Wednesday, February 9, 2005

For Today I'm Lost Without You
Feeling a bit depressed, wondering about myself. What happens to me now? I met a boy on Tuesday. I think I inadvertantly asked him to the Interpol concert. We were talking about music and one thing led to another. I told him the ticket info, where it was at, what time and where'd I'd be standing. I left in a bit of a hurry because I was going to miss the Metro and then when I was on it kind of hit me. Things like that happen to me, I go out on dates and have boyfriends purely by mistake. His name is Joshua, like my nephew, and he's really cute, but I don't want to go out with anybody. The only reason why I'd date someone now is because I want to not feel so lonely. That's no reason to go out with anyone and what if real feelings develop from his side? I don't want to make anyone feel the way I feel now. I don't want anyone to love me when I love someone else. I don't want anymore complications. So yea, I have to make sure Joshua knows I'm going with a bunch of friends and as a group... He is really cute though ::bites lip::

I hung out with Kristie again today. She's dating this guy called Robert that I really don't like. I've only hung out with the guy once, but I get a bad vibe. That and I think Henry is perfect for Kristie. He's that much nicer and sweeter and funnier and I know he really loves her [plus he pays for me when we go out together.] But that's besides the point, we were talking about Robert in the car while eating lunch in the McDonalds parking lot. So we're jabbering away and then she says, "Oooh, you know what he said about you?" I do now heh. He said that he thinks I actually don't know anything about music and that I like the bands I like just because I think it's cool to like bands no one knows about. Wow, I have never been so pissed off and insulted in my entire life. Who the fuck does this asshole think he is??? I don't need to do anything to look cool, people choose to kiss my ass and music has nothing to do about it. Not only that, but I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MUSIC????!??!?! O my fucking God, I was raised on shit like The Smiths and Joy Division, The The, The Sisters of Mercy, Depeche Mode. Don't fucking tell me I don't know about music. If there's one thing I know about is music. I don't give a shit what people think about me and if I did I'd really think I could do a lot better than just picking old bands and wearing their t-shirts. Asshole. She wants me to go out with them on Thursday because she's afraid he might talk her into doing something. Yup, that's right kids, I'm cock blocking and I plan on being the biggest bitch imaginable. Fucking jock piece of shit.

Edit:Thank you to everyone who masturbated to my picture, I'm honored. Moreover, Arcadia I ended up mixing Cherry Cola with Party Time Pink. On Sunday I did a second layer of just Party Time Pink though ::nods:: And everyone thanks for the niceness.
Comments (9) | Permalink

Monday, February 7, 2005

Call Me Morbid
I used to know this guy called Juan. I don't know him anymore. We met in highschool. He was some stupid version of a punk, but he was hilarious so we talked. We talked a lot and he was like my best friend, my only friend. In 10th grade he ran away from home. They caught him in two weeks or something like that. I remember waiting all this time, I remember antsing for Biology, our last class and the only class we had together, to swing around so I could see him. When it did it was almost like a white light shone around him as he entered the room. He sat next to me as was the norm, but he was stoic and quiet. I remember touching his hand and I remember he looked at me and it was like an ice cold stare. Each day he sat farther and farther away from me, each day he told me less and less until he had basically abandoned me and I was alone in Biology. The year progressed and I got used to not knowing him. He was different, he was popular and I wasn't. After highschool he joined the marines. I hear from him through various friends, Karina mostly since they dated. He says he saw me in Best Buy the other day and that he was ashamed of himself. He was dressed in uniform and was afraid of what I'd think of him so he didn't say hi. He's being deployed to Iraq and it makes me cry. It makes me cry because he hurt the crap out of me in highschool and remembering that is kind of like picking at a festered wound. I don't heal, I let things fester. What if he dies? What do I do then?

Now it's several years later and I'm losing someone else that means the world to me. Since Juan no one ever knew about me like this guy did. It was like that, but a thousand times more of a personal investment because he wasn't just a friend, he was the boy I loved. He is the boy I love. What am I supposed to do to stop this? What do I do that makes me lose people? People say no one's meant to die alone, but if no one will ever stay with me how can I believe that? I'm so tired. I feel empty. I feel hollow unloved unwanted unworthy small weak. I'm depressed and for the first time in a long time I've thought about hurting myself. Not for him and not for Juan, but for everyone I drive away and for all the persons yet to come who I know will leave me.

