|
myOtaku.com
• Join Today!
My Pages
• Home
• Portfolio
• Guestbook
• Quiz Results
Vitals
Gender
•
Female
Location
• ....what are you..a stalker?..
Member Since
• 2004-12-21
Occupation
• Wanderer
Personal
Anime Fan Since
• dont know
Favorite Anime
• No one can have one Fav. they are all cool!
Goals
• To always be me and never change
Hobbies
• Swordsmanship Drawing amine swords and reading
Talents
• poetry, swords, and hiding what this one whants to be hidden
|
|
|
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Saving a little bit of Sanity
Today I stopped and watched the distasteful snow drift onto the already white ground. How can I stand this? How had I come to accept that this is all that I had? This dismally elegant place that had a glazed smile on everything here. I cant stand it. But I do. Everyday I go to school here. Everyday I talk to the people here. Everyday I laugh along with other people here. But nothing feels right. My social skills have run down the drain. I cant even have a good conversation any more. I'm losing my sense with reality. Nothing’s right anymore. I'm not right. The only thing that I know is right is my church, and I don’t even feel at home there. I just want to go home. I know, I know; I don’t have one right now. Everything’s changed in California, and Utah has never been my home. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I find myself day dreaming constantly, and my work never seems to get done. I’m all ways talking about me, just like I am doing now; and I don’t listen enough. Its like since I never hang out with anyone its all ways about me whenever the chance comes because I cant find some one’s ears that want to listen; just ones that want to talk. And so, I listen. But my mouth wants to be free. I write and type but my hands have a bit too much freedom. They aren’t restricted by anything. They don’t wave to say hi, they don’t ever come in contact with any one else’s; they have nothing to worry about. No one hears them. No one hears what’s behind a mask because it’s the eyes that judge and then our ears. Right now, I’m just venting into cyberspace because if I vented in reality it wouldn’t make a difference. I’m here to help other people. That’s it right? To help. I’ve never seen death as an answer. Death is there, but it would be permanent. It isn’t the answer. But no one knows what the real answer is. They just have it. But I don’t even know what the problem is. What caused the pain was a question I have had ever since I had gotten the pain; for as long as I could remember, and even before that. Things like this don’t seem right. They aren’t right. What else is there? What makes things this way? People give solutions all the time and you know what? I have already been doing those things all this time and even though I have decided that I just wasn’t doing them well enough and had just tried harder, things were the same. They would always be the same. I could try and try and try and do better than any one else I knew existed but it would never help me. Some things were never going to change. Ever. What keeps us going? Helping people. It’s the best thing to do. To do things people wanted and needed me to do. That’s all. Some one had asked me to do it and here I am. Maybe things weren’t right but that was ok. No one has a good life anyways. So, just stop whining and get over it right? Right? Right. And even if the sun refuses to shine, even if it hurts, no matter what I’ll see that there is something good. I’ll find it. I will. And nothing is going to stop me. Right? I hardly exist, who is going to really even care? I hate going on and on and on like this, but right now, I think its my cure since I cant seem to find a different one.
Comments
(1)
« Home |
|
