Wednesday, October 25, 2006

they use me as a mere tool...

well since i have been posting my poems, i haven't updated about my days. it turns out it was actually @$$-smacking week at my school. and I got smacked 4 times... -_- at least it wasn't by a guy... -_- some of the guys got hit too. it was hilarious!!! ^^ but i have some bad news... -_- because we have been having so much homework and i have to take care of yearbook, i'm gonna stop going on for a few days or so. another reason why is that i'm helping so many people that i can't handle everything. so i have been very tired lately cuz i usually end up helping then then doing my homework late at night. there's also way to much pressure on me right now and i can't keep up. i mean i want to help them, but i feel like i'm being used as a mere tool. sometimes they don't even think about me cuz i'm the one to suffer. going sleep late and i get so tired in the morning going to school. i feel like i need to help them to return their help, favors, and the pain i may have caused them. but it's getting to a point where i can't stand it anymore. i kinda wish they would consider what happens to me as well as themselves. so i'm not going on for a while, probably a few days. i'm also not gonna talk on the phone or go on the computer unless it's for homework. i need some time to think and to stay away from certain people. i can't really take all this pressure and i'm getting frustrated and sleepy. so im gonna go to sleep now, so tired. thank you for commenting on my poem, i have already turn it in. my inbox is empty now, thanks for telling me that. i'll tried to visit ur sits as soon as possible. but for now, i'm gone for a few days. bye bye!!! i'll miss ya!

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

a poem: my favorite place...

thank you all for your advice, comments, and criticism on my other poem. well i changed it and this the one i'm going to turn in for a grade. i like it cuz it includes parts of my other poem, dealing with memories. i decided to change it because the other one made some poeple cry and i didn't want a person to read it. but i really like this one and i'm turning it in tomorrow 10/24. but i just want to know what you think. please be honest!!! i really appreciate this!!! My Favorite Place… My favorite place would be my mind. Where I dream impossible dreams, Think beyond words, Create images that cannot be seen in reality itself. Within my mind, I see pictures, Pictures of the past, present, and future. I play memories, both happy and painful, Seeing what has happen that cannot repeat. I can do so many things within my mind, Of some that I cannot do in reality. My mind is an escape from my everyday life, As well as a tool that is needed in everyday life. My mind is where I like to spend my time just thinking, Whether it is something that has happened or merely a fantasy. I find myself merged into the deep thoughts, dreams, and memories I have. Sometimes wishing that they would really happen. My mind is a wonderful place where I can explore. A perfect place that brings me happiness. However, this place exists only for me. For no one else can enter my mind, Except me. what do you think?

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Monday, October 23, 2006

My past...

i wrote this poem for a class assignment. it has to be about our favorite place and it could be a story, essay, poem, etc. i did a poem about my past. please tell me what you think cuz this is a rough draft. so i need to fix it and add more but i just want to see how it is or will i have to do it on something else like the mountains instead. i need advice and critism! please and thank you! i appreciate this! My past… My favorite place is my past I miss it very much The times when I was most happy I smiled because of that one person For that person made it so wonderful I love every moment of my past Although I can only be in my past within my mind I think of all the cheers and laughter that I felt My memories of my past are a bit painful I still like to think of it whenever I can Because the past cannot repeat itself I constantly wish that it would So my mind plays those images over and over I love it yet I hate it But it doesn’t matter I love my past either way As painful or joyful it was I think of it at least once every day For my favorite place would be my past

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Friday, October 20, 2006

halves of a whole...

