Monday, February 21, 2005

Lamiendote Toda La Piel
Sundays are sad, Sundays have always been sad. I don't like Sundays, they're my official un-favorite day. My problem with Sundays is that they have the potential to be great, they just never are. I hope Sunday dies. Tomorrow is Monday and I have class at 8am, but I know I won't be getting to bed any time soon. I spent the majority of this weekend pining at the computer and holding on to 4am. It's so weird how thinking about someone can go from really good to really bad. When I wake up and he's the first thing on my mind I feel nice, I feel warm with his thought inside me. But as the day progresses and there's no word from him and I know that's he's forgetting me and that day by day I become less and less special... it gets pretty bad. I don't know what to do, I'm not sure that there's anything to do. My dad gave me this great big old sermon today. I'm amounting to nothing and my room's a mess. I kind of stared blankly and shrugged for most of it, he ended up getting angry and just walking away. I wish someone would kidnap me. I wish someone would be selfish with me. I wish someone wanted me all for themselves and stole me away and kept me in some dark warm place and did a million and a half dirty things to me. I don't want to be my own anymore. I don't know what else to say. My mind just keeps moving and I just want... the one I can't have. I'm not depressed I'm just pensive.

Because I was bored today, I made a list of the artist and/or soundtracks I have ripped to my computer. I spent a lot of this weekend putting more stuff in. It's not much, I lost most of what I had a couple of months ago when my computer pooped out on me :( Anyway I feel like putting it up here. If anyone feels the need to have any of it and is already getting mail from me then do say so.

Auf Der Maur
Babasonicos
Bassment Jaxx
Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals
Bersuit Vergarabat
Björk
Blue Oyster Cult
Broken Social Scene
Cafe Tacuba
The Clash
Cold Play
Concrete Blonde
The Cure
Damian Rice
The Darkness
Depeche Mode
Elefant
Elliot Smith
Enigma
Enrique Bunbury
Erykah Badu
Federico Aubele
The Flaming Lips
Franz Ferdinand
Heroes del Silencio
Hoover Phonic
Husker Du
Interpol
Jaguares
Jeff Buckley
The Jesus and Mary Chain
John Legend
Joy Division
Julieta Vanegas
Kanye West
Keane
The Killers
La Union
Los Arterciopelados
Los Rodriguez
Lucybell
Manu Chao
Modest Mouse
Moenia
Morrissey
Muse
Nine Inch Nails
Amorres Perros
28 Days Later
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Princess and the Warrior
Outkast
A Perfect Circle
Pixies
Portishead
Chris O’ Connor; Primitive Radio Gods
Radio Head
Rilo Kiley
Saul Williams
Say Anything
Scarling
Siouxsie and the Banshees
The Sisters of Mercy
The Smiths
Soda Stereo
Sonic Youth
South
Stone Temple Pilots
The Sun
Talk Talk
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
The The
U2
Vast
Violent Femmes
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Zeromancer
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Sunday, February 20, 2005

I'm the mood swing queen. Ignore me... but not really.
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59 Times The Pain
Last night I stayed up a lot later than I've accustomed to since I started going to school. It's been a while since I've seen four AM up close and in the flesh. Memories abound and I remember future girl. I'm confused and as I've said before I have no clue what to do. I wish I could have done it all so differently. I kick myself a lot. School is getting stressful. The workload is getting heavier and heavier or mayhaps I am just getting lazier and lazier. Math feels ridiculous, humanities boring, I can't bring myself to stay awake in psychology and I'm learning nothing new in english. I'm numb to the world around me and the best part of my day is the train ride home. Everything feels so fast and I feel so slow, my mind is never where it should be and I can't stop myself from thinking. I want to turn off my independent thought, I want to focus. No luck though.

Kristie's grandmother died Thursday. I tried to be there, but I think I did a piss poor job. I called and we spoke for a short time about... nothing really. I don't know what to say in these situations, I care but I don't want to pity anyone or make them feel worse. I gave her my condolences and told her I loved her. I felt utterly useless heh. I remembered when his grandfather passed away and I wanted to make him happy again so badly, but all I had to offer was I love you and I hated myself because I knew it wasn't enough. I'm not enough. I feel horrible. I want to make someone happy...