Love does this to me. It took me a long time after Juan to be strong enough to not wish I was dead, to not feel so alone. To lose someone again, someone I cared for a million times more than I did for Juan, someone I'd kill for... well it kills me. I don't know if I can, if I'm strong enough. It's like I'm moving completely backwards. I don't like being this vulnerable, this alone and this scared. I'm 15 years old all over again.
Comments (6) | Permalink

Sunday, February 6, 2005

The The
Interpol Concert-March 18-I'm going.

My hair really does need a another coat, but it looks nice nonetheless. Joshua said I look like the Little Mermaid :) So here you have it:


Be awed by the light shade of pink on my head. Tell me I'm beautiful and that you can barely stop from touching yourself. You know you want to. Go ahead, I don't mind ::waits::

Otherwise, I'm not in the best of moods. I got into an argument with both my sister and my dad today. Plus, it feels like I'm being ignored by someone who knows how much I want to talk to them, but whatever. People are too cruel and just expect me to give in and cater to them in every single possible way. I'm tired of being as stupid and weak as the people around me make me feel.
Comments (11) | Permalink

Saturday, February 5, 2005

Lay Me Down To Sleep
I have pink hair now :) I'm very happy, I've wanted to for so long and I look so pretty. I remind myself of a mermaid, hoorah ^_^ It could probably use another coat, but I'm happy with it. I just want to huggle my head. I took lots of pictures and I guess I'll get around to putting them up here in the next couple of days so we can all bask in my pink glory, Hallelujah! After I finished with my hair and got dressed Angela drove by to pick me up. We went to Barnes and Noble, we were going to get Kristian [aka Juli's boyfriend] a gift because today's his birthday. He's a very big fan of the Simpsons, but the book I was going to get him on the Philosophies of Homer Angela got to first. So after some mild-mannered thinking I decided the next best option was "229 Sex Tips for Men." It was great only just for the look on his face, he blushed all over, hilarious. And Juli, wow, they're so cute together it makes me giggle inside lol. The party was fun, we ate lasagna and played Simpsons Clue. I made a lot of inappropriate jokes and it was just nice hanging out, being out of the house. Cool-ness.

I also bought myself a book at Barnes and Noble because I wanted to, it's called Josie and Jake. I've actually not finished Oryx and Crake yet. I plan to, but for whatever reason it's been so hard to get into. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's that there's nothing about it that keeps me coming back for more. I've only ever read it when I run out of batteries on the train on my way to school, otherwise it just kind of sits in my bag. I should really force myself, but I read for fun and forcing myself to do anything is never actually any fun. Bleh. I'm a bad OB Book Club member, spank me ::pouts::

...

I have so many memories that are hard to let go of and just the tiniest thing triggers them. Like that ::pout:: just now, an entire little flood of memories and wants and desires just kind of blind sided me out of no where. It's so odd how something uniquely yours can remind you of someone that isn't yours. I've done so many things, I have so many habits, habits I've had for the entirety of my life but somehow they always manage to meander their way over back to something that only just happened a little over a year ago. I've been pouting all my life and touching myself all my life and writing letters and eating popsicles and sitting in my underwear and so much, but it all always reverts to him in this weird way. It's weird, it was like the things I'd been doing my entire life, the things that aren't special, that are mundane about me felt entirely unique when seen through his eyes. I felt special as corny as it sounds, and I guess that's kind of not there anymore. It's not that I have anything like low self esteem, I don't need to feel validated by him or anyone, but it was nice to have someone that thought I was cute and utterly fuckable. O well ::shrugs::
Comments (4) | Permalink

Friday, February 4, 2005

Color Me Cherry Cola
So I'm doing my hair as I type this. I'm stripping it now, also known as getting rid of all the layers of dye my hair has suffered through, mostly blacks and reds heh. It's only been half an hour so far, so I've got another half to go. My head is itchy :( I probably won't finish this today since both me and my sister have to get up early tomorrow so yea. I'll have an orange head for the time being.

