Friday, January 28, 2005

Don't Panic
Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing. Well that's an exxageration, really. I went to Kristie's house and we just kind of hung around for a while. Then I came home and I fell asleep on the couch. At around ten I woke up and then went to sleep on my sister's bed. It wasn't what I'd call eventful, but when is life ever eventful? Never, that’s when. Today was just as uneventful except that all my teachers decided to pile the homework on and I have an exam on Monday so I’ll have to devote more time to academic enhancement rather than sleep. Whatever the case, it feels a lot better going to school than it does not going to school so I won't complain too much. I took more pictures on the train and what not, later on tonight my friends and I are going dancing and I suppose I'll take more pictures then or something. We shall see. Maybe I'll put some up so people can see Down Town Miami and what my head looks like with headphones on. Mhm.

Morrissey is so brilliant, it's amazing. He can completely mellow me out or completely make me fall in love or completely depress me. I love him and want his babies ::nods:: Anyway, I have nothing more to talk about so I'll answer some questions. If you've ever watched Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo then you've possibly heard these questions, if not well then here you have them.

01. What is your favorite word?
Quixotic - caught up in the romance of noble deeds, and the persuit of unreachable goals; idealist without regard to practicality.
For whatever reason, I think it’s very fitting of me.

02. What is your least favorite word?
Like, just because it has a way of sneaking up on me and making me sound half as smart.

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
An intellectual equal. There’s something very inspiring and motivating about talking to someone about things and ideas that can’t be as easily discussed with others.

04. What turns you off?
Posers, hypocrites and old men.

05. What is your favorite curse word?
It’s over used, but I’m very partial to fuck just because it’s so versatile. You can say fuck and mean so many different things. It’s also so expressive. Although a lot of people throw it around like a used condom, when you really mean it, it kind of wrenches from deep within your soul, whether you’re saying “Fuck You” of “Fuck Me.”

06. What sound or noise do you love?
Wind rustling through trees, as corny as it sounds. My favorite type of weather is windy weather just because of that sound though. It’s romantic and relaxing so yea.

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
A scratched CD, that makes me cry.

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I don’t really have a proffession, but I’m planning on being a writer. Film making and photography are also things I’d like to try. The horrible part of it is that unless I marry someone with loads of money or I win the lottery it won’t happen heh.

09. What profession would you not like to attempt?
Plumbing or anything to do with numbers. Yes, I equate shit to math.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“Yes, you do get wings.”
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Niña Vagabunda
Wow, this works at school now, that's so insanely awesome because I'm so insanely bored. I have nine minutes before my next class which I'm actually not looking forward to at all. Math sucks major balls :( Last night something bad happened to my computer. What exactly I don't know, but I had to reinstall some junk and the post I'd been writing went entirely to poop. Woah was me.

I don't I think I mentioned here that I have a check of close to $2000 coming to me sometime in the next month. So yes, I do. I don't plan on using the money for anything specific. Half will go to my underwear drawer, possibly more than half actually. The other part to fund my trip to Chicago during the summer. Being poor can really have it's perks every once in a while. Aside from that my dad still wants me to go to his job and work there with him. It's a good salary, but I'm not sure I want to. I know it'd definately make my dad happy though and that it'd notch me some points in the mental scoreboard he keeps in his head. But at the same time I don't know if I can stand my dad at work AND home. What to do, what to do. We'll see.

My sister dropped me off at the Metro station today, the wrong one which I thought was funny. She's like, "Thank God my mom never asked me to pick you up because I would have been waiting here for you." It was pretty funny, I found her washing dishes in the morning. Major energy bursts, she said she hadn't slept since midnight since Baby Tony pissed on the bed and she had to get up and clean it. She was on her way to Wal*Mart, her second home, really.