What am I doing here? what the fuck keeps me here? I remember how much I defended Chicago. I remember all those arguments because everyone accused me of running away to some boy. How often I defended myself and my... dignity, I guess, by saying it was the school. And now I think what if it had been a boy and just a boy and no other thing. In comparison what do I have here anyway? A family I don't get along with, a school I hate, a broken heart and in just a couple of months no home to speak of. If it had been a boy, I'd have something worthwhile. I'm unhappy and it's no one's fault but my own.
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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Answer Me This
Firstly, thanks a thousand times over to the amazing Charlie for the package. The chocolates have been devoured [I sadly had to share with the baby ;_;] and the music is being listend to as I type this. It's all good, even better than that really and thanks so much ^_^;; My sister threw it at me while I was sleeping and it was quite the pleasant surprise.

Moreover last night was dedicated to the wonders of shopping. I bought some t-shirt and the 3rd volume of Saikano. I'm mostly happy about the t-shirts though because you can never really have enough of those. Here the are in all their glory.

I can't even begin imagining wearing them, especially the Smiths one. I'll reserve that one for an extremely special occasion like the loss or my virginity or something ::giddy sigh:: Isn't it beautiful?? Don't stare too hard, the glory might blind you. I'm so happy it's Friday, or rather Saturday now, I guess. Whatever the case, it's amazing because school is really tiring and I need the chance to sleep in 'til noon. We don't get president's day off which is totally unfair ;_;. Anyway, enough of this, questions:

The Questioner: Megan

What's the best color you've ever dyed your hair?

This is hard, for the most part I've always dyed my hair some variation of red or black. I like the way both colors look on me, but I have to say when my hair is jet black and sleek I feel really sexy and vixenish and those are nice feelings ^_~.

What's the best thing you've ever spent [a lot of] money on?

Definately concert tickets for Depeche Mode. I think they were around $70 bucks for really bad seats. David Gahan was a dancing little spot far far away from me. It was completely worth it though because I was there and that's what matters.

Do you like candles?

I love candles. My favorite are the ones that melt off layer by layer revealing different colors. I have some awesome floating spider ones, I'm waiting for the right moment.

If you could make your own bumper sticker, what would it be/say?

"LA MUERTE!!" because it's what I yell when I'm in the car with my friends and we very scarcely escape la muerte.

The Questioner: Charlie

If you could be me for a day, what would you do?

Masturbate in front of a mirror all day long and pass out in a puddle of my [your] own semen.

Have you ever thought of asking Shin’s double if he has a third testicle? Shin’s third testicle is the stuff of legends so it would be interesting to find out if the double also had a triple.

No, I have not actually. I'd never heard of Shin's legendary private area. I'm too out of the loop.

If you had to fight one of the following animals, would you rather fight a monkey or a tiger? Why?

Tiger because monkies disgust me and they fling poop. At least the tiger fights a clean fight.

Do you find thongs to be an overrated pair of underwear? Discuss…

I DO!! Because your ass is hanging out anyway, I mean why bother with any underwear at all. They're useless. I shift from underwear to no underwear and there are NO in betweens.

Am awesome or am I awesome?

You're overrated :p

The Questioner: Mitch

Ever had a full body orgasm? If so, explain what it felt like so it feels like I am having one as I read it. Or, if not, explain what you think a full body orgasm feels like so that it makes you feel like you are having one as you write it.

Jesus Christ Mitch, I'm not a whore ::whisper::IM me after midnight::whisper::

The Questioner: Shin

a/s/l?

40, male, Iowa.

If I decided to fight my double in a duel to the death, who would you root for?

This is hard because I could see myself having sex with the double. Hrm ::debates withing herself:: I guess I'd root for you since you're the original or something. But if he won I'd probably tap that ass pretty soon afterwards.

Do you think it's funny when people put commas in front of their lols? (I do.)

I've never met someone who does this so I wouldn't know. I mean, that you add an s in general is pretty bad.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? (Requisite Shinmaru question >_>)

I liked Jack Nicholson as the joker. He doesn't even need to paint that cynical look on his face, it's always there.