I went to Lincoln Road today with my mom and sister. We just walked around, I bought myself some shoes. We went to Starbucks because my mom wanted coffee and my mom and sister started asking me about what it was I planned to do. My dad said he's selling the house for sure... perhaps. If he does he's giving a part of the money to my mom and with that money she's either going to rent a place down here or move to NY. They asked me, "Are you going with us or are you staying with my dad?" I said, "I want to move to Chicago." My mom unleashed a slur of racist comments in hushed whispers, I shrugged and told her that was what I wanted. I'm pretty sure no one's going anywhere before Fall 2006 which is when it's best for me to leave. I should have quite a bit of cash saved up combining the money I get from Financial Aid each semester and I should be getting a job sometime next month. My mom says she might leave before that which leaves me in an awkward place because I don't want to stay with my dad by myself. That's just kind of scary. Whatever the case, I told her what I planned to do and I how I planned to handle the influx of cash that was coming to me in the next month or so. Things seem a bit calmer so that's good at least. I tried to explain that I didn't want to put this on hold for even more time, that I really wanted to feel like I was living my life, but I ate raw sugar instead heh. They're hard people to talk to and I'm waiting for my sister to ask me about my infamous unmentionable "him" and what's the deal-i-o with that story. O well.

My heart debates between University of Chicago or Columbia College. There's a certain amount of prestige and it's a really good school for Art History, but quite honestly I'm semi-retarded and Columbia seems more my style. It's way artsier and it has an extremely good writing program. Plus, their internships are amazing. It's such a hands on school. Did I just answer my own question?

I should go wash my head before any valuable strands of hair begin to gently detach themselves from my scalp.
Comments (7) | Permalink

Thursday, February 3, 2005

Bag Lady
It's really nice to finally be home today. I overslept in the morning and ended up missing my Psychology class. I was really mad at myself for that. Since I had taken Tuesday off I didn't have Psychology at all this week and I feel like I've probably missed a HUGE chunk of information. We're having an exam next-next Tuesday and I really want to do good, so I'm actually pretty worried. There's nothing but the exams in this class, everything else is lecture so yea. I managed to make it to my math class today though, a couple of minutes late but nothing serious. We're covering polynomials so in truth I'm not worried at all. It was the one thing I managed to master in Algebra II. Then of course English where we watched a film on the falling of the Twin Towers, an extremely boring movie that had me very close to napping. All in all a very uneventful day. I did an hour and a half in the math lab, bought some latex gloves at Walgreens and headed home. I already bought all the hairdye and stuff for my hair. I'm doing Cherry Cola, it's a really nice bright pink. Hopefully I don't go bald and if I do hopefully my head isn't horribly misshapen.

Right now though, I'm not doing anything. I'm just sitting around being lazy, listening to Erykah Badu. Thinking like this girl likes to do.

"Green Eyes"

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I don't care, I swear
I'm too thru with you I am
You don't mean nothing to me
So go ahead and be with your friend

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I'm insecure
But I can't help it
My mind says move on
My heart lags behind
But I don't love you any more
I'm so insecure
Never knew that love did this
Ooh, ooh

I can't remember the last time I felt this way
About somebody
You've done something to my mind
And I can't control it
But I don't love you any more
Yes I do, I think
Loving you is wrong baby
Ooh, ooh

La-di-da
Dum-dee-da-da
Dum-didi-da-da-da
Dum-didi-da-dum-di

I'm so confused
You tried to trick me yeah
Ooh, ooh, oh
Never knew that love could hurt like this
Never thought I would but I got dissed
Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
Feel embarrased so I want to hide
Silly me I thought your love was true
Change my name to Silly E. Badu
Before I heal, it's gonna be a while
I know it's gonna be a while, chile

I hope it's not too late
Too late, too late, too late
Feeling insecure
Your love has got me sore
I don't want no more

Oh, oh
It's too late, oh, oh ooh, ooh
I'm sorry I love you
At first it was cool
You told me you loved me too, ooh
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
You wanted me to go away
But I can't go
See I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late