Maybe you notice, but I changed my layout. It's from The Secretary, which is a really good movie. It's just so romantic in this fantasticly morbid sort of way. The picture in the intro is the picture I used to make an avatar on OB. The one I had to change because it was offensive. But in my defense, you couldn't even see the nipple in the avatar :/ O well. Wow, I'm late for class. Great.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

OooOoOoo
It feels so amazing to be home before noon. I mean, this day will probably be as wasted as every other day when I get home at four or five, but it feels nice at least. I haven't had this nice no kids silence in a while. It feels great :D I skipped the math lab today because I wanted to stop by MLEC and fill out the paper work for my transcripts. I was in and out in less than five minutes and Miami Dade should be recieving them over night. This my friends is a true testiment to what a fucking procrastinator I am. Whatever the case, when I popped back into the car it wouldn't start. So while we sat there I took pictures of me and Alex. I also took some pictures on the metro and tomorrow I'll take more. I'm in a picture taking mood, that I am.

I got the results from my math test back. I got 3/20 wrong, they were all fraction problems though so it's understandable. That month in 4rth grade spent learning fractions by my classmates I spent in NY. I missed so much school going to NY, it's ridiculous. In 5th grade I missed exactly half of my school year because I was in NY and in 3rd grade they took me out of class and were supposed to register me in NY for the months we were to spend there. They never did lol. No wonder I'm retarded. I'm actually in the mood to go to NY right now. I love the place, I just don't want to live there... now anyway. Plus tuition is insane. I wish summer were here already ::sigh::
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The World is Pretty Ugly
I had that math exam today. I think I did okay. If I didn't I'm going to feel really stupid, but then again what's new? I also got a paper back from English, B+. It would have been an A, but there were words he said we couldn't use in the essay and I somehow missed them. "Kids" ain't that bad, jesus. After class, me and Kristie rode the Metro back to the Hialeah Station. She was going to drive me home but as we were crossing the street my mom honked at me. She was at a red light and she turned in to pick me up. I honestly wanted to go with Kristie, but I didn't have much of a choice.

So my mom and I went to pick up my sister at work and then we went my uncle's house. We ate and waited for him to show up, my mom has a key to his place. It was nice seeing him for some reason, it felt like it'd been a long time. He's lost a lot of weight, he looks a lot better honestly. He gave me $5 :D I'm still this little girl to him, it's great. The only person that still treats me like a baby. By the time we left I was pretty tired though and I took a nap in the car. It felt like it took forever to get home. I'm tired and achy all over. Pleh.

They talked some about the whole trailor situation. I don't know what I'm doing really. Everything is just so stupid. I regret everything. I really feel like doing whatever the fuck I want with my life. Doing what other people want has only made me imensely unhappy as I aforementioned. O well. This is going to be hard.
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Monday, January 24, 2005

Bing Bing Bing
School was boring. Although in the math lab I chatted it up with a couple of people about what you do with your life, parents and the person you choose to love. It was cool, and afterwards me and Kristie ate something and chatted it up in the car, about boys, naturally. While I actually really don't want to talk about it, so much of it is linked to everything else. It's hard talking about anything else without it sneakishly sneaking into my head. I just wonder constantly about him and I don't know what to do. I'd love to talk to him, but I know I'm not nice enough yet and I'm really tired of coming off as the bitch. It's just how I deal with things though so whatever ::shrugs::.

Anyway, I really thought the trailor situation was dead but apparently it's not. So let me get into this. My dad bought a trailer from his brother to help him out because he needed someone to buy it and also to help out his sister so she could live there and pay a reasonable amount of rent. Now she doesn't want to live there anymore [bitch that she is] and my dad doesn't know what to do with it. He bought it from his brother for $20,000 but when his brother filled out the form he wrote that my dad only payed $3,000 for it so nobody is going to buy it from my dad for the amount he actually bought it for. Basically, the family he loves and trusts so much screwed him over big time, like always, and that in turn is screwing us over. He wants us to live there, but the place is a shit hole and honestly why the fuck would you want to live in a trailer when you have a house. Our house isn't exactly spectacular looking, but it's pretty decent. Whatever the case, my dad says he's selling it and that we have to and what choice do we have if everything is under his name? My sister and mom already have plans, they're moving to NY. I can't move to NY with my sister because that would be putting myself in a position that basically says I'll be there to have their back. If I do that then there's no one there to have my back and quite honestly Chicago will be shitloads of time farther away than it is now. I've waited enough and I'm so unhappy here that I told everyone already I'm down to one year. I'll have enough money by then to get some sort of decent start and I don't even care about getting a loan and what not anymore. I just need to build up my credit so I can get the loans without my dad's help. My dad offered me a job working where he does. Basically, I'd be doing what I did all of my senior year for the news paper and it pays like $10 an hour. My dad's retirement is around the corner and he's moving to Nicaragua because he has a house and two new businesses on the rise over there. My sister with the kids is moving out next month and I'm really happy for her. Basically everyone has their plans and although I know I could sneak my way into one of them, I want my own thing already. I have nothing to show for making the sane decision. I'm so depressed and I'm so heart broken and I was just stupid. I'm tired of feeling this way so bye bye Miami. In August me and Kristie and whoever she's dating at the time because we need a boy to protect us will be going up to Chicago and I can make all my big decisions then. ::nods::
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Sunday, January 23, 2005