Have you seen that stupid ass flash ad on myOtaku where you shoot the paparazzi chasing Brad Pitt? Doesn't it make you want to fucking kill something?

I've seen it on myspace and it is annoying. Not to mention Brad Pitt looks like he has down syndrome.

The Questioner: abc kid

If you were to walked 500 miles (if you could), who or what would you walk for?

He knows who he is.

The Questioner: Alan

Hey Sarah, could I borrow $50?

As much as I love you, no.

The Questioner: Panda

What part of the body do you find the sexiest?

Crooks like the neck and the back of the elbow or knee are insanely delicious to me.

Least sexy?

Feet.

On you?

I've got really good legs and an ample bosom. I'm smooth and soft all over. Mmm, I wanna have sex with me.

On someone else?

The back, crooks.

The Questioner: Shy

Do you smoke? If not, do you or would you kiss someone who smokes?

I guess I'm a social smoker. When I was around 14 I used to smoke by myself on our roof. I eventually forced myself to stop. Sometimes I'll take a puff from someone elses cigarette, but I'd never go as far as to buy my own pack or anything. As for kissing someone that smokes, as long as they don't smell or, God forbid, taste like it.

The Questioner: Aleia

Do you have a favorite perfume?

Two. Miracle by L'ancome and Envy by Gucci. I recently met this hippie lady called Flossie in downtown, she makes oil variation on expensive perfumes and sells them for $3. I'll definately send you something so you can try. Unfortunately she doesn't make either of the two that are my favorites, my biggest fear is that they might be retired lol.

What is the sweetest thing a friend has done for you?

All my friends are really sweet, but for whatever reason the sweetest has to be Kristie. Nothing in particular, I just know that no matter what I can always go to her. I know she loves me ^_^

What would somone have to do to convince you that they do indeed love you?

Nothing at all. I mean for the most part if someone tells me they love me I believe them. I don't need proof or anything, just treat me like you love me and that's enough really.

The Questioner: Godel

Do you ever climb into trees, wearing army fatigues, and carrying night-vision goggles and a camera?

Yea, all the time. I like your pants.

The Questioner: Molly

Why is it that my cat always positions himself right between me and whatever it is I want to be looking at?

When I had a cat she did the same exact thing. She liked attention and if something else was getting more than she was she'd get really annoying. Your cat probably wants Molly-love.

Is that Maggie Gyllenhal in your avi?

Indeed it is her, assumind the position as it were.

Do you ever wish that you stare could actually burn a hole in someone?

Indeed I do, a gaping one.


Well that was hard, I don't see me doing it again any time soon. I'm not checking this for mistake, if there are any, suck it up.

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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Today
God, what a very sucky turn-out. I'll leave the floor open to more questions for the next couple of days. As of now it's too little for what I want to do with it so yes.

In other news I just drank a glass of wine and I'm feeling sleepy. I don't think it's the wine, it's just late and I didn't sleep too much last night. I ended up going to the extra credit for humanities, which was a jazz show featuring Alex Darqui. It was very entertaining, not to mention I saw Shin's double. He's a music whore you know, I can tell by the messages on his shirt and the fact that he was so enthused about the performance. I like to people watch <_<;; Apparently he does too because I caught him looking over several times, probably because he could feel my stare burning a whole into the side of his head. But hey ::shrugs::

My sister gave me $50 from her income tax check :)
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Untitled
I'm in school, pretty much done for the day. There's an extra credit assignment for Humanitites at noon though, a Piano concert, so I'm waiting. I'm not sure I need the extra credit but it's good to have it there anyway. I really didn't think that class would turn out to be as boring as it became, especially considering how Kristie raved about it. All we do is look at slides though and it gets monotonous after a while. I have to fight to stay awake. I'm really very anxious to get home already. And it's only 10:30 :( I have some homework to finish up for English and I'm tired. Getting up in the mornings has become a lot harder lately, mostly because I hate to go to bed so early. I feel like I'm missing out on something :/

I bought a pair of rainbow gloves the other day. I live in Miami so I don't need them but they were $2 and they're so pretty. I'm completely enamored with them. Pfft, who needs boys when you have mittens! There were these other dark purple ones that I want too, but I was broke then. Last night I went to the Beauty Supply store and bought another hair dye. Dark Sunlit Red Blonde. It's not blonde though, just red. I'm going to kill my hair, but I don't like keeping the same color for too long. I'm not changing it today or anything, but a change is in the horizon ::nods:: For those who care, my bamboo plant is looking better. I switched it into another bowl and put it in nicer rocks and gave it bottled water instead of the tap water stuff from outside. I hope it doesn't die ;_; I'm trying!! If anything it'll die comfortably or something. I don't know if the damage it's undergone is repairable or not. I hope, or I'll have to buy another at the flea market.

