Sunday, March 6, 2005

I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm a redhead. That's it.
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Friday, March 4, 2005

Doom Doom Doom
You know once you catch up on all your homework and you clean up what you need to clean up and you write letters to everyone you feel like writing letters to and telephone all your friends that should be telephoned... there really isn't much to do. I miss the internet. I miss looking at really stupid things and laughing. Does that make me horribly pathetic? Yes, of course it does. But does it make any less attractive? No. And that's what matters. I'm thinking I'll just restrict my time on the internet because I actually have done productive things. I wrote the paper on what my first boyrfriend taught me and got an A plus "You write really well, you should persue this as a career" as a comment and that made me feel nice. Math is done and Humanities is going really well. Not to mention that for the past week or so I've managed to stay awake in Psychology and it feels sooo good because I really do like that class. I'm learning, go me!! I've been all over downtown and I've totally tamed the bitch that is the Miami-Dade Downtown Public Library. I rented Dr.Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb and watched it and loved it. Although I should watch it again because I was also watching the kids and missed some parts. I also rented What Did I do to Deserve This by Almoldovar who is my absolute favorite director AND Jean Cocteu's Beauty and the Beast which is supposed to be a real masterpiece. I finally bought La Femme Nikita and I also bought this really insanely cool art magazine called Cabinet. I opened up a bank account and am now an adult. I've started reading again and most importantly I've started writing and have been popping up ideas. On a negative note, I have been crying on the Metro a lot more, but that only goes to show that getting rid of what most reminds you of the person you'd kill for doesn't diminish his presence in your brain. Actually, without Alan or Megan or Charlie or etc etc etc to blahblahblah about the good times to my head has been twice as insane neurotic obsessive and in love as I said it was when I decided I should stop coming on-line. Moreover, I miss talking about myself because god damn it really this is the only chance I get to do it. So yea, har har. I have to go watch the kids now. Tell me my new theme is really pretty and that those three days of absence were hell because we all like to feel loved and it's good karma.
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Monday, February 28, 2005

This Rolodex in my Head
I used to come online because home is so fucked up. It was an immediate escape. I need to make phone calls and I need a ride to go somewhere. Going on-line was easy and it's always there. Lately though crap on the internet is just as fucked up as anything else in my life so I think I'm abandoning it for a while. I just can't stand being this sad and pathetic thing in public. I should probably dedicate more time to school as well. I want so much and what I'm feeling isn't helping and the only possible solution I have is to numb up. So yea. I guess if anybody really gives a shit, they'd like to know this before I go away for a while. I imagine I'll be back.
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Days Like These
My dad didn't take me to work yesterday with him for whatever odd reason. He's confusing. Whatever the case, I was pretty tired. I couldn't sleep and I ended up taking a short nap finally around noon until before I had to start getting ready for that wedding. Sometimes I really hate having breasts heh. There's this shirt I have where part of your cleavage and over your shoulder is like this fishnet material and then the rest of it is just regular cotton. The two pieces are held together with a kind of zipper and it's not because my breast are too big, the zipper just sucks and will only go halfway. But my sister being the lovely creature that she is decided I'd look twice as decent if I zipped it all the way so while she's trying to pull it closed she caught my skin and completely teared so I have a little knick on my right boob. It bled and everything, poor booby :( So yea, I said fuck that shit and I wore it half open like the half whore I am. I did look pretty nice though and I felt soooo thin. Fat bridesmaid will do that to you hah! Anyway it was this weird communal wedding/renewing of vows and there were like 12 couples and I totally didn't want to be there. The girl that married my cousin is six months pregnant, she's very pretty and I feel sorry for her because marrying into this family is the worse you can do. ::shrugs::

In the car ride back home I kind of fell asleep and when I woke up my parents were screaming at eachother. Actually I woke up because they were screaming at eachother. It was about all that trailer stuff. My mom asked my dad for a divorce, he said no. It's this awkward position where I'm at in the back. At the party they were great, they were even hugging each other and all of a sudden in the car they were a hair away from strangling each other. And my Chicago stuff is always in the middle of it, I'm just this horrible person for wanting to do something outside the ordinary with my life. All my cousins, my like 18 year old cousins are getting marries. And they all ask, "when are you gonna tie the knot??" NEVER!! When whatever asshole I'm with gets me pregnant actually :p I don't know, it seems like a sad existance because I grew up with them and I know they wanted more from their lives. Instead you get marriage and a belly though and... no thanks. Marriage just seems like one of those things you don't really need to do. I think the involvement of the law into any relationship will just screw it up. Marriage holds no one back and if someone's gonna cheat on me or screw around with my heart I'd rather be able to just walk away then do all this god damn paper work. ::shrugs:: Maybe I really am dead inside.

