myOtaku.com: Clair Chanteur
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Habits (from my secret journal)
| Habits Jan 16, '08 1:08 AM|
The Faded Photos is the Old Journal.
The Faded Photos is the Rewind Button.
The Faded Photos is the Permanent Marker.
The Faded Photos is the Mistake, Regret.
The Faded Photos is the Obscure Writing.
Six years ago, the faded photos would have made me giggle and smile.
Three years ago, the photos would have made me cringe and utter words of profanity.
Now, the photos make me remember but feel nothing. ...And everything.
It was like seeing someone I've known for so long in an entirely new light. It was as if I were seeing him for the first time. and yet I was not. I was seeing an old friend-turned-enemy-turned-stranger and it was like seeing him for the first, yet last time.
To completely (and I mean completely) let go of someone is not as easy as it seems. Sure you go on for a couple of years without ever thinking (well okay, occassionally at the very least!) about that someone, but then there would come a time when one would wonder. Then one would be unable to control the succeeding actions -- checking everyother site for updates and whatnot, and/or checking blogs and other sites with profiles. =/ It's pathetic, really.
But then one comes to find that after all this time, it really was just a habit. And when one sees the photos, there's nothing there, not even a glimpse of whatever was once there.
Seeing him was really like seeing a stranger with whom I feel a sort of familiarity with. It doesn't make sense but believe me, I couldn't explain it much more than that.
Things turned out okay in the end anyway. It really was just my curiosity that got the better of me. So much for getting through more than a couple of years. I suppose it's better now that I've taken a look. Now I know there's nothing left to be worried about.
It was just what it is -- a habit.