Remeber This
I have a lot of homework to do that I should start doing, but I'm kind of out of it and I can't even fathom starting it. Whatever the case, my room is coming along nicely. I've thrown away a lot of stuff, but I'm nowhere near done. Still I have a lot more floor space now, even though my bed is inundated with piles of pens and books and clothes that need to be folded. Bleh :/ I got my period yesterday so I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach, but I'm very grateful I got it on the weekend and not on Monday during school. My goal today is to go to sleep somewhat early so I can be alert and stuff in class. Tuesday I have my first math exam and tomorrow is review. So far most of what we've covered in class I know really well, but I have a tendency to forget formulas when exam time swings around. O well, I shall try my hardest.

I think everyone should be proud of me because I still have $100 safely stowed away in my underwear drawer. I've been tempted, o have I been tempted, but I've been strong and I've resisted. I put myself in this mindset of the only money I have is the money in my wallet [which is $1.25 right now, btw] and it's been working. My sister owes me $11 so I'm good for this week as far as the train fare goes. Afterwards I don't know, my dad may be willing to cover it but it depends on so many things. We shall see... Monday I have to go to MLEC, I wouldn't have this problem with the train fare if it weren't for them ::shakes fist:: Whatever the case, I need a job again lol. Something close to school and that doesn't make me want to kill myself, preferrably.
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Saturday, January 22, 2005

Smack My Bitch Up
Love and things associated are so confusing. But I said I wouldn't talk about that and truthfully I don't want to. I'm secretly plotting plotting plotting. Anyway went to school today and did the whole school thing, had Wendy's with Kristie. Gotta love that dollar menu :) And I called the Planned Parenthood Clinic. I have to get a pap smear [that sounds not pretty]. Then I have to have a consultation of sorts with a nurse and finally I can get the birth control pills. I don't really need birth control because I kinda don't have sex... at all, but I'm weary. I just thinks it's good to be prepared. That and my periods really out of whack. The great thing about the pill is that it's ALWAYS 28 days apart, you know. No accidents or surprises, no messy messes on your favorite clothes. My periods been really irregular lately and the cramping is nowhere near normal. PLUS, birth control protects against ovarian cancer which is one of my big fears in life. So yup, Ortho Tri-cyclen Low seems like the best choice ::nods:: I've been researching this for a couple of months now. It's really serious because you know, it's your fucking hormones.

I came home today and just went straight to bed. From two in the afternoon to seven at night I was out like a light and I'm still really sleepy now, but I'm fighting it. I've been so tired lately. It's horrible. I can barely keep awake. I take naps in the math lab lol. So yea, I'm really unhealthy I guess. I mean, outside from not working out as much as I used to not much is different. So yea, I need to stop slowly killing myself. I don't know. At least I didn't start smoking again :) Although, temptation is everywhere. I don't really love smoking or anything, it's just the smell of clove cigarettes is really nice. It reminds me of sneaking up onto the roof at night and thinking and smoking, obviously. I never did it enough to have a need to smoke. It was a habit I couldn't afford and once my sister ran out and I stopped hanging out with Paul as much I stopped. Cigarettes are expensive ::nods:: Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this. I don't smoke, I'm unhealthy and I'm going on the pill.