Just make love to me
Just one more time and then you'll see
I can't believe I made a desparate plea
Believe me yeah, ye-ah, no, oh
You see I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
Don't you know, I can't leave, it's too late
Can't go no where, no
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late yeah
Come on babe

Don't you want be strong with me
You told me we could have a family
Want to run to me when you're down and low
But times get tough and there you go
Out the door, you wanna run again
Open your arms and you'll come back in
Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid

Never knew what a friendship was
Never knew how to really love
You can't be what I need you to
And I don't know why i fuck with you

I know our love will never be the same
But I can't stand the growing pains
Comments (3) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

6 Glasses of Water
I've had such a busy day today and now I realize, I'm not in a good mood. When I was up and about that was fine. I got to my first class twenty minutes late because I over slept. Math was boring and I did a lot of running around to finish up all my Financial Aid stuff. Afterwards, Kristie and I went to the Health Department building so she could get some STD testing done. I was her rock, the emotional support, heh. So we were there about two hours and they played both Part One and Two of that movie with Eddie Murphy in the fat suit. Whatever the case, I was very glad to be out of there. Walking back to the metro station, it started to rain and so we were walking in the rain for a while. I'd been telling Kristie for a while that I needed it to rain, so I could walk in it and cry and be ultra dramatic. I didn't, I did however spot three manatees in a canal. It was so bizarre and cool, I think two of them were having sex... So we got on the metro and we talked some, and I zoned out a lot and got pretty sad-ish. I ignored it and got into the car once we were at the Hialeah station, we ate Wendy's. On my way home we passed by Office Max because she needs to get a banner made, the guy at the desk was so hideous looking but SOMEHOW he got to flirting with us. I have no idea how he meandered his way over to the subject of us experimenting with each other. It was very O_o? So we looked at stationary and then she took home. Now at home, I can't really ignore the sad feeling because it's all that there is to focus on. I'm horny too and it's not the, "haha I'm horny" it's the "I want this person I know I can't have and I'm going to die of general frustration, loneliness and sadness horny." So yea, it wasn't a bad day, it's just me. The bad is inside me.

I took a survey at school. It's very weird because of the way it poses the questions. Some are "what do you want" and some seem to be "what do you have." Since I have nothing I answered them all as "what I want" or "what I had and want back."