In other news, my The Dears thread at OB went completely ignored like all my threads have in the past. Hooray!! <_<;;
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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Mmm Mmm Good
I'm kind of half assing my homework now. It's fairly simple stuff. Math, but simple. Today's been a nice day. Relaxing ^_^ Tomorrow on the other hand will be a completely different story. I have to go help my dad out at his job. I really don't want to, but this little girl will do a lot of things she doesn't want to for $13.00 an hour, so yea heh. I have to be up at seven a.m. so I need to find a way to put myself to sleep at some semblance of early. I should be home at around three in the afternoon and my sisters want to hit up the movies to watch Constantine so at least not the entire will be devoted to working. I like to play ^_^ ...Or, I think I have to go to a wedding. I have no idea, I'd rather go watch a movie though ::pouts::

Lately, I feel like doing creative things, but I can't figure out what those things are exactly. I've been messing around in photoshop with pictures and trying to get some stories down on paper, but it's harder then my inspiration tells me it should be. I have been sketching a lot more, I have on particular piece that I'm proud of. My specialty is drawing naked ladies, it's a gift from the man upstairs. His name is Pedro. ::clears throat:: Anyway, I remember when I was someone's muse. Hrm, I've been remembering lots of things lately. My heart is thick and heavy with lovey dovey feelings and right now I just feel like expressing them. Sooooooooooooo, yea ::shrugs:: How I get started on what I get started on really makes me wonder.

Anyway, Tony's comment on my last entry makes me feel really stupid lol. Gail, it's not sad at all. Whoever says they don't want the opposite sex [or same sex for some people] to find them attractive and want them is a liar. Shit, I know I want that. So har. And Megan, my professor doesn't go around pin-pointing students by name. He just makes general statements like, "How anyone could get this wrong is beyond me??!?!?!" and I know that if I'd gotten the questions he's talking about wrong I'd feel like a major dumbass. All in all he's very interesting and professional so yes. Hrm, I baked a cake today. I'm cool ^_^

You're "Handsome Devil"! A little B-side
that turned out to be one of The Smiths' best
songs, you thrash around naughtily and act like
sex on wheels.


Which Smiths Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Louder than Bombs, a very long and very
good compilation, featuring such tracks as
Asleep, Sheila Take a Bow, Shoplifters of the
World Unite and Take Over, and Ask.


What Smiths album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Saturday, February 26, 2005

God I Love Synthesizers [GILS]
I like to think that I don't care what people think about me, but when you know that people are calling you a shallow bitch who doesn't know anything about her supposed passions it just kind of makes you wonder. I mean I never wonder about myself to the point where I'd change anything and I guess that's why I can say I don't care what people think about me. I don't let it phase me or something. I meet a lot of people with the perfectly dishelved hair and tapered pants and what not. I don't care, I meet just as many single mom's who think they're fat and are studying nursing not because it's what they love, but because there's a demand and it pays well. I don't care who I'm seen with, I don't want this army of friends straight from the urban outfitter catalogue. I know a lot of things, I just have a hard time proving that I know them. And why do I have to prove that anyway? I mean does it really matter if I know where, when, how and why Morrissey was concieved or his favorite brand of soda. Shouldn't it be about the music, shouldn't it be about the movie, the movement etc etc. I'm strongly opposed to fanboy/girlism. I don't want to meet the people I've grown up admiring because it'd ruin things in one way or another. People like this very rarely live up to expectation. I don't listen to the music I listen to because it's cool. If I wanted to be cool I think I could do a lot better. I'm a little ditzy and I'm clumsy, I zone out a lot and so I'm never completely on topic. I don't like to talk about religion because it's personal. I don't know enough about politics to be taken seriously so I keep my mouth shut on those. I hope I know about music and movies and books because it's what my life revolves around. I'm not into the things I'm into because it makes me hardcore, it's called early exposure. Blame my sister ::shrugs:: I love them, I've formed emotional attachments to them and I think in part that's why it's hard to explain the reasons why. It's really easy to understand someone that tells you about the uniqueness of their percussion or something, but when I say something makes me feel ethereal how is anyone supposed to relate to that? It's just the way I am, emotion driven. I feel like I constantly have to defend my oppinions on something and my least favorite thing in the world is when I'm interrogated on a band, to see how much I really know. I know enough to buy their CD and I'm pretty sure that's enough for them so it should be for you too, dick head.