I have not much more to say, my fountain of entry ideas pretty much ran dry a while ago. Soooo, ask me questions and I'll answer them next post or sometime in the near future at least. ::nods::
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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Dominion
I'm always a lot more depressed at night, than I am at any other time of the day so yea. I'm actually not planning to kill myself any time soon. I lost my scissors ::sobs:: Actually I just found them so I'm ok now. I don't have enough time to be depressed today. I really let the homework pile on over the weekend. While I did get a lot of it done yesterday, there was still a ton left. Specifically for English. I also had a really big exam to study for. I pulled in two hours of reading the textbook, revisiting my notes, jotting things down on flash cards and drawing little neurons. I'm afraid of failure. One thing I do know though, is that I will never ever again get a class at 7am in the morning. Beginners mistake. All that's left now is ten journal entries which is really a lot simpler than it sounds. I have all my topics jotted down and I just have to half ass up a decent a 100 words per each and finito. I think I'll skip math tomorrow and do that instead. Math for whatever reason is the one class that's a breeze. It's my worse subject and I have by far the most homework from it, but I'm on top of it all. I think I'm so on top of it that I forget the other stuff. I've really been slacking on psychology which sucks because I know so much about the subject already and I do find it really interesting. Blarg.

The trailer situation seems pretty serious. My mom is very depressed. My dad asked me where I was going to go and I said, for the time being where ever my mom went assuming she didn't go to the trailer. He said, "Your mom always follows me." For whatever reason, it was a horrible thing to say. For one it made it seem like he never wanted her to follow and secondly, he makes it sound like my mom's pathetically in love with him. I told her what she said and she told me this time she wouldn't follow him which is good. Why he's taking away our house, the one thing my mother has to show for the years of crap she's put up with from him is beyond me. I have NO intentions of living in that trailer. If push comes to shove I'll rotate between Orestes', Christine's, Kristie's and whoever will take me's floors. It just beyond acceptable, he doesn't care. I really can't picture my future and see my dad's involvement in it. My mom is a truly annoying and mean being, but she really does care about me. I can feel it when she randomly touches my hair and stuff. I can picture myself ten years from now fighting with my mom. I can't even picture knowing where my dad will be in the next six months ::shrugs::

Speaking of caring, I thought I killed my bamboo plant when I got back from school today. There was this odd gelatinous subtance all over the rocks and stuff. It freaked me out. So I called Kristie and I left a desperate message on Christine's phone. Kristie used to work at a bamboo shop and she told me to take it over to her house so she could fix it for me. Christine said the gelatinous stuff was just algae though and that I just wash it off and that's it. I think it's dying anyway. The leaves are still green but for whatever reason it doesn't look healthy. I feel so bad, I killing bamboo, a virtually un-killible plant ;_; I hope I can make it better. I want to nurture something. Jesus Christ :/ O, and today at school Kristie made me hang out with Robert, the guy that called me a poser. Yuck. I really don't like him. You know, as long as he makes her happy but people that talk shit behind your back and then completely kiss your ass in your face are just disgusting to me. And he has man boobs!! He knows me and Kristie are close so bla bla bla. She told me he thought I loved him, I have no idea where he could get that from. Could it be from all the scoffing I do, or maybe the silence... Hrm, I wonder. Arg!! I want Henry to win ::pouts:: I just don't understand. Pretty girls always fall for the worst of guys. The type of guys that hurt you and make you breed like a maniac in the long run. ::shakes head::

Anyway, I'm going to end this soon I swear. I just wanted to mention that Alan, the bestest person ever, made me a Valentine greeting at my 4am because I was sad. It was by far the best Valentine gift I've ever recieved and everyone should go and have his babies!!! Gooooooo!!!