I'm very happy it's Friday. Although, I have a math exam on Tuesday and a lot of catching up to do on the reading for Psychology and Humanities. I can't wait for summer to swing around.
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Thursday, January 20, 2005

Fuimonos
I'm tired. I gave cleaning my room a stab. It's sooo hard. And now I have no place to sleep :( I have so much laundry to do. I literally have no clean underwear. I'm walking around with no panties on and it feels weird because my pajama pants let the cool breeze just stroll right through. Usually I have a couple of sexy underwear that I resort to as a last measure. All used up. I'm such a horrible person. I need a boy that'll clean for me in exchange for some great sex. No, I need to stop being lazy!!! Bleh. I'm bleaching my hair and dying it pink, purple and green this weekend. Hopefully I am. I've been putting that off a lot too. Why does it feel like I have no time?? All I do is sleep all day. Well today I cleaned and sometimes I do homework. I need to start working out because I don't do anything. I'm gonna shrivel up and get icky. There's this guy in school that looks just like Tony. I mean exact fucking replica, down to the emo-core glasses and everything. I should get him and the Shinmaru replica together and have me a mock OB get together. All I need's a Charlie and I'm fucking set.

I'm in an amazing amount of pain. My periods not due for a week or so, but it hurts so bad. It's gonna be so bad, I can tell already :/ When it hurts this much before hand, well yea. I'm going on the pill ::nods:: I hope it doesn't make me fat. Although babies make you fat too so yea. I'm just babbling really. By the by, I wanted to thank Aleia for the lovely package. It was awesome. I haven't tried the candy yet, whenever I can be 100% sure that I won't throw it up I'll give it a shot though. I got another package from my friend Jeremy in Utah. He sent me Napolean Dynamite for my birthday :) Yea, I do feel like a horrible person because all the stuff I'm supposed to send is just hideously late. I'll make up for it, you'll see ::nods::
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

This Is Not Just Justice
My mother upon my birth was going to name me Sarah Luisa after her great grandmother. My dad didn’t think it was fair that she got to use one of her relatives and he didn’t, though, so he made her replace Luisa with Isabel after his mother. I have two birthmarks, one on my right arm and the other on my right butt cheek. The one on my butt is a lot cuter. I have tiny little random specks all over my body. I’ve always been really self concious about my nose because my mom always said it was ugly. I’ve lived my entire life in Florida. I don’t hate it as much as I used to, but I don’t love it either. They say we lived in NY when I was a baby, I don’t remember. My parents were divorced but they hooked back up after a while. I think we would have been better off if they hadn’t.

I never moved around a lot. I went to three schools and I hated it. In elementary I was picked on a lot. Once a boy three years my senior and a lot huger than me slammed my head into a desk. In middle school I managed to keep to myself. I knew a couple of people, but I really didn’t hang out with anyone. In highschool I met most of the friends I have today, we only really became friends after highschool, though. I’m a weird cross between an extremely shy person and an extremely open person. I judge people the moment I meet them. Sometimes I’m wrong, most of the time I’m not.

I’m very quick to fall in love, but I’m also extremely picky. I’m still a virgin and whenever I actually have sex it’ll probably be a big disapointment. It’s not the moment I’m looking for, it’s a person that I won’t regret having gone that far with. In the end though, virginity has a shelf life so we’ll see. I like to flirt. I like talking dirty. I like being submissive. I know how to make a boy really hard really fast. I have an oral fixation. Of the three boys I’ve dated or felt a lot for, two of them had girl friends. It’s my curse, to never really have the boy I want. I’m weak when it comes to the matters of the heart. I like being devoted, I like being completely his, I like feeling like a trophy girlfriend. I’m usually too pretty for them. I really mean it when I say looks don’t matter.

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll get pregnant and have a miscarriage. I’m also afraid I’ll get ovarian cancer. Sometimes I have this feeling like I’m going to die. I’ve come close to dying once. I was very young and we lived in a haunted apartment complex. I’m afraid of the supernatural. I have hallucinations. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m actually a schizophrenic and that all the people I’ve met and loved aren’t real and just exist inside my mind. I’ve never been drunk or high. The only vice I’ve ever had is cigarrettes when I was 14. They probably stunted my growth. I’m 4'11'’. I love tall boys.

