: my sweet pea and leighs vanilla
Video Game: Radiatta stories, final fanstasy, god of war, tenchu, and a lot more heehee
T.V. show: anime stuff and stargate and charmed
Smells: funny
Article of clothing: anything
Book: forgotten realms and anne rice
Children's Book: omg i love green eggs and ham!!
Candy: peanut butter m&ms
Car: jeep

Do You Believe....

In Karma: no
In God: sometimes
In Heaven & Hell: why not
That aliens exist (extraterrestrial variety, not illegal aliens):yes

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Friday, March 9, 2007

oh brother

i found out that some girl in our class died in a car accident so the teachers are letting the seniors do whatever they want today and its boring.
all i see aound me are people crying and its annoying. i hate seeing people cry and well i know that just sounds mean and soulless (which i am) but i cant help it. and at least im not saying this crap in front of the ones crying cus thats just rude.

so now lets see this day is boring and im stuck here and then i go home and then go to work...again. and then its SPRING BREAK so i wont be on till next monday the 19th.
i will miss you guys i dont really know what im going to do for that week besides Tuesday im going to this make-up party, so that might be fun. and then i getting new and actuall senior pictures on Saturday. so yeah.

anywho...so now im in the library with the elf and (god she keeps whinning about her back ground) haha yeah i like my back ground so im not changing it.

grr i still have to get gas in my car today since i still havent done so yesterday. o.O

ok so now im just babbling so i think i said what i can so i will take my leave.

Lifes like a dressing room, you have to change to survive.

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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

oh yeha its Tuesday not Thursday, what was i thinking huh.

well today there are 2 classes in here and so that means the library doors are locked and i have to continue getting up and opening the door for people and its annoying. gah! though with the doors locked that just means i dont have to do anything today but sit here...and answer the damn door. thank god for internet because with out it i would be so bored because i wouldnt feel like reading my Forgotten Realms book yet.

well i found out that Leighs mom is subbing for a computer teacher so i got to see her when i pass by. i love the elfs mommy shes awsome. ^_^
then at lunch i see Leigh making her way to our locker and she tells me that once her mom is on her prep hour shes taking her home because as it turns out she has strep-throat...again. well lately the elfs been pretty good at staying nonsick so for today its fine really.

for lunch Bryan got me my everyday apple juice and then a cheeseburger though it want that good it was dry and bland which isnt new for the school lunches but anyways i want my baked potatoe again or at least those Bosco sticks.

then lets see Thursday me and the elf have early release and since i leave one hour early everyday anyways it would be like having an early early release haha.

i need to find another job because i really dont feel like working at McDonals in summer again, since this June if i still work there by then it would make it my 3rd year there and im just sick of that place. its driving me up my stress level to risking red. and i dont want another job conserning food because i need away from food. like maybe if im able to (even though i doubt i get payed for it) i want to work at the wolf sancuary up in Eureka. but i dont know if that will happen though it would be fun to work with wolves since i just LOVE them so much. ^^

well tonight is American Idol night so im guessing mommy will want to watch that but hopefully i will try to get Bryan to come over or something and he can show me Hitman, his game he loves so much. though he of course will want to watch some movies, he knows a lot about actors and stuff. i just ignore him when he talks about stuff like that.

well i think the bells going to ring shortly so i will take my leave and maybe visit if i get time so take care kiddos.

Lifes like a dressing room, you have to change to survive it.

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Monday, March 5, 2007

hey look at what Bryan looked up for me, its one of my favorite songs. oh i love it!

A lonely mother gazing out of her window
Staring at a son that she just can't touch
If at any time he's in a jam
She'll be by his side
But he doesn't realize he hurts her so much
But all the praying just ain't helping
At all 'cause he can't seem to keep
His self out of trouble
So he goes out and he makes his money
The best way he knows how
Another body laying cold in the gutter
Listen to me

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and lakes that
You're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

Little precious has a natural obsession
For temptation but he just can't see
She gives him loving that his body can't handle
But all he can say is baby it's good to me
One day he goes and takes a glimpse
In the mirror
But he doesn't recognize his own face
His health is fading and he doesn't know why
3 letters took him to his final resting place
Y'all don't hear me


I seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone
Leavin' a trace of not one God-given ray
Is it because my life is ten shades of gray
I pray all ten fade away
Seldom praise Him for the sunny days

And like His promise is true
Only my faith can undo
The many chances I blew
To bring my life to anew
Clear blue and unconditional skies
Have dried the tears from my eyes
No more lonely cries
My only bleedin' hope
Is for the folk who can't cope
Wit such an endurin' pain
That it keeps 'em in the pourin' rain
Who's to blame
For tootin' caine in your own vein
What a shame
You shoot and aim for someone else's brain
You claim the insane
And name this day in time
For fallin' prey to crime
I say the system got you victim to your own mind

Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you


yes i will worship these lyrics because i love this song just that much. haha. oh and to think i was sad this morning because Bryan is skipping today because later he has a doctors appointment, but to reinsure me, he emailed me this and a cute little not. -giggles-
anyways saturday when i was over at his house i had jello and it was delicious, i think his parents like me. ^_^ thats always a plus.

i just got done reading the first book of the Forgotten Realms of the Daughter of the Drow. its good i like it and i had the elf check out the other two for me to read also.


ok all done i had mash potatoes and apple juice, yummmmy.

im planning on going to walmart for...something i forgot what i wanted to get. o.O
and then i hopefully can get Bryan come over tomorrow.

i feel like stoping here so i will go now and embed my self in the music of water falls. ^^

dont be your own bully.

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Friday, March 2, 2007


well lets see... it seems slow and well it could just very well be me because i dont know. Bryan keeps asking me whats wrong because im not acting like my ususal self but all that im able to tell him is that i need some time alone to think things over, and he asked me what kind of things because he wanted to help but i told him he cant i have to get over it myself. i think i might be getting depressed but i dont know if depressed people know they are or not, do they? god its just high school is just a drama world and everyone lives in everyones lives and its aggrivating but what can i do. i mean im not super girl. sure i have my happy day and well my normal in pain hurting days o.O but now im not to sure whats what at the moment (my emotions go off and on all the time) since i dont know how to show my emotions on the surface, they get conpressed inside and then i have this heavy burden on me that i dont know how to shake. ever since i moved here i have been felling like this every now and then and i think today is a little worse than i remember the last time. i have friends that wasnt to help (the elf knows me and how i deal things so she leaves me alone) but i dont think thats enough anymore, maybe my spirits just looking for a bit more in this life that its having trouble finding. i dont want to put anyone in a bad/sad mood because of me but im sorry every face i see in this school building reminds me of things i dont have or things i remember that i miss. last night i told mommy a bit about this stuff (she was sleepy i doubt she was even listening) and she asked me when did i start majorly noticing this feeling? and i told her after the breakup with Ozzy. and you know what she ended up telling me. she said that if this feeling started after the breakup then that means that i still have feelings for Ozzy and im surpressing those feelings and forcing it on myself and others and thats why i havent been totally like myseft lately. at first i denied it all but then she looked over at me with those motherly/sleepy eyes and told me im growing up. i still dont figure what that has to do with this but hey i will take whatever i can get at this point, like mommy and daddy tell me "your to excepting with life."

im not hurt at all today but thats probibly because i didnt work to hard at work last night because all they had me do was wash the dishes which was fun by the way. not i dont know how tonight will go for me but usually fridays are busy with the sports get dont with their games and then all the annoying teenagers come in. oh well i will suck it up like i always do. (sure that didnt sound depressing at all) at least the other employees that are working tonight will be the ones that i like and can have fun with. and then i can see my friend Justin because he was going to come visit me at work tonight too. woohoo may i have a cookie now.

saturday Bryan made me jello which means that i am going over there and eating it all up. (yum delicious) and then stay at his house for the rest of the day till diner.
then of course the every day same thing that happens every sunday...i work till i drop (literaly) because im working 8 hours and lately i have been working overtime which is exausting. -whew-


theres this guy i work with that every time he hears anime/manga he starts talking about perverted things and sex and well a lot of other crap. one day i asked him why he did that. he asked me if i wanted the real version or the fun version. i answered the real version and he said because japanese people revolve around porn and crap. o.O
anyways yeah um whatever.


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