His name: Something that sounds nice to say when you're having sex.
Hair Colour: Blonde, definately, or something un-natural like purple or pink.
Hair Style (long, short, bowl cut, cornrows, etc) : I like messy untamed hair, sex hair baby.
Eye colour: Blue or... blue, I like blue.
Age: Four years older or less. Never younger, I like being the little one :)
Height: Taller than me, way taller.
Size: size of what??? Let's be a pervert and say pretty fucking huge ^_~
Body build: I like slim built guys, although no one that weighs less than me. I like to be the little one ::nods::
Ethnicity: White boys are just so cute, although an attractive man is an attractive man.
Glasses? I like the nerdy look, a nerdy pervert. O my ::blushes::
Piercings? It depends where, I'm not big fan though.
Chest hair? Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Big ol booty? or no? As long as there's something there, the paler the better, though.
Label: MINE!
His Mind
In school? Or graduated at least, I like smart boys that aren't losers.
What does he want be/do when he grows up? I don't care, as long as he gets the weekends off so we can have sleepy sex in the morning.
Can he speak another language, if yes what? Yes, German.
Can he read music? It's attractive, a plus ::nods::
Can he read guitar tabs? Also a plus
Can he play guitar? refer to above
Piano? I'm not too big on Piano players, keytars where it's at baby.
The drums? a plus
Some other instrument? Musical boys in general are just utterly fuckable.
Can he write music? I suppose that's a plus...
Will he write songs about you? Of course, I'll be his muse!!
Will he write poems about you? Hrm, poetries a big iffy if not done right, as long as he doesn't sound like a fag :p
Will he be artistic in some way? Of course of course, brains over brawn all the way
Will he "blind you with science?" Nerds ::sigh::
His Style
Party hopper or stay at home? A little bit of both.
Straight A student of Drop out? Straight A's ::nods::
Does he have a best friend? Sure
is it you? It's always a different type of friendship. People in relationships need others to recruit to. As long as it's not an ex girlfriend -_-
Is he straight or bi? 180 degrees
Religious? what type? No and none
Virgin? till marriage or till "the rite time"? No, but I don't want some whore either. As long as it's single digits...
Should he be able to bake or cook? Cook because I can bake
Is it okay for him to have a lot of gal pals? I don't know. I'm jealous, but I'm not psychotic and I can usually tell. You can tell what type of girls going to steal your boy. Hopefully they're all ugly ::nods::
Out-going or shy?: A little bit of both.
Should he watch chick-flicks?: Indie chick-flicks, those are the best.
Would he be a smoker?: No.
drinking?: No.
cursing? Light.
does he play football(US)? I wouldn't really care, it's not a plus though.
soccer? soccer playes have nice legs.
baseball? God no...
basketball? same as football
rugby? same as football
golf? I don't know...
does he drag race? No.
does he have a "pimped up" ride? As long as it can go places.
Can he surf? I wouldn't care.
skateboard? I wouldn't care.
snowboard? I wouldn't care.
Would he have an accent? Yea, a little lilt.
Anything else? HUGE COCK
You and Him
Does he kiss on the first date?: If I want him to, but he's respectful if I don't.
Where does he take you? Different places and dark alley where he fucks my brains out.
Does he pay? Of course. [Why does this question make it seem like I'm a hooker?]
Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies? Of course!!!
Would he use endearments? Depends, orginal ones. Baby should die.
Would you hold hands? Yea, but I'm more fond of arm holding ::nods::
Would you ever stay the nite at his place? Of course.
Would he give you flowers/candy or a big expensive gift? I like little things, not flowers or candy but special little things that show he at least thinks about me...
Would he walk you to your door at the end o the nite? Mhm ^_^
How would he propose? After he found out I was pregnant lol
Lastly, after you meet, get hitched, etc. What do u name your kids? Number One and Number Thirty Four.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Proportions
I just spent the last hour trying to remember the size of my ass in relation the the length of my thigh. I had to take off my pants and check in the mirror because you get one minor detail wrong and BAM! your drawing looks like a deformed migit. I'm small, but I'm not deformed, I swear. My sister says her thighs look fat, but my thighs are fat and considering I was using myself as a model, well God damn it, there we go!! More cusion for the pushing or something. It's been a while since I've drawn anything, a really long while. I lacked motivation or something. Anyway, naked ladies are my specialty.

I really don't want to go to school, I'm trying to figure out what day will be the best day to be abscent this week. I've only missed one day. I mean what type of college student am I, going to class every freaking single day??? That's just sick. I did go down to Financial Aid today to make sure my paper work was in, it wasn't. I had to go to admissions and the guy at the desk did me a "favor" and spent fifteen minutes of his time hunting for my transcripts. He was all flirty and stuff, and I was all like thanks so much bla bla bla. You never know when you might need these people again... So whatever the case, back to Finacial Aid and there's one paper from my dad's income tax return missing, the one page they actually need but otherwise everything's fine. I called the lady that has my file and she told me to just pass by tomorrow and it'd be all good. Since I am supposed to be eligible for full aid and because I had to pay all my classes without the help of Financial Aid I get a whopping $2,025.00 reimbursement check. This is the only reason I'm going to Miami Dade, for the money.

It's me and Alex in the car. Only our eyes, but I really like this picture. I was dead tired and he was sick. My eyelids look puffy, pay no attention <_<;;

Comments (6) | Permalink

Sunday, January 30, 2005

You Just Haven't Earned it Yet Baby
I feel fake, like a phonie, I guess. Holden doesn't like phonies and so I don't like myself or something lol. I'm not exactly sure why. I feel like I'm changing, but not for the better. Or really not so much even changing, it's more like this fake exterior change. I act different and I say different things, but inside or somewhere anyway I know that I don't really want to act that way or say those things. I feel deprived of attention and affection and I feel like I need some sort of validation. As a person and a women, anything... I'm afraid that in my quest for it I'll do something too stupid to ever take back. I'm tired of myself. I don't like myself anymore. I feel like I need to be fixed, I feel like there's something inherently wrong with me. I feel dirty and un...worthy. I feel like I'm reverting back to my seventh grade year old self. I miss having someone that thinks I'm really special. I feel bad, like I'm a bad person. I don't know anymore.

