Wednesday, January 18, 2006

There's no one like you...

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Well, midterms this week. I'm 2/3 done, have two more to do tomorrow... I think I did alright so far.

Besides that, not much has been going on in my life.

My new theme seems to contradict itself... but that's the way I like it. I have only kept a few things the same, like my avatar...

Besides studying and taking tests, in the background of everything, my brain's been teaching my heart how to love better.

Which is kind of ironic, but woe is me.

As I spaced out during my Advanced Algebra Midterm, staring at the snow being blown around outside, I realized something. It was as if my my heart was done learning, "download complete", or something analogous to that. He was the only thing on my mind, and I realized how lonely he must feel, and I realized I had to let go.

And that quote I've had in my intro so long... it finally makes sense to me. Nick, I can forgive you for being the reason I cried, but I can't let you give up things you want for my benefit, and I especially can't let you hurt yourself for me.

Holding you down is only obsessing... and the stupid thing's I've done... cannot be changed. I will still pray for you every day before I go to sleep, you will always have a place to stay in my heart, I won't let anyone take it down, if you ever want to come back to me it will always be here with me. I will always have faith in you, I will always believe in you. I will always try to help you, I will never have doubt in you, I will never give up on you. I will always stay loyal to you, you won't be replaced. I'll never forget about you, and I'm sure the moon and the snow and the sun and the sky and polar bears and bananas and cows and everything else will still remind me of you ^ ^, so you'll probably always be on my mind, whether directly or indirectly. You'll always be the person who I think is the most special out of anyone ever! I will always love you...

I have realized that the love is caring, selfless, giving, supportive, helping, and other things of that nature... but what I've been saying in love is the exact opposite, but only recently have I been able to separate the love and the obsession, since for me, there seems to have always been a thin line between the two. Obsession is selfish, controlling, anxious, jealous, angry, spiteful, paranoid, and hurting...

Now I will make sure I only love you, not obsess over you.

You deserve someone who doesn't do the stupid thing of getting those things mixed up. You deserve someone who you can be close to, not someone who's so far away. You deserve someone not as confused, someone not as depressed, someone who doesn't have separation anxiety, who's prettier, who has better self-esteem. I know that if you look, you'll find a person like that very shortly. ^ ^ It probably won't take that much effort, since they'll be drawn to your awesome coolness.

I know I haven't been able to prove that I love you before, and I still can't now, but I guess I'm more sure than I was before? Something like that... well... you can't make yourself love someone, you can't make them love you. I won't make you love me. Love isn't desire for someone, love is fulfilment that you have them too long, and even when you're away from someone, the love you have for them doesn't get any less. I always have loved you the same amount, I guess my obsession made me sad when I was away from you, but now that I've gotten rid of that... I feel so happy all the time that I have someone in the world I care about more than anyone else, and that's all I need.

Haha, I started bawling after I typed that last sentence.

I shouldn't need to hold you, the love I have for you should be enough for me, and even if it doesn't get to you, it will grow inside of me as long as I live and help me become a better person. I shouldn't be jealous that other people get to hear your voice and I don't, I should be happy that I got to hear you so many times, and the sound of your voice echoes throughout my head and never loses its intensity, such a wonderful sound... Maybe that's why there's not enough love in the world, when two people split up, they see it as an excuse to stop loving that, but it shouldn't be. You can't stop yourself from loving! You can only ignore that love, and that's what happens. But even when they're not there anymore... the love stays in your heart, making your heart softer, like a biggish marshmallow ^ ^
What else is there... love isn't habit. I don't tell you I love you every day, and I try to do it multiple times a day so you won't forget that I do and get sad, but it always means as much as the first time I was able to get it out to you. That's all I can think about at the moment though...

^ ^ Hehe, you had more guts than me, you said it first!

If you do ever decide to come back to me, hopefully the love I have for you will have changed my heart and make me a better lover, a less selfish lover, a more caring lover.

And if I could see you... you would get the biggest hug you have ever known. Your head would be cured of all its aches, and you'd know what it feels like to have no pain and only happiness ^ ^

But before you let me go as well... can you listen to this song? It has the words I could never get out before. I love you Nick *hug*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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