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Thursday, April 27, 2006


I can't say this enough...thanks for your support and kind words, all of my friends!! ^^ *hugs to everyone again* I think I'd be deep in depression if I didn't have you guys there to, you know, boost my self-confidence and stuff. ^^ Ok, but enough complaining about my bad "friends." I have to say why I'm terribly tired today!

Last night, it was absolutely horrible...I was startled awake by the disturbing, annoying, and frightening sound of my neighbor's house alarm. I've been traumatized by that sound every since I was little when my dad would forget to unset it and he'd go oustide...setting it off. Anyhoo, this happened at around 2:30am. The alarm continued on for about 20 minutes or so before we got the call from the alarm place making sure everything's ok because our neighbor usually isn't home. She's almost 60 years old, goes out with boyfriends often, and is a drinker.

Now then, the alarm is still going off, and we get another call from the alarm place saying that the cops got there and they can't reset the alarm to turn it off. My dad gets up and goes over there, which is dangerous cause we didn't know if someone broke in or what! So when we comes back, he tells us what happened....our neighbor came home then, drunk as ever, with her boyfriend, and without her key...so she was trying to "find" another way in. ^^; Well, that was through the garage, which set off the alarm!! And because she didn't have her house key, she couldn't go in to turn it off. Anyhoo, the moral of the story is that I'm tired, and I'm amused at how stupid she was...being drunk and without a key with her boyfriend at age 60. That's something I hope I never become.

Okie-dokie, that's my little story of what happened last night. Very stupid and annoying...causing me to get little sleep. On other note, I'm thinking of changing my bg, should I? If I do, should it be something dark or something heavenly again?

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Thanks. *hugs* I'm glad to know that some people see me as a good friend and not annoying. ^^; I'll definitely talk to you, angel kitsune, along with my other friends that offered when I have problems. Wow...I can't believe I stayed silent all day!! I didn't talk once! Man...it's pretty darn hard though. I'm exhausted from not talking!

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Day of Silence today. I'm actually faring pretty well. ^^; I'm carrying around a litte notebook with me everywhere and just writing down everything I wanna say. My friends don't really like it though...cause a lot of them aren't participating, so they want me to talk but I can't! It's for a good cause though...so it's ok. ^^ It's actually quite fun!

I must say...that I dont think I was meant to have many friends in person. Another one of my friends (whom I thought to be one of my "best" friends) said that I was "annoying." Except this time it wasn't cause I cared too much...it was because I was telling her about my "ex-friends" that completely ignored me and excluded me from everything they did. I told her about it only once before, and now she thinks that it's "tedious" to listen to me and that I'm "annoying." She's always talking about stuff relating to her, and I usually just listen and, you know, give her my comments and advice...she even said to me that I hardly talk about myself and my past and whatnot, so the one time I mention something/complain, she says that I'm annoying. Instead of being sympathetic, she just is extremely blunt and practically takes the side of the people that excluded me. See, I just was never meant to have friends...at least not more than 2. That's why I love you guys so much! At least you guys care! *sob* It's not fair...how come "friends" always see something really annoying or bad about me?? Am I just not allowed to say anything? Just stand there quietly the whole time? I don't get it.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

no words

Okay, instead of adding this on to my previous post...cause that would make it even longer. (but that doesn't excuse you from reading it!! don't be afraid just cause it's a long paragraph! ^^; ) Anyhoo, tomorrow's the Day of Silence. In case you don't know what that is, it's basically a protest against the unfair treatment of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender peoples. I'm participiating in it, so that means I'm not gonna talk all day tomorrow! It's going to be hard...well, especially with my friends, but I'm a supporter so I can do it. ^^ Just thought I'd let you guys know about that in case you didn't know already.

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selfish sacrifice and failure

Thanks sooooo much, you guys, for everything you've said regarding my last posts. *hugs to everyone*

I guess I just get freaked out when one of my friends says stuff like, "I hate my life. I want to die." etc. I've had so many friends like that...some who have attempted suicide several times, some who haven't, and some that actually did commit...it's a very difficult thing, you know, everything involving this subject. It's a very sad thing to see people my age and younger saying that they want to end their lives...I mean, I've had feelings like that several times, but not to the point where I'd actually want to kill myself. I'm afraid of dying. It's not something I want to do...especially so early in life. I apologize to those who might take offense, but I believe that suicide is a selfish act. Those that feel that they have the worst life in the world are only thinking about themselves...and they think that no one would care if they died, but of course that's not true. They don't think about others that are in worse situations in life, but then again...how can you when you're surrounded by such darkness? When your mind is so clouded with thoughts and feelings that corrupt it? So I can understand those that feel that way...but death is not the answer. I think that life, no matter how hard, is still better than death.