Hrm, anyway, I don't know how I got started on that. One of those things, I guess. School was okay today. Despite having slept through the entire math lesson on Thursday I managed to get an A on today's pop quiz. Consider me a genius, you know you want to. On Tuesday we have an exam and I should study or something. Humanities was interesting. We're studying dance now, Isadora Duncan. I'm thinking I should start writing my report even though it isn't due for a long time. Last report was just embaressing heh. I somehow fell asleep Thursday afternoon too and woke up too late to turn in my paper for English. He said I could on Tuesday though so I'm lucky. I also should read some of my Psychology book to be able to keep on track and not have to play catch up when it gets here. We got our first tests back, I got a C. It's not horrible, but I can do better so yea. When he went over it, I at least got the common sense questions right because he made fun of the people that didn't and I don't like being pin-pointed as a dumbass. So yes. Today after class I went to Flossies and bought some oils. I came home and basically just passed out in bed. At some point Alex came into my bedroom and tried to feed me chicken, but he eventually gave up and ate it himself lol.

Anyway, tonights a cool night. I'm probably much more awake than I should be. I'm listening to The Dears and I feel creative and in love. It's nice ::nods:: Call me determined and obsessive, but I can't imagine wanting anyone else. Blissfully romantic.
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Friday, February 25, 2005

Keep Me in Mind
The computer screen I'm using is hideously bright. My eyes... the blindness. Everything is barely visible. Hrm. The sad thing is I can't fix it. Let us all collectively moan and groan. Amen, brother. It is once again a one glorious Friday, dia de fri. I'm running on zero sleep due to some weird insomniac behaviour. Twisting and turning and the mind running faster than a speeding bullet. I'm looking forward to sleeping in. I want it almost as badly as I want your nakedness... but only almost. An added niceness to the end of this week is my being $1,325.00 richer. The joy of financial aid. Halelujah, praise the Lord! I barely get to use the money outside Chicago-trip expenses, but it feels good to know it's there ^_^;; Just waiting for my grubby little hand to fondle it and rub on it and mmm, o my.

::clears throat:: So my hormones are in a bit of an over drive. Can you blame me? I want some action, a dirty telephone conversation involving heavy breathing would suffice really. My head feels dizzy. If I stop too long to just read one thing there's this awkward bobble head feeling I get. I'm going to burn myself out, aren't I? I'm in love...

I've been listening to two songs over and over. They're not very similar at all, but I like to hear them back to back and feel slighly ::sigh:: inside my solar plexis. Well I Wonder by The Smiths is one. The lyrics are just amazing, as is anything sung by Morrissey really, let's be honest. "Please keep me in mind." That line really touches some delicate strings inside me. I guess you could call it depressing, but that's The Smiths. It doesn't make me sad as much as it makes me... wonder, heh. The other song is Admit It!!! by Say Anything. For the most part I'm not in the mood for this type of song, it's too upbeat and I at the moment am not upbeat. But when I heard it, especially that thrift store gestapo bit I couldn't help but crack up. It reminds me of Christine because for whatever reason she hates being called a hipster. I don't think she is one, but I'll call her one anyway 'cuz she get's angry. Red headed anger=fun. There's that line though "I wanna taste the breeze of every great city." I hope I get to do that. I wanna go to Chicago now, but that by no means implies that I want to stay there. I don't want to stay anywhere, I've spent so much of my life staying. I want to see things, experience them. I never want to be a home body, that's my great fear. That I'll settle and stay in one place. ::sigh:: So yes, my head is drifting in between those two songs. The very sad part though is that I somehow managed to forget my headphones at home. I feel so naked ;_;
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Thursday, February 24, 2005

School Leaves No Time For Details.
Or maybe I just like writing lists...