I don’t trust old men. I’ll do anything for a child. I value the life of my nephews over the life of all other human beings. I don’t want children because I know if I did have any, they’d be my most important thing and I don’t want to lose that much of myself. My first nephew was born when I was ten years old. His names is Joshua and today we danced a ballroom dance in the kitchen. My youngest nephew is Alexander and I am his bitch. He’s only 1 1/2 years old, but he can make me do anything he wants. At night he sneaks out of his mom’s room and into mine. We nap together and I feel really nice inside. Sometimes to make me jealous he calls me by my sisters name. Sometimes he forgets and calls me mommy.

I like to read. Ava is a stupid name. I like to immerse myself in books. I like writing stories as well. I don’t think I’m too interesting, so I escape by making things up. I have a severly active imagination. I zone out a lot. I think about sex when I’m scared. I have a list of places I want to have sex in. It’s private :) I like writing letters, even though I’ve gotten slow about the whole thing. If you haven’t noticed I’m a very sexual person. I collect underwear, socks, scarves, movies, cds, stickers, pins, stationary and books. I hate to clean. I like learning. I love languages. I can roll my r’s like an expert. I think blonde boys are beautiful. I hate re-makes. I think happy trails are the hottest thing ever. I think the knees are a really intimate place to be touched. Firm handshakes freak me out. I like the weight of someone on top of me.

I love music. I can never imagine a life without music. “I’d give up music for you,” was one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. I’ve met the man I know I’ll love for the rest of my life, even if we end up with different people. I know. I’m very stubborn. My favorite bands of all time, the bands I will always come back to no matter what are, The Cure, The Smiths and Depeche Mode. I’ve been listening to a lot of Joy Division. That part where the leadsinger kills himself in 24hr Party People makes me cry and cry and cry. I could never commit suicide because I’ve never felt so hopeless nor do I think I ever will feel so hopeless that that is the only solution. I hate attention whores. Even though I myself am an attention whore. Brandon Flowers is beautiful.

I’m an indie/foreign movie fanatic. I’m Pedro Almoldovar’s ultimate fangirl. Antonio Banderas was a good actor in Spain. Hollywood fucked up his career. I’m a very jealous person. You’ll never know I’m jealous, but I feel it, festering inside. I love it when it rains. I love being in an intimate situation. I love having a weakness. I love being someone’s weakness. I want to be special. Ordinary love is not my thing. I’m day dreaming again. I’m being hopeful in a hideous way. I hope.
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Love and Regret
I'm in the math lab again, not doing math :) It feels like I've had an extremely busy day although it's really been no different than any past Tuesday: Psychology, Math and English. My head is a little bit achy, I'm just sleepy I suppose. It's very cold out today, at least for Florida. It was something around 40 degrees this morning, I went outside and had to go back in and change because what I was wearing was too thin for the weather. It gets colder once you hit downtown, since it's so close to the beach and the Ocean. My nipples were in a lot of pain :( Whatever the case, it's a lot nicer now. It's only 60 with some wind, but the sun is out so it feels pretty nice. I like this weather ::nods::

I feel really un-exciting. I'm talking about the weather, jesus. I'm kind of tired of talking about my emotions. I annoy myself. Everybody knows what my emotions are and I foresee tears in about an hour when I go ahead and tell Kristie everything that's happened since this Wednesday afternoon. So little time, so much... stuff. I don't know what to say about it anymore, so I figure it might be good to just stop saying anything at all. I was thinking, I deserve what I get, y'know because I'm the bad one. I'm the one who took him away in the first place, I was the whore. She's like the innocent bystander or something, so she gets to have him. You know like it happens in the soap operas. I get to stay alone and maybe I'll get murdered later on today or something, who knows. I'll get mine though heh. Whatever the case this is the last I talk about this in any sort of public format. I'll just tug it around inside. It's not good for me, and I'm sure he doesn't have the time of his life with my guilt trips so I'm done ::nods::

I'm hungry....
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