Play
wonderland online!
First off...I'm sick...
I got the cold my youngest brother had, only I seem to have it even worse, nya. I've shivering and sneezing and coughing and puking and hardly breathing and so half-living off of my inhaler.
And I'm supposed to work a 6 hour shift in ... 9 hours.
Anyways...onto what's really bothering me.
I've literally been through hell these past 7 or 8 months. I got into a relationship with a woman and even though I was heavily abused physically, emotionally, mentally...I let it go on for just over 6 months. Why? Why did I do it...I don't even know...I lost so many friends from it...I've lost so much money because of it... I'm still losing money because of it... I was beaten and raped but...
I don't even know anymore.
Some friends I was really close with have left me in the dust like we never had anything at all. No, worse than that. Like I don't exist and never did. All I want is to be loved ... I have so many "acquiescences" and "colleagues" but all they serve to do is break my heart more and more each day. I have like 3 or 4 actual real friends...but even out of them I feel like there's only 1 I can really show MYSELF to...whoever that is. I was so scared because I broke down in front of her and my newest close friend the other day. *breaks down crying* But they just held me and listened to me and in doing so did more for me than anyone's done in a long, long time.
I'm so scared...everyday. Since my boyfriend and I have gotten back together...sometimes it seems like all we talk about is sex and I'm so scared because I don't want to be touched...yet I want to be touched...I want him to touch me because I love him completely yet I never want to be touched because I keep re-living my ex-girlfriend and my brother beating me up and hurting me. I'm dealing with a bit of post traumatic stress disorder and I just dun know what to do...
And I hate family counseling because all it does is make me relive everything as my brother tells the counselor that he got violent because he hates me.
And yet I live with my family...because I don't have a choice. I don't have any friends I can stay with, I can't afford to live on my own, and I can't stay in a shelter because I already have a job...little hours and pay as it is...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to the world to rant like this, whether anyone reads it or not.
I just...want to disappear.