a couple is a worth made of two halves... so, each of us is a half, incomplete. i was a half, but i found another half, and became a whole. then, my other half left me saying that he didn't want me to be hurt, and i became a half once more. i was incomplete and torn. it was painful to a point where i couldn't handle it anymore. i acted cold, like i didn't care, then i cried and started to be depressed. i felt all the happiness inside of me when i was complete, disappearing. i lost hope, thought i was abandoned, beban to think that evrything was a lie, that he didn't love me. it hurted me so much that i started making him hate me, hoping that it would be easier for me and that would be a better reason to survive by. but now i learned that it hurts even more for the one you love to hate you or ignore you. i can't expect more out of him nor can i wish for the past to repeat itself. i still care and it hurts but i want to do all i can do before it's too late. i'm scare that there will be a day where he will turn his back on me and our paths will never meet. but whether he still cares or not, i want to do i can do. everyone has been giving hints towards the truth, i'm afraid to know the truth though. i rather be left on the side for now, doing all i can to help without being notice. but i still wonder, if there is anything left to go back to...that may never be answered... ~another day passed, another painful memory

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

i hate myself for hurting him...

i guess i was wrong, i'm not over him yet. explain to me why it still hurts. why does it hurt just so much to be near him, talking to him, seeing him? i don't understand why i can't let go. he hurts me so easily in ways he doesn't know, his painful words that stab me. but he loved me once and that should be enough for me to survive. it's far to late for me to fix things and be with him once more. just rite now, he told me something that hurts me so much. i can't take it, all i do is make him sad. and i didn't mean to, i was trying to stop before i would get hurt again. i lost him and that's the truth. i didn't mean to, i can't be near him anymore. all i ever do is disappoint him. i guess i'll stay away from him before i do something else that i will regret. i'm sorrie that i hurted u again. i hate myself and the pain i have caused him. i only wish that i can turn back time and say no. that way, he won't be hurt. i want to stay away from him now, it'll be for his best. i really do hate myself. ~another day passed, another painful meomry

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another day in my life

i changed my background!!! wat u do think? it's kinda weird, isn't it? ~MY DAY: we had to jumprope today for PE... -_- why? cuz i can't jumprope with two people swinging the rope... -_- why? i'm scare and i don't have control and i can't jump in. -_- some of my friends took away my chuzzle, the little fluffy, squeaky thing i have. so i ended up chasing them to get it back. today was @$$-whoping day for some weird reason cuz everyone was hitting other people's @$$!!! haha, i didn't get hit. my school is weird. ~MY MOOD: hyper, sleepy, a bit sad, bored, quiet ~MY PROBLEMS: i have to give a 110% on my schoolwork and finish my homework by 7:00 or 8:00. because i made a deal with someone. and no it isn't a family memeber, but a friend or maybe he's not my friend. i don't know. the funny thing is that i'm not doing that deal because of "his benefit", but for my mom. long story. ~MY STORY: remember how my story about him? well, i'm almost over him or at least i hope. they seem perfect together and i'm interfering, so i'm backing out now. i just want to myself rite now and be a little more annoying, lol! but, i'm still sad inside but i guess i'm smiling more. that's it for today. i'm sorrie if i don't comment on ur sites today cuz too much homework and so little time. so bye for now!!! ~another day pass by, another memory that i have to survive...

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

it's been so long....

been awhile since i posted. lol anyways today was okay, i had a conference!!! it was about my grades and everyone has to go, and today it was my turn at 2:00. im failing, jk!!! i actually got A's in my core classes except pe, i don't know wat about that. so i'm happy. overall, with my "problem" (my sadness cuz of him and other stupid stuff), i'm okay!!! i'm pretty happy cuz i'm hyper. so when i'm hyper, i'm happy, weird concept. i get happy with too much chocolate, someone making me laugh a lot, and seeing birds!!! but my head hurts rite now, too much thoughts and confusion. anybody wanna help me? u don't have too and if u do want to, i don't know how u can. but oh well. anyways, do u know what i need rite now? a hug, just a plain simple hug. there's one that i really want, but highly doubt i'll get it. but i welcome any hugs, just need one. -_- wats up with u guys? is anything u want to know about me?

