Wednesday, February 11, 2004

   Legal Crap for the Improvement of Society

Brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits and the Ketchup Advisory Board (with apologies to my dear Prairie Home Companion, as always)... Legal Crap for the Improvement of Society, Part One: The Dumbass Protection Disclaimer Put yourself in this scenario. You get hungry one rainy afternoon. You think, "gee, One of those Campbell's soup things that you can microwave and then take with you and drink wherever you go would really hit the spot right now!" So, you go the store, buy some soup, microwave it, then drive home, humming happily to yourself the theme from Mission: Impossible. You turn a corner. Just a little too sharp. Your precious soup goes flying out of the cup and all over your lap. "SHIRT, THAT SOUP IS FREAKING HOT!" You scream as you swerve off the road, run a stopsign, and screech to a scalded halt on the sidewalk. Who would have guessed that soup could be hot after you heat it? Why didn't anyone tell you? Why didn't, peradventure, Campbells appropriately label their microwaveable soup containers, allowing people like you to be aware that, after you heat your soup, it will be hot? Lawsuit time. Thus, the creation of that infamous label that actually makes an appearance on Campbell's Soup-At-Hand: "Caution: This product will be hot after heating." Upon reading this warning label, I started to wonder, how dumb must society be when we cannot take responsibility for the fact that, yes, our soup might just be hot after we heat it? In light of this... I suggest the implementation of a "Dumbass Protection Disclaimer." This would be a little added protection to companies who make things like soup, or coffee, or mattresses that some people may feel inclined to swallow, or chainsaws that some people may feel inclined to try to stop with their hands or genitalia. A Dumbass Protection Disclaimer would limit the liability of the company in cases involving people being... well, dumbasses. For example, someone trying to stuff one's head into a GameCube would count as a dumbass, as would someone trying to inhale or consume a 1-ton block of lead. In this case, I think the term "dumbass" would encompass anyone who does not realize one of four things: one, that after you heat liquid, it becomes hot; two, that a mattress will not fit down your throat; three, that wearing a Batman costume will not allow you to fly (especially when Batman himself can't fly... go figure); and four, that if a chainsaw can slice through wood, it can probably slice through human flesh just as easily. Any other definitions of "dumbass" may be considered subjective and will be left to the court to decide. Dumbasses (or their insurance agencies) will be required to pay for all damages they cause, and may be subject to higher insurance rates. A standard Dumbass Protection Disclaimer may run along the lines of the following: "This Company is hereby exempt from any liability in regards to damage caused, should the purchaser use This Company's products in any manner that any intelligent human being could recognize as self-destructive. Legal Jargon. Legal Jargon. Legal Jargon. If you have ever once tried to fit your head inside a GameCube, DO NOT SUE US IF YOU HURT YOURSELF. YOU WILL NOT WIN." ... Thank you very much. *tumbles offstage*

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