Ok...sorry you guys for being all depressing and writing a whole essay on suicide, but I just had to get this off my chest. I've felt that I've failed some of my friends who have gone through those helpless feelings...so I want to help as much as possible.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Well, it seems that most people focused on the rain part of my last post...but whatever. Reki, I know you didn't! Same with you, Sosuke! And angel kitsune, too, of course! ^^ The person I wanted to have read the poem, read my last post...but I don't think she quite understood that the poem was sorta geared towards her. *hint, hint* I won't name names, but I hope that she knows that I care. *sigh* Well, it doesn't matter...I doubt anything I say will do anything anyway. Plus, I tend to be labeled as "nosy" and "annoying" when I get caring like this. I care too much. Should I just stop? Maybe that would make things better. I don't know.

Well, to all of my friends--I care deeply about you and want you to live your lives to the fullest...and treasure each day that you're alive. *hugs* Back to working on stupid projects...man, I get way too side-tracked on here. ^^;

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It's thunderstorming right now, and I'm in school. I just wanna sleep...or go outside and stand in it. I can do neither, unfortunately. Now then...as for my poem, I hope that everyone gets a chance to read it. It's also on angel kitsune's site. Too bad a lot of my "friends" that have been having problems don't talk to me anymore anyway...so they have no clue that I wrote a poem describing my feelings of wanting to help them. *sigh* I just hope that my words reach someone and save them. To those that did read it, I thank you for thinking so highly of it, but most of all I thank you for just reading it. It means a lot to me. If anyone would like more encouraging poems/passages, go to Paintwriter's site because she's quite talented in that area. *nods* So to all my friends...*hugs* I hope that your days go well. I have a ton of work to do all this week...so it really sucks. I know I'm going to want to put it all off and just quit, but I can't. ^^;

I've always said that I hated writing...but that's not always the case. Sometimes feelings and thoughts just come to my mind and urge me to write them down. Most of the time I don't...but last time I did. So every once in a while now, you might find a poem or a stream of consciousness here...if it just comes to me, that is.

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Yeah...*blush* I wrote that poem...it was pretty much what was on my mind and what I was feeling. Sometimes I just get this rush of feelings that I wanna write down...and they end up like that. Thanks, Angel Kitsune, for posting it on your site, too. I'm glad that you liked it...I hope that my feelings reach my friends...cause I have so many that feel like they want to die. I just wanna help them out.

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To everyone in the world that has troubles,
to everyone in the world that feels their life should end,
to everyone in the world that loves yet is unloved,
to everyone in the world whose mind is clouded,
to everyone in the world who's lost someone,
to everyone in the world that wants to fall,
to everyone close to me that has those feelings,
and to everyone who's far away--
I'm sorry. I care.
I want to help you, but I know I can't.
Let me be your wings, let me be your warmth.
Let me carry you a bit longer...because I care.
I want you to know that I'm sorry
Because I know that my words can't help.
When your feelings of hopelessness are that deep,
it's not easy to be saved, but I want to help.

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Saturday, April 22, 2006

It's all nice and rainy here...and it's gonna rain all day everyday until monday or something!! ^^ Thanks you guys for encouraging/sympathizing with me about my stupid teacher and work and about my friends...who do need help. ^^; I hope things work out for them, somehow. Thanks, Reki! You're such a great friend!! *hugs*

Well, nothing really going on today. My brother went in to fill out paperwork and stuff at his new job, but it turned out that the manager that was supposed to help him with that stuff wasn't there, so he had to talk to this other guy. This other manager dude was a complete idiot though!! He spent 40 minutes trying to figure out his password to get into the thing to fill out the paperwork info! So my bro's gonna have to go in tuesday again to actually be shown around and stuff...

I'll have to work on some of that stupid school work sometime...but I sure don't want to. ^^; Seriously nothing else important to say. I hope you guys have a good day! ^^

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