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myOtaku.com: anatema


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Humming
Most of the time I can manage to act okay emotionally speaking. Then something really really small happens and everything completely unbalances itself and I get this really painful empty feeling inside me. I feel dumb and I feel lonely and what don't I feel, frankly. I don't like this about me. I don't like being this really depressed thing that people pity so I lock up a lot and for the most part I don't tell people about me. I act like everything's okay and I crack the jokes that need to be cracked and talk about sex and masturbation and do those things that are so fucking typical me and it's like I'm watching myself do this and I hate the character I'm playing. I feel like I'm so full of shit. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because most nights that's my only outlet. I feel pathetic and sad and desperate a lot. I'm dissapointed in me 95% of the time. I feel really worthless. I don't really want to hear people tell me that I'm not and it isn't because I don't believe that. Deep inside my head I know I'm wrong and that I'm being dramatic and that all these things I feel about myself I have no real valid reason to feel, but it's there. I don't need advice, I'm not asking for any . Sometimes I just feel like I need someone to act like this matters, someone to just listen because I don't really get to talk all that much. But then... I don't trust half the people willing to lend an ear, not enough to talk about all this in full detail at least and so I just resort to ignoring it all until it blows up in my face.
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