Sunday, February 3, 2008
Saving a little bit of Sanity
Today I stopped and watched the distasteful snow drift onto the already white ground. How can I stand this? How had I come to accept that this is all that I had? This dismally elegant place that had a glazed smile on everything here. I cant stand it. But I do. Everyday I go to school here. Everyday I talk to the people here. Everyday I laugh along with other people here. But nothing feels right. My social skills have run down the drain. I cant even have a good conversation any more. I'm losing my sense with reality. Nothingís right anymore. I'm not right. The only thing that I know is right is my church, and I donít even feel at home there. I just want to go home. I know, I know; I donít have one right now. Everythingís changed in California, and Utah has never been my home. I donít know what Iím looking for. I find myself day dreaming constantly, and my work never seems to get done. Iím all ways talking about me, just like I am doing now; and I donít listen enough. Its like since I never hang out with anyone its all ways about me whenever the chance comes because I cant find some oneís ears that want to listen; just ones that want to talk. And so, I listen. But my mouth wants to be free. I write and type but my hands have a bit too much freedom. They arenít restricted by anything. They donít wave to say hi, they donít ever come in contact with any one elseís; they have nothing to worry about. No one hears them. No one hears whatís behind a mask because itís the eyes that judge and then our ears. Right now, Iím just venting into cyberspace because if I vented in reality it wouldnít make a difference. Iím here to help other people. Thatís it right? To help. Iíve never seen death as an answer. Death is there, but it would be permanent. It isnít the answer. But no one knows what the real answer is. They just have it. But I donít even know what the problem is. What caused the pain was a question I have had ever since I had gotten the pain; for as long as I could remember, and even before that. Things like this donít seem right. They arenít right. What else is there? What makes things this way? People give solutions all the time and you know what? I have already been doing those things all this time and even though I have decided that I just wasnít doing them well enough and had just tried harder, things were the same. They would always be the same. I could try and try and try and do better than any one else I knew existed but it would never help me. Some things were never going to change. Ever. What keeps us going? Helping people. Itís the best thing to do. To do things people wanted and needed me to do. Thatís all. Some one had asked me to do it and here I am. Maybe things werenít right but that was ok. No one has a good life anyways. So, just stop whining and get over it right? Right? Right. And even if the sun refuses to shine, even if it hurts, no matter what Iíll see that there is something good. Iíll find it. I will. And nothing is going to stop me. Right? I hardly exist, who is going to really even care? I hate going on and on and on like this, but right now, I think its my cure since I cant seem to find a different one.