-Suffering from really bad cramps.
-Not to mention tired and sleepy.
-Never finished paper on myself, will have to do so before 5 today and e-mail it.
-Packages are in process of being assembled.
-Where's my financial aid check??
-Seems like Kristie's backed out on me and I'll be going to Chi-town solo.
-Thinking a lot.
-Not depressed.
-Horny x1000.
-Need to go to math.


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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I Wanna Taste the Breeze of Every Great City

I am worth $1,942,042.00 on HumanForSale.com

Edit: Today was ok. I went to school and did that whole school thing. Ate soup with Kristie at Au Bon Pain and then off to home. I napped as soon as I got here. There's this annoyance about my house. I feel suffocated in it and sleeping is a great escape. The worst part is waking up to my mom and her fucking screaming. I'm way past the stage where your yelling at me is going to make me do anything. It's just ridiculous, I want to stuff a sock in her mouth... among other things. I have my period, I can't do heavy lifting. Not to mention that NO ONE is willing to go get me another bag of pads so why on earth should I do you any favors. In the infamous words of Dr.Hanibal Lector, quid pro quo. This place is just insane, I could really do without the trite bullshit. Everyone just adopts this... uhg. I hate to be this complainy.

***

My nephew, the baby, Alex, my favorite fell and they're took him to the hospital and I'm worried because he's the baby and my favorite and I was mean to him today ;_; I mean I didn't beat him or anything, but he didn't want to give me a kiss so I didn't draw on his hand and yea. I was bad to the baby. I feel like crying and I feel like a horrible person and I hope he's okay :( He fell and cut his face on some metal piece of his mom's van. I didn't get to see the injury before he left though, but there was a lot of blood and he was crying so much. I'm worried and I hate myself now. Whatever I planned on talking about before doesn't matter now. He waved bye to me before he left with a little blood caked hand and gave me a kiss...

My Baby ;_;

Edit: I stayed up until around four am before my mom made me go to bed so I didn't get to see Alex come home, but in the morning when I was getting ready for school I snuck into his bedroom. He was sleeping and he looked really tired and sticky. He had little stitches on his right temple, I snuck him a little kiss because that's what I do, I kiss. I want to go home and play with him now, but alas I have extra credit for humanities at noon so yea. The joy of responsibility :/

O, and thank you to Megan for the awesome post card. The Kiss by Klimt ::snuggles it::

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Well I Wonder
I didn't go to school today lol. But I have a good excuse this time around. I woke up and I basically barfed whatever I had for dinner the night before. That and I'm not pregnant. We all should know by now that my periods and periods in general just suck so I won't go into that. I'm guessing that this is why I've been so up and down this last week. At least I hope it's that and not just that I'm insane. I only missed Humanities and Math... but I'm sure I'll feel it. I'm going to try very very hard to not miss school anymore. That's my goal for the next couple of months that are left of this semester, no more abscenses. I'm sure, as most you are, that I'll fail miserably but I'll try or something like trying that really isn't trying at all.

You know despite how horribly unhappy it makes me most of the time and despite the fact that it's not mutual at all I really enjoy being in love. How many people can say that they've met someone that can make them feel this way? This bad and this good all at once. I truly believe it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all as extremely and hideously corny as it is. What I never want to do is come to a point where I regret having spoken to him or reget having let him know me the way he knows me. I've completely lost control of myself and these emotions and that's ok because they're in his control and despite all the downs I trust him with me more than I trust me with me. I understand him, even when I hate him for making me feel as bad as he does I understand. Maybe I really am stupid for that, but that's fine.

In other news, if a week before my 21rst birthday I'm still a virgin I'm flying to Ohio so Charlie can take care of that. Done and done.

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

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