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

am i a puppet now?

to theotakufan: u asked me some questions. so i'm gonna answer them: ~my favorite movie: i don't really have one, sorrie ~my favorite color: grey and green ~do i watch naruto: kinda, i don't watch it alot, but i do like it...weird, huh? ~my grades: ...F's! no i'm kidding, A's. yes i'm a geek/nerd. lol i realized that my way of letting my feelings out is by crying at night. because my voice is just so small and i won't speak up to let others know how i feel, so i cry. then when mornings come, i smile a lot. that way i won't be sad during the day where people see me, and i won't make the people around me sad. when it's nighttime, i cry, and nobody would notice. but crying makes me happier. but like i said, i have accepted the past and that it is over. there are so many barriers around me, enclosing me. then sometimes i feel that i can't have an emotion. because if i'm sad, someone else gets sad. if i'm happy when i'm not, i'm lying to myself just to please someone. i can't be happy if i did something good, because i might make someone feel bad. then if i act cold, people think i'm mean. if i'm quiet, someone thinks something is wrong. so i can really be me and have my own emotion. then i feel useless when i can't help others. how can i possibly help others if i can't even help myself. suddenly evryone starts expecting things from me. i have to get my priorities straight. i know i have to help him still, but it's getting to a point where i can't handle it no more. it hurts but i can't show that either. i think i'm at my breaking point again. but then i can't show it, not to him.

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Friday, October 13, 2006

people are constantly trying to analyze me

TODAY IS FRIDAY THE 13TH, MY FAVORITE DAY!!!! is it urs? NOTE to Kogasgirl4ever: i wasn't sad yesterday on my post. my friend said that he was slowly dying and then i just wrote about that. i was like that though. TODAY: i don't know wat to type really. as usual, they are perfect together and i'm just interfering. well, i had fun today because for P.E., we had to do a routine of a Phillipino dance called tinkiling or something like that. we had to people create a beat with two poles and me and my friends had to dance without getting caught between the poles. i didn't explain it rite sorrie. well anyways, my friend told me that im gonna die in 7 days. lol if that were true, wat would u wanna say or ask me before i go? lol actually i wonder wat would "he" say, probably yah she leaving or something like that. but "he" is unpredictable. PROBLEMS: people still think i'm not "over him and/or the past", including him and it's funny. well cuz i'm over the past, i accepted it. i'm pretty much over him but i don't expect anything of him. then the reason why i care about him is because he's my friend. i care about my friends a lot obviously. then my friends think that i want him back and that i'm mean to him. i am kinda mean to him, but not really and i don't want him back cuz i don't expect it from him. so it's pretty funny. but i don't care. QUESTIONS: is there anything u wanna know about me? (fav. color, my personality, etc.) u can pick more than one! *yes, my life is full of drama, rite Kogasgirl4ever?* thank you everyone for ur answers on yesterday's post. i think death is something that fate has already decided for us. to me, death is something that happens, it's just a matter of time and it can be decision to speed the time. fate is something that sets our lives but it has many paths to it. so it's just our choice of which path we take and fate had decided wat is at the end of each path. sorrie that this post is SO LONG!!! love ya guys a lot!!! *huggies*

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

what is death and its meaning?

death: (noun) the permanent cessation of all vital functions in an animal or plant some who find life as punishment think of death as a postive thing, an escape. others find death as a tragic thing, something horrible, something they are afraid of. i find death as something fate has in store from us. there are some who says that they are dying. i ask is that even possible? how can u be dying yet still surviving? do these people find death as a good thing or bad? i don't think that they are dying, i think they are suffering. i find that there is a difference. death could bring both happiness and sadness, mostly sadness though. i find death as a tragic thing but im not afraid of it. i just don't want those around me to get hurt even without my existence. i can't bare to hurt them. so is death the best solution? no, i dont think so. but something it is something death but u will have to experience that urself. however, i dont wat u to try unless fate had decided ur time and u cant change it. i hope those who want to choose death to think it over before choosing it. think of who it will affect. unless u have an illness and death is only ur escape from the pain ur through. but a miracle can still happen. fate is really unpredictable. QUESTIONS: what is death to you? wat is ur meaning of death? wat does fate mean to you?

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