Saturday, October 14, 2006

poem
What Happened Today

Today I heard something that made me want to die
But in a way I knew that it was what I had always
Pretended I had wanted
And I guess I really do want it
Because at least it means he's happy
But today when I heard something
I felt something inside
Like a flower
Once a rose
Wither and die
And a rope inside me slowly began
To tie itself into a knot
But by that afternoon
I had almost forgot

But today I remembered
Something that made me want to cry
During a carefree hour
Filled with friendship
Love
And leisure
I just suddenly remembered
And I stopped right there
I stopped going where I was walking
And I just stood there and stared
At the ground which doesn't let me go beneath it
Straight to hell
At the ceiling which would not give way
To let me go above the sky
Straight to heaven
Hell or heaven, I don't care
Never will I find him there
Hell or heaven, what's the difference
When my life is just indifference?
And I felt that rope inside me
Yank back into a knot
And by the time it was evening
I hadn't yet forgot

But today I was reminded of the surreal need to die
And as I was walking I knew that I should stop
I knew what would happen
But I didn't even hesitate
Even though I foreshadowed who would be there
It's as though I didn't care
That I was walking straight to death
And soon enough I found it
And I saw him at once
And I pretended not to
But he was with people who wanted to talk to me
And there was a boy who was my friend
And he said hello
And there was a girl who was my friend
And she gave me a hug
And it was so awkward
Because no one ever hugs me
And then I saw him watching me
The boy who was not my friend
The boy who could have been
But the boy who never was
The boy who never will be
The boy who, today, did kill me
And left my blood to feed the grass
As I hastily walked past
Because I knew that he would not like it
If I chose to stay
So I had to walk away
And I left so I was far away
Then I bent down
And felt myself fall into a million pieces
And lie, dead, in the running water
Like a giant, shattered mirror
I didn't know what to do
But then my friends drew near
But he was not with them
And I immediately knew why
I felt so sad and cold inside
Because I knew why
All I want is to die
Then he would be gone from me
And I gone from him
It's all that he wants for me to be gone
It's all that he needs for me to be dead
It's all that I need to fulfill his needs
But how can I even try
With all these voices in my head?
Tell me to do this and that
Nanda kanda
Blah blah blah
Nothing never makes no sense
Because I can't hear
Through these voices in my head
Because it would all be better
If I just wound up dead
And I felt the knot inside me tighten
Until it was taut
And by the time that it was nighttime
I still hadn't forgot

Today I was reminded of what I knew from the start
I'm never good for anything
And I need to die
But just think of all the people who I would disappoint
Think of all the people whose lives I complete
Instead of destroy
Think of all the things I haven't done yet
Think of all the things I have
They are all such memories that the whole world envies
How can I give them up?
How can I hurt the people who love me?
How can I make these people wonder what inside me went wrong?
How can I make these people go out of their minds
Thinking it's their fault?
What about the creatures that just won't understand
All these things around me need me
All these things around me care
How can I abandon them?
What will they do without me there?
Why is life so wonderful that I just don't want to die?
Why is life so full of things that need completion?
And attention?
What about the people who still need my help?
What about the people who still need me to show them this and that?
Nanda kanda
Blah blah blah
Someday something will make sense
And I need to give these people around me what they need
But I can't satisfy everyone
Certainly not myself
But I want to die!!
There's still this knot inside me
And it's fighting suicide
The only one who can untie it is the one who pulls it tighter
He wants me to die
He needs me to die
And I want him to be happy
I want him to be satisfied
And so I have to die
But is he more important than everything that loves me?
Is he more important than everything I love?
The knot inside me pulls so tight
And he pulls tight the knot
But it never breaks
I guess it forgot

Today I understand what true madness feels like
But I will not go insane
All that I have ever done is hurt myself for other people
My arm is full of scars and it doesn't need any more
I can't even read them any more
What does it say? What did it say? This name, that name?
Nanda kanda
I don't care
Nanda kanda
Sit and stare
I won't let this one man dominate me
Even though I know he should
I think I'll go against him
And not give him what he wants
I don't care
He can't hate me any more than he does
He claims that he doesn't care
Because all that he is good for is pretending to be neutral
And at first I fell for it
But I see through him now
I know him too well
And we've never even talked
Because he hates me with a passion
And even though he denies it
I know how he feels
Because I see through him like glass
I guess it goes to show
That he's not really worth that much
Even though he means the world to me
He's not really worth that much
O, well
He's got HER now
And that's all that began it
Now I have to comply
Now I have to play along
Play his stupid games
And sing his stupid songs
Just sit there and be pretty
And give him what he wants
And ask nothing in return
Just let him abuse me
Someday we both will burn
And it's really just as well
Because there's just one hell
Well, I guess HE'S happy
Because it all worked perfectly
And, as usual, just the same
As the last time that I sat there
And played someone else's stupid games
Now I hate them both
Even though they are my life
They made my life a hell
And I fell for it again
But at least this one's in it with me
And I'm not letting go
Till I drag him down below
To the only place he can't get away
And he'll be sorry because
I could have pushed him upwards
So even though you crave
To see the blood flow spelling out his name
Just sit down and shut up
And play the same old stupid game
Just keep telling yourself that one day
It'll all pay off
If you're stupid enough to keep at it
Then you deserve the loss
Yeah, [name obliterated], it worked
Now I hate you, too
So for now I just won't die
But the knot inside me tightens
And I still want to be dead
So I kick it, yell
And then go back to bed

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