Monday, May 15, 2006

And now, the first actual post I've written in weeks!

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Behold.

Now, I need some counseling. But I don't feel like talking to a shrink, so I'll talk to you guys.

Erhm, it all started when I was born...

My family is one of the most dysfunctional you'd find in upper-middle class white suburban america. Most likely for the reason that we're lower-middle class and not quite white...
Because of these things, I have developed a few personality stipulations. Yes, the word "stipulations" shouldn't have been used there, but I think it sounds cool. I should have used the word "glitch", but I am me. Deal with it.

Ever since I was nine months old, I was essentially ignored. This is probably because after that, my sister was around.
Yeh, my parents got kinda busy.
With my brother and sister to preoccupy them, my parents forgot about poor Ari. I suffer from what I like to call MCS, Middle-child syndrome, although it doesn't make me strive for getting attention or make me a loner. Because of other things, I am the exact opposite of those instances.

But anyway, it's also because of being the youngest child that my sister gets all of the attention from my Mom and Dad (usually). This gave her the notion that she was always a lot prettier than me, which I know because she has expressed this quite a few times. She used to call me fat as well, but now that she's gotten twenty pounds heavier than me she doesn't have the grounds to say that. (Reason for eating disorder). It also gives me quite an inferiority complex since I'm the lowest on the "food chain" of my house.

Also connected to that is the fact that everything that happens, I get blamed for. EVERYTHING. My Mom even constantly calls me a failure, although I was never close to my Mom or my sister. There's all these lectures about how I need to be better, how I'm never good enough. I am who I am though, I'm not going to change that, but I think some part of me wants to please my Mom and that's why I try so hard in school. I do have a strong internal drive to get good grades though, so it may not have anything to do with that at all. More causes for my inferiority complex.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was a kid. I still miss my Dad very much, I see him two times during the week and stay at his house every other weekend. We get along muuuuch better than me with my Mom. I am very dependant and tend to show signs of separation anxiety associated with people I'm close to.

As with my Dad, I am very close to my brother, so I have a perpetual tendency to be friends with guys. But, since a lot of friends, usually males, have left me over time, I also distrust them most. Although they seem to even out, it's more like... when I meet a maleish person, it takes me a long time to trust them, but when I do I trust them a lot. Yep, something like that.

My Mom also constantly threatens and tries to take my things away, seemingly just to make me suffer. (She's taken away my computer, video games, and camera for extended periods of time just because I did what I always do. Makes no effing sense.)

I guess that's all I can think of for now...

Oh, I should tell you, there's a weird ignoring cycle that goes on with me and my family every day. Especially with my Mom. It goes a little something like this...
Ignore : I am ignored for a long period of time. I am generally the most happy during this time.
Bash : Criticize Ari, this usually happens when people get mad at me doing my regular routine (I don't know why it randomly causes problems! ><) It goes from being specific to being very broad, yelling at me for everything bad I've ever done and calling me a horrible person. After the first ten minutes, I get numb to it.
Console : (which actually makes me upset and depressed) Give Ari too much attention, trying to make her feel better because you suddenly feel bad for bashing her so much. Ari is numb so she doesn't care.

Then the cycle repeats.

The Console stage is by far the worst of all. For example, this cycle happened last night. I got yelled at for 30 minutes by my Mom, then I went outside to think about some things for a while. She suddenly changed her mind about me being worthless and yells at me to get inside because it's not healthy for me to be outside (more like, if I die it's your fault?) I told her to leave me alone. But instead, she smothers me with attention, so much so it makes me want to vomit even when I think about it. My sister promptly comes in with her stupid "I know everything because I'm a teenager" mentaility and says I'm just going outside because I want attention. GODDAMNIT! I WANT JUST THE OPPOSITE YOU STUPID EMO WHORE! (Has a lot of rage right now) Hey, you're shrink-people, I'm allowed to get my anger out on you. :3
After I looked at the sky for 10 minutes, interrupted by my Mom at least 6 times, I went upstairs. She followed me. SHE FUCKING FOLLOWED ME. You don't follow me when I want to be alone. That should be considered common sense, but no, not to the retarted Mother. In fact, I'm still pissed about it. Anyway, I brushed my teeth and washed my face, while she hovered over me, asking if I was depressed/suicidal and wondering why I showed no emotions at all. Dude, I don't think she'd even care if I died. Stop acting all dramatic and leave me alone like normal. Then I went to bed... in which she kept on coming in my room to talk to me. FUCKER, LEAVE ME ALONE. Yes, I would have screamed that if I could feel any emotions. She doesn't take a fucking hint, and if I am depressed, a large part of it is how she's "nurtured" me for the past 15 years.

Well, that was a lot of typing.

Now, even though I'd rather be at school than my hellish home... school's anything but heaven.
People hate me so much that they throw stuff at me. Things like pencils, pens, empty bottles and cans, as well as food during luch. That's what I get for being multi-racial and too passive I guess.
I also have to endure people constantly caling me fat, stupid, and ugly. At least I don't get into any fist fights any more. That stopped around the beginning of middle school *yey*.
I don't know exactly why everyone who's lived here with me since I started school hates me. It seems that my only friends have moved here from somewhere else....

Ugh, I'm such a Meg. No one likes me. I'm gonna end up the old lady all alone with 20 cats... and even the cats will hate me. They'll only come to me to get food.

Prognosis?

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I saw The Brothers Grimm and Spanglish over the weekend. They're both good movies, go watch.

Uhh... I'm sowwie Kabu...

My brother's taking me to a RHCP and TMV concert in October. He's sho nice! *huggles him long distance*

This new song is aimed at a lot of people, and besides, it sounds pretty cool.

I wish I had Naruto's sexy no jutsu... *sigh*
Love, Me...?

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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