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Monday, February 14, 2005

Send Me To Sleep
It's Valentines Day. I've never had a boyfriend or anything remotely similar to that for February the 14th so I guess I really shouldn't feel a lack of anything. He was with her around this time last year too so yea... I still feel incredibly jealous heh. I tried to see what it'd be like to forget him with another boy, crying in the middle of making out with someone isn't my example of good. I don't know what to do...

Yesterday, I actually did do a lot of homework though... before I went to bed at 7:45. I was tired and now I'm awake at 4:00am and contemplating sneaking back into bed until 6:00 when I have to start getting ready for class. I wrote a paper on a movie I haven't seen in several years. It came out pretty ok. I have to study for my psychology exam whenever I get home and do the assload of journal entries I've been procrastinating that are due tomorrow. I'm such a bad student :/ I'm tired of school, I can't wait for summer to flop around. This Thursday my professor isn't coming in for my first class so I can wake up later and that makes me happy.

I ripped all my Smiths and Morrisseys CDs, including the ones my sister owns into the computer. That way I can cry to appropiate background music. It's my favorite song in the entire planet and the one that reminds me most of him. Hah, what irony.

Take me out tonight
Where there’s music and there’s people
And they’re young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven’t got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don’t drop me home
Because it’s not my home, it’s their
Home, and I’m welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don’t care
I don’t care, I don’t care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldn’t ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don’t care
I don’t care, I don’t care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven’t got one, da ...
Oh, I haven’t got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Tis But a Flesh Wound
There's something about kissing the person you're not in love with. All romantic acts bring you back to the person you want to be romantic with and when that's not the person you're kissing... it's weird. Focusing on the tongue that is swimming around in your mouth and not the tongue you wish was in your mouth is easier said than done. I try to focus on kissing, the word... the k the i double s i n g. I hang on to that g, to that little sling underneath the round part. I try sliding down its curve, but eventually I slip off and I'm back again. Back to the blue eyes and the blonde hair and the pink mouth that isn't the mouth that's abusing my mouth at the moment. My mouth is tortured.

. . .

I went to the beach today rather than Sunday as we planned. So yea, a couple of friends and I. We played volleyball, walked around in shallow water and took pictures. Watched Gary, Sharon and other people skim board. We went to Taco Bell and then to Orestes' house to watch Gold Member. I'm tired now and today's been an extremely wasted day. I have lots and lots of homework I should be doing. Important homework too. I've been a bad girl. O well. I'm going to bed soon, but I wanted to update this before. I get some sick pleasure from knowing that my name is hilighted blue in other people's friends list -_-;; Tomorrow will be solely dedicated to academic enhancement. I promise.

I think my dad is selling the house in a couple of months... Orestes says I can stay at his house heh. I'm pretty confused about what to do with myself. I'm basically just fumbling around like some slut in training, first day in the backseat. I really don't know what to do with myself. For the first time in my life I wish someone would walk up and say, "DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS" and not only that, but be right about it and make me happy in the process. Since September and probably a bit before I've cried every single night. Sobbed into my pillow and wished I was in some way, shape or form, dead, a non-sentient being. What keeps me here? I'm too tired to think of this.
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Friday, February 11, 2005

You're Welcome
I, Sarah Isabel Martinez, am severely dissapointed in myself and the turn my life has taken. A year ago I was sure and I knew what I wanted. Now I know what I want but am crippled by fear because what the fuck will I do with myself if I don't get it. I do not like being depressed, I do not like to complain. I annoy myself and others I'm sure. If I wait too long will all my chances be gone. If I was there right now would you want me as much you wanted me a couple of months ago. Would I still be as desirable... I miss being wanted the most. I miss him the most... I'm a disgusting display of devotion. I think Joshua got the point ["me and my friends, going as friends, in a group, sex with the leadsinger"]. Imagine getting attached to someone else. I'm leaving and there'd be no point. And I like what I'm attached to now even if it isn't attached to me anymore. I don't need to be loved back to love. Maybe my brain isn't logical enough, but I thought that was a good thing. Who wants to love something logical... Apparently I do heh.

I feel like running away from home.
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