I got into another argument today with my mom at my uncle's house. About money. She started talking about my Financial Aid money, I said something about saving it up for Chicago. She started yelling at me, that I was a bad daughter and a shitty family member in general. That I could help out around the house with those hundred bucks I have stored away, but that I didn't because I was selfish. She said that the word lend shouldn't exist in my vocabulary, that I should just give. That as her daughter that was my duty. I walked away, sat on the bed and played PacMan on the cell phone. I could hear her whispering to my sister what a big bitch I was. When my mom says I'm bad she says it in a way that makes me feel evil, like I'll get mine one day...

EDIT:
You know what you should never do, never give your cousin the URL to a blog. While what I write here isn't exactly 100% private, it is private enough so that I don't want my mom to know about any of it. And you know this Elba, what I tell you you're not supposed to tell anyone, just like what you tell me I never tell anyone. This trust I've put in you has only come back to bite me in the ass because this isn't the first time it happens. You say it's because you're trying to defend me, but I don't need to be defended. What everyone thinks of me barely matters anymore, it'll never be good and I've come to terms with that. You're supposed to know me, you're not supposed to tell the world that you do. I don't talk to anyone about anything, you know how guarded I am about my personal shit, but somehow this morning my mom started yelling at me about things I know only you could tell her, or rather you tell your mom and then she tells mine about which is just worse. So thanks a lot for proving that trusting people only comes back to fuck me over.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Saturday, January 29, 2005

My Neck Hurts :(
I think I had aforementioned that I was going out with my friends this weekend, dancing as it has become the norm. We were supposed to go to this place called the Liquor Lounge, it was a CD release party we had gotten on the list for. Christine and Orestes said it started at seven so obviously we got there at 10:00. The place was empty beyond belief so we decided to go somewhere else. As we get back into the car Orestes reaches for the invite and reads, "Thursday, January 27 @ 7:00" and just starts laughing. It's Friday and we missed it. Hah! So yea <_<;; We end up driving around discussing where we want to go. We drive by Soho Lounge, but ever since Revolver left there we weren't sure what was going on. So we went to Revolver @ The Pawnshop instead. We were pretty fucking early, 10:30 so I got in free because I'm a lady :)

It was pretty empty because of the time, so we lounged around on these bus seats. The place is pretty cool looking. There's a school bus right in the center and people can go inside and sit and such, some bunk bed to one side, the area near the bathroom is an airplane. Last time I was there I didn't notice much because it was already packed. Not as packed as it got last night though, I could barely even move. Some asshole dropped their beer on my back. Wow, I got really pissed. I was just so close to turning around and punching that person, but I was good and I didn't. The music was a lot better than yesterday, they were supposed to have the Chemical Brothers mixing, but I never saw them so hrm. I was the group whore last night. It was two girls and three guys for a big chunk of the night and so Orestes, Andrew and Paul took turns passing me around and stuff. It'd been so long since I saw Paul, we danced a lot together. He has the habit of rubbing the back of my head, it kind of feels like how you'd rub a girls head if she was going down on you and I just think it's hilarious. Karina came after work so by the time she got in I had already been dancing for three straight solid hours and was beyond tired. We went to the back, where they have like this little yard type place outside with couches and a different dj. That was great, just for the fresh air and it was really windy too so yea. We all shared a cup of ice and danced around some more for a while. We left around 4:00am and got some stuff at the Shell gas station. I got dropped home first and I just kind of fell asleep where I landed heh. Anyway, I don't know when we'll do that again but not too soon. You can only have so much of random penises rubbing on you. Which reminds me, I forgot my camera Mr.Cloud. I'm going ice skating next week, you can watch me do the booty grind on ice [I'm lieing, you can only experience my booty grind. Watching it will never be enough.]
Comments (